Concerned For A Friend's Well-Being, but Maybe Too Much?

[IndividuellaUni]

Greetings...
I have this friend, whom calls me his "best friend"... and to put it simply, I don't think that is the same case with me, if anything, I feel the friendship is too one-sided. He will talk me up to others about how good of a person I am, and practically put me on a pedestal. But there is so much underneath the surface that bothers me greatly, and I have been really patient, but I’m getting to the end of my rope.

It's a rather long and drawn out story, so bear with me as I type this out.

I've known this friend for at least four or five years now. And in between there was a falling out that he decided to drop me, but has come back around and I gave him that second chance. That's something I don't do, especially when one has had so many negative things to say behind my back. I also help him with a side business he runs, which gets me some much needed extra money here and there. Overall I guess things have been ok... but honestly, I am exhausted. Mentally and physically.

First off, he gets lazy really quickly. He then turns upon me to help him out while he orders me around from his bed. Since he is diabetic, and I am very aware of physical activity in diabetics helping them stave off illness and complications, I do my best to persuade him to help out. But there's always an excuse... he's tired. Or depressed. Or in a bad mood. And those bad moods can come very quickly.

When he's at work, he spends a lot of time on facebook. I barely post there anymore since he's on my friends list, and then became friends with a fair chunk of my own friends on there. I've posted things and he was right there to comment on whatever I posted, either thinking it was about him, or ask me why I'm on facebook when I should be "working". And this is when I am on my own time, at home, getting things done for the side business yet relaxing in my own me time as well. And yet he's prone to get into these bad moods really quickly, and I have heard of him lashing out at others during these times. I have tried talking him out of it, but he just gets very stubborn, and carries on with his anger. And then when it's all said and done, and the other person is angry towards him, he then gets all depressed and acts as though he's done nothing wrong. And when he tells me what went down, I can only half-believe what he says. There are two sides to every story, and I feel like there are reasons why he's suddenly depressed or acting the way he does after such an interaction.

He expects constant attention, and freely admits that. If I don't call him for long periods he will be asking me what I have been doing, why haven't I called, so on and so fourth. As if I have to check in with him all waking hours of the day.

Where I live there is an annual event that goes week long, and it's something really big to go to, but also expensive. He will hide these posts on facebook and then talk trash about people who are there, saying they are out whoring, and then gets really bent out of shape when someone he considers a "friend" is hanging out with people he decides he doesn't want anything to do with. Once again, he becomes irritated and stubborn and very vocal about his loathing for this event, and the people that go to it.

This segues into my next point, where I have seen him only maintain friendships for so long, or drive people away from him. He has a tendency to pick one person out of our group, and finds something to attack them on, me included. For one specific example, one person he dropped as a friend because of supposed constant lying to him. If I had to look at the other side, that person he cut out of his life was a very good friend to him, but also to others too. It's almost like this person could only be his friend, and anyone else is just another trick. Perhaps more ulterior motives, like for my friend trying to obtain this person as a boyfriend and then not being able to have him. As if I'm wrong. If he does not have plans outside of work on the weekends, he will just lay in bed. And if I do call him, he just goes on about all his friends abandoning him on the weekends, and even though I maintain contact and help him out at various times, I am made to feel like that's "not good enough". I see my boyfriend on the weekends, which is really the only time we are able to do stuff. And while we all do hang out on occaison, my boyfriend does not fully accept him based on his behavior either. They have already had a scuffle over something that should have been laid to rest and moved on from. This nearly costed me my own relationship. And since I was caught in the crossfire of it all, I have been leary since whenever those two are together.

As for things he has attacked me on, that would be things that I have posted on facebook, how I dress, how I supposedly act, any friends that I can actually interact with, and so on. If I even go to have dinner with any friends I haven’t caught up with in a while, I then get a barrage of texts that he’s instantly jealous, and that his cat is going to starve, and that I have to do this, do that, etc. But in his mind, since I have a boyfriend, I’m not allowed to have other Gay friends, and neither is my boyfriend.

My friend does have a boyfriend. My friend says he is faithful towards him, but then turns on the dating and hookup sites and starts chatting on these services with others, and has talked about cheating on him behind his back. He has also gone on to say that if my own boyfriend ever whipped his dick out at him, he would be going down on him. And this really grinds my gears, and only a part of the disrespect he shows towards me.
Speaking of disrespect, he has no problems calling me his "nigger". I shudder to even think I typed out that word, and for the record, I am Caucasian. I stand very strongly against racism and it really annoys me that he acts like this. Further that, i am deeply insulted that he would even go there with me after all i help him with. He has some fairly heavy road rage, to the point he's shouting racial slurs at those driving around him and doing things to aggravate him. We live near a high crime city and I fear one day he (maybe I as well) will get shot because of him. Another point on disrespect, he will randomly grab my crotch, or pinch my nipples. This to me is really disturbing and I make motions to step away from that, but that doesn't stop him. On top of that, the constant attention that he demands I feel is starting to take a toll on my own relationship, and I have not had barely any time for other friends I have, if they haven’t written me off yet anyways. And also my own home is a constant disaster. He also has comments about the way I dress. I don't tend to follow trends and get clothes, shoes and hats that I like. Once again, depending on what I wear, I may get called the N bomb again. Or that I dress too black. And I have been even told I act black and too queeny half the time.
I have also helped my friend out financially, and in some cases, he has been good to pay me back. He still does owe me money, and I have mentally prepared in my mind to probably not see any of this money paid back to me. He promised to pay me back when he got his tax refunds, but I’m not holding my breath.

