Bit of a pickle!

[tapalapadapa]

Before I head straight into my silly problem, a brief history..

*I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I'm not out to most people, but in the past I've told a couple of friends about my feelings.

*My older brother IS gay and IS out to everyone.

*About a year ago a new boy started in my work, and I immediately liked him. At a works night out he said that he liked me, and kissed me on the cheek. The next day in work, rumours had gotten out that things had "got hot" between us. Nothing much happened after that. We spoke occasionally on msn and in work, and he flirted and things, but got a boyfriend over christmas who dumped him on valentines day.

*A few weeks ago we had another works night out, and he said again that he liked me. I told him that I felt the same, and although not much happened (a couple of kisses and hugs) we've been texting since.


I'd really like to ask this person out, but a few things have got me wondering if he's genuine or not. My friend (who worked directly with him) doesn't like him one bit. She says he's an immature compulsive liar. She says that it was him who spread the lie in work that things that had "gotten hot" between the two of us, and had also told people that it was me who made the first move.

All this is a little silly, I know. But the whole thing has made me feel really bad because I've been lying to my friends. I changed his name in my phonebook to a girls name so that when he phoned or text my friends wouldn't know that it was a boy I was chatting with. Not only that, recently I went to a gay club and had my first serious experience with a boy. I didn't.. do that. But other things happened, and it's made me more sure than ever that this is what I want, even though I occasionally have doubts.

I'm in a bit of a pickle :frown:

I want to see if things will go anywhere with this boy from my work, but I don't want to lie to my friends anymore and I'm scared of what will happen if my family realise theres "another gay" in the family.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated mile:

Also, this boy is a little younger than me.

[Dan1089]

I'm no relationship expert so I'll leave all the wise words to the other guys here.All I know is that in such situations,your friends are often right when it comes to your partners so I'd listen to her.

[sox-and-the-city]

Right *dusts hands in manner of whatserface, that actress...*

So the main issues here are:

*You're not sure whether you're actually definitely 100% gay.
*You're wondering about this boy,
*You're worried about the implications of coming out.

First, the gayness thing. Don't look to your brother for a lead on this. I'm the 'gay' one out of three brothers (i'm the one in the middle, btw). You need to do this searching on your own, i'm afraid. Reading into what you say it sounds as though you DO like boys, especially if you've already tried things. but perhaps not. my advice there is not to push things, you'll find what feels right better by taking things as they come rather than actively seeking out experiences.

Secondly, this boy. I'd be tempted to say trust your friend on this one. And you should. But that doesn't mean you can't see if there's anything there. Be open with your friends about it, if you feel you can. If they really care it won't matter to them he's a guy. And then you'll have a support network incasae he DOES turn out to be a fuckwit. Be open with your friends, say you'd like their support in it, and, i say, go for it. See if he wants anything. There are plenty of reasons why he may have exaggerated what happened. He may be attention seeking. He may have been hoping to hint at what he was wanting to happen. He may just be a sociopath. Only one way to find out though. He can't hurt you if you keep a support network handy, yesh

Third, coming out. Are your family anti-gay?? If they could 'handle' your brother then you'll be fine. It's no shameful thing, and if they're disappointed it says a lot more about them than it does you.

Oh, and don't think your problem is silly. It's not. If it matters to you then that's what's important. Remember that.

[yar]

Follow your heart is the only advice I have for you and good luck.

[tapalapadapa]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the words mile:

My family aren't exactly anti-gay, but what's worrying me is the comments some of them have made since my brother came out. Occasionally they'll say something along the lines of "Hope your not going to turn out like your brother!" :frown: and at the other side of things I've had people like my mum and gran talk about when I have kids and how they believe I'll be the one to have them first and stuff. I'm worried things just wont be the same anymore if they found out.

As for this boy, I know things wont work out. I've heard what people have said about him and have had my own suspicions based on things that he's said, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt just now. Maybe its just because I have liked him and maybe I enjoy the texts and phone calls too much. If it turns out that he's playing me along or whatever, then I'll just try and shrug it off and say I was doing the same thing. I'm just going to try and take things as they come and not to read too much into things.

I'm 21 btw, not 1.

[princealbertofb]

Craig, you know what I think. We've discussed this before. As you know I'm the second in our bunch of 4 boys and my younger brother number three turned out to be gay too except he knew it way before and acted upon it. Now he is deceased, so I also found it difficult to come to terms with telling my mother that I was gay too, especially after he had died. I feared that it would be too much for her to take, but in fact she always knew. Isn't it silly the things people say, not realising exactly how harming it is when they say it(and maybe only half mean it, or don't mean it at all)? It's finding a way of living with it that is hard for us, but then we've got to be confident that we won't be happy unless we accept who we are and require others to love us for what and who we are rather than a fake someone.
Proust said something to the effect that "our social (outward) personality was a figment of others' imagination".

[Star Twister]

I can't offer the good advice that has already been said on this thread so........












































Give him a good banging, dump him and move on.....






Hope that helps

xxx