Freeheld

[Beaux]

It is strange how life works. This past week has been A.W.F.U.L.

It started out pretty damn good, I thought. As I have mentioned in the past, I have had a number of problems starting my food trailer, but I have never been one to give up. I learned early on in life, that no one is going to do anything for me, but me.

So...I got myself in high-gear, and went out and peddled my ass. I walked door-to-door and talked to business owners here in my own community of James Island. It didn't take me too long before I was able to convince Mattress Firm to represent a "Grand Opening" on James Island for me. They paid for radio time, printed coupons for $100 off any purchase when presented with a receipt from my business, and in turn I printed out 1300 fliers and passed them out all over the island.

The day before the opening, I discovered that I was short money, so I took out a loan on my truck for $1000. More than enough to cover expenses. Then I stayed up until 3am cooking.

At 4am I loaded up the trailer and headed the 20 miles to James Island. I was almost there too...when the left tire flew off....

The trailer has been at Corbin's Hitch & Trailer since Wednesday, and if they don't get it fixed soon I am gonna loose everything.

So, these past few days, I have been wondering....WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? Why can't I catch a freaking break??? I'm telling you guys, it has been eating me up inside...

Anyway, tonight my "husband" was ironing his work shirts when the movie he had been watching went off. I guess he was too intent on his laundry to look for another movie, because he told me to pick a movie, which is something he rarely allows.

When I started flipping through the movies he had downloaded, I saw that the new gay-drama, "Freehold", with Ellen Page and Julianna Moore was there and I turned it on.

For a movie about lesbians, I felt that I could really relate. Not with the things I wish I could relate to, but I can definitely relate to the idea of the cancer part. I have tried to quit smoking for years. I am currently on my 3rd round of Chantix...and I realized something. If I were diagnoised with cancer, which isn't too much of a stretch seeing as how I have smoked for 31 years, my partner (if I can even call him that) wouldn't have to watch me die. He would be at a meeting somewhere across the country, out of choice.

That is when I realized, that maybe the reason EVERYTHING I have touched lately has fallen apart.....maybe it is because I am doing it for the wrong reason. I have been doing it to try and keep this life we built here afloat, and I think that must be the wrong objective. I think, that I should be doing it to keep ME above water, and that I should just let him sink or swim on his own.

A drowning man can't save someone else.

Sorry for such a long post.

[Camfer]

The left tire most likely flew off because someone loosened the lugnuts. Could be more vandalism. When you get it back, you might want to check the lug nuts each time you leave the kitchen with the trailer. You could even get some locking lugnuts.

I am not so sure you are doing all this to keep your relationship afloat. I think it's all a part of your escape plan. Stop thinking of your impending death and start thinking more about your new life. Business is about creativity, perseverance, and adaptability, and you've got it going big time. You will make it happen, surely.

[InbetweenDreams]

It took me several tries to quit smoking...It basically took scaring the shit out of me for it to finally take hold...but cold turkey really is the way to go... But I will say having that much stress, quitting at this very moment is the last thing you need to try...

I really really hope things get better... I also really hope you can eventually get to spot where you can quit smoking... I will tell you that for a while it sucks but totally worth it... I smoked for about 13 years, started when I was 15, I tried quitting several times... I hacked up so much crap in the mornings, out of breath just walking up the driveway... Just felt so run down and crummy all the time. After a few months you will start feeling better, after a year its like you don't remember smoking... I mean you will have those moments.

I wish I had something I could say to help with everything else you have going on or had some means of actually helping.... I mean SC is kind of next door... Did the tire blow out or did the whole thing, rim and all come off? There has got to be someone who has what you need to get it fixed? You know the size, parts needed? I used to get stuff from http://www.rockauto.com and there's also Tire Rack, never got anything from them...

Take care of yourself... Let me know if there's something I can do to help...

[kindy64]

Meaning is one of the great stumbling blocks in our own psyche and also one of the greatest predictors of success and survival. Nietzsche’s words, “He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how,” are true for everyone. The will to survive can get your through tough times more than all the riches in the world.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, but I think these are proving to yourself that you don't need someone else to survive, that you can be self-sufficient. I've been going through my own issues, and trying to help my boyfriend with his as well. Reading through this book has helped me to remember to have a focus in my life, to have some meaning beyond the immediate cares of work, bills, and pleasure. Still not sure what my purpose in life is, but I remember that I've always believed I had a greater purpose in life. Any number of accidents that could/should have killed me, like rolling off the highway in a Jeep going 65mph and walking away without a scratch just tells me that God has important things in store for me. I've been focused so long on just existing without thinking about why.

“Don’t aim at success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-eʃect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run—in the long run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.”

From a very good book I'm reading at the moment, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

[Beaux]

Thank you, Everyone, for your replies. The trailer is being fixed by a local Hitch & Trailer company, and I am insured (though the deductible is gonna hurt like hell!), at this point I am just hoping they finish the repairs in enough time for me to use the food before it goes out of date.
Regarding keeping things afloat, I don't mean to say I am doing it to keep "this-life" afloat specifically; more to the point: I have lost everything before and I don't want to have to start over again from scratch if I can avoid it.
Again, thanks for all of the kind words. I appreciate all of you.
~Beau

[ceez]

do you have a tire repair kit in your trailer, if not then I would get some fix a flat, plug kit and one of those little air pumps. also if I were you I would do a trailer check every day before taking off to make sure no one tampered with it, it sucks that you're going through this but you really have to watch your back now.

[matty7]

I honestly thought id been having a ruff time of it recently but I would happily trade any luck I get and give it to you Beaux .
I do think you are doing all this with the food truck for the right reasons ,,,YOU !!!! it would be great if things worked out and you kept the life you have built together but if this changes you will still have your food truck business and all the skills and lessons that have come with it - its bee terrible hard so far im sure but its all for your future as far as I can see

[IanSaysHi]

As per usual I just wrote an essay but deleted it all Basically, hang in there... Sometimes the bad times need to be personified so you can tell them to f*** off. Hopefully you'll catch a break very soon. Fingers crossed for you

[Insertnamehere]

I think, that I should be doing it to keep ME above water, and that I should just let him sink or swim on his own.t.

Yes, that would be pretty much what we've all been telling you.

[Beaux]

oooOOO MMMYYY GGOOoooDDD!!!

When it rains, naturally it POURS...right?

SO....after my husband accused me from "stealing" from him (apparently, I have been taking a 'little extra' out of the bank every time I go to the grocery---except I AM NOT!!!) and I proved that that I have NEVER done that by pulling up the bank logs and showing him...he said: "ok, sorry...That's all your gonna get out of me".

I told him that I had never expected more from him! Furthermore, I told him I was divorcing him and going back to Louisiana!

At that point, I decided to call and tell my parents that I would be coming back soon.....BIG MISTAKE....because, my mother decided to "rejoice" by telling me that she had been praying for this and FINALLY I would have a chance to meet a "nice girl".....

Xface-palm-hereX SMFH.....

I CANNOT WIN TO LOSE!!!!

x PLEASE God KILL MEx

~Beaux