He has also stated that he would tell my boyfriend things about me to try and ruin my relationship, and then try to expose me to others, like I have this closet full of skeletons. Once again, if things go down, I am more than prepared to tell my boyfriend what's up and I am fully trusting him to have my back. Him and close friends.

The bottom line is, I am having a hard time continuing this friendship with him. It's toxic in my eyes. And sure there are moments where things are good between us and we can have a good time, but there are just so many points that just frustrate and exhaust me. And I mostly feel suffocated. To further this point, I can tell I'm starting to lose my patience with him, I am starting to get short really quickly, and apparently I am "copping an attitude" when I give him an answer to something.

I don't feel like I have anyone to really turn to about this, mostly because of people he has befriended through me, including close friends. And I don't want to involve them at all, unless I absolutely have to. I guess I just needed to vent, get things off my chest, and try to figure things out. Maybe I've just been resilient for way too long, and let things slide for too long. And I just need to figure this out, as well as my own strength, and go from there. I’m usually very strong in the things that I say, and I don’t beat around the bush when it comes to matters I have to talk about, but this one… I’m taking some thought into it, and making sure my thoughts are in check from all of this.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking… and I need to not overwhelm myself with this.

Thanks for reading.

[IndividuellaUni]

Maybe I didn't post this in the correct forum? Though things have been somewhat better recently, there's still those episodes that make me question.

[Beaux]

Make you question what exactly...? Through out your ENTIRE post, you didn't ASK anything.
It seemed more like a venting-rant that something you wanted advice about. Which may be the reason nobody responded.
~Beaux

[Borg69]

Some people are so worried about hurting others people's feelings they sacrifice their own well being. You started out in the right place wanting to help this guy out, but he's clearly taking advantage of you, and you yourself aren't doing yourself any favors putting up with it.

If I were you, I'd cut your losses. Be honest with your friends and BF that this guy is a toxic emotional, physical, and financial parasite sucking you dry.

[IndividuellaUni]

Make you question what exactly...? Through out your ENTIRE post, you didn't ASK anything.
It seemed more like a venting-rant that something you wanted advice about. Which may be the reason nobody responded.
~Beaux

If anything, the post was made more to make sure I'm thinking things right. I will freely admit, I have a tendency of over-thinking things, which has costed me friendships in the past. Though, those past friendships, things happen for a reason.

Venting is more appropriate, but if anything, I just really needed to get things off my chest the best way I know how. Not seeing any responses did make me wonder too, but it also made me think about things after re-reading what I wrote a few times over the past couple weeks too.

[IndividuellaUni]

Some people are so worried about hurting others people's feelings they sacrifice their own well being. You started out in the right place wanting to help this guy out, but he's clearly taking advantage of you, and you yourself aren't doing yourself any favors putting up with it.

If I were you, I'd cut your losses. Be honest with your friends and BF that this guy is a toxic emotional, physical, and financial parasite sucking you dry.

As of late, I've been standing my ground more on certain matters, though he seems to want to think I'm angry with him. I wouldn't say anger, but more along the lines of disappointed with frustration thrown into the mix.

My BF does get a sense of the toxicity, and has been witness to it. I have not delved into the whole financial thing just yet, but that will come around.

I've been actually thinking more about typing out an ultimatum of sorts... basically, laying all my cards out on the table with everything going on in my brain, and letting it all dump at once, and having a discussion about it all. At this point, I really don't care if it's "too much" for him, perhaps it's about time he was made to see how tired I truly am. And you are right, I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but I have to be selfish and think for myself on this whole thing. I already predict he will just lash out at me, at that point I return his house key and start putting up the guards and telling close people just in case anything does go down. And as for those who want to take sides, not my problem.

I'm not the type of person that just walks away from someone, unless absolutely necessary. I had to once in my life, and that hurt big time. And I see similarities circling around that one instance (past lover with untreated Bi-Polar) and this one, and history repeating itself. I suppose there's no preparing me for what may come out of it, but in my mind I feel like I need to have a plan in place just in case.

[kindy64]

First, make sure your boyfriend knows everything you posted about this guy, especially the threats to derail your relationship with your boyfriend.

Second, stop enabling this guy. Every time you help him out, you are prolonging him taking care of things for himself. No more money, don't put up behaviors you don't like.

Third, don't for one instance think you are doing something wrong by letting him go by the wayside. He's an adult, he needs to grow up and take care of himself. I've been diabetic for 20+ years, and clinically depressed for the past 5 or 6 years. I still function, only lately have I been getting snippy with people. I'm doing better about getting snippy with people, but it takes conscious effort on my part, and apologizing when I know I've done wrong.

Just keep in mind, you aren't the one with the negative attitude. If the guy doesn't want to change in order to keep friendships alive, then he needs to go his own way.

You do you. You only have control over your own actions.