My 11 year old son, 12 this week, came out a month or 6 weeks ago

[Soncameoutat12]

Wow Darius, thanks for your nonsense. FYI, my son can be who ever he wants to be. Trust me, I'm not forcing anything on him. I'm pretty sure things would be much easier if he wasn't, so he could avoid the hate that will automatically come from people. Having many gay friends and relatives (I come from a large family), I have been able to reach out to them. Each one of them knew at a young age. I realize some people don't, but I believe people can have it figured out by then. I had zero doubt that I was straight earlier than 11. He has begun puberty, and we will see how things unfold. If he's in love with a Martian next week, I'll try to find a way to support him. I don't press the issue, but I will not dismiss his feelings because he is young. He is also beginning to make choices that will prompt kids to call him gay next school year. I'm going to educate him so he is prepared if he is put in a difficult situation. I won't ignore or persuade him to not be gay. I will do everything in my power to avoid anxiety, low self esteem, depression or suicide. I have 3 boys, and taught for 10 years. Many adults don't give kids enough credit. The understand more than these people realize.

Thanks for a lot of good advice! Please keep it coming. It's especially good to read advice regarding coming out. I hope it's something he can hold off on for a while. I'm almost positive that he won't want to any time soon. However, if he is adamant, I'll discuss with him what can and can't happen to prepare him the best way I know how.

Another good point..... Don't obsess over this. He's so much more than his sexuality, as everyone is. I'm definitely gonna make sure I don't over do it with him. I was cracking up reading the post below about making everything about gay at home. I love reading your personal experiences, and advice. I definitely take it all in.

[shyl4l]

Thank you both! I honestly didn't think I'd get many responses about coming out at 12. Thought I'd try. I've heard it's not uncommon for many children at this age. Both of your responses are helpful. They teach me things, and give me ideas. This is obviously one thing that I can't tell him that "I know how it feels". I was thinking to discuss keeping things pretty tight lipped for now. Especially since this is only our 2nd year at this school. He's not amongst really close friends that he had growing up. He was actually withdrawaling at school, and having anxiety. His personality totally changed. That's when I knew something was going on with him. I had noticed a few things, none of them extreme, that seemed like they could be a sign that he was into boys. I've always emphasized that I love him more than anything no matter what he does. Along with that, I've let him no I'm his soft place to fall, and will do anything I can to help him. He knows his dad and I will always be his best resource. Expressed how he should not be afraid to come to me even if he feels like he's done something wrong. Talking to him, I was able to use my "mothers intuition" to begin the dialogue about his orientation. I told him I wouldn't bring it up again later if he doesn't want me to. He let me know he felt better after our talk, and he would like to talk about it on a regular basis. It's unbelievable to me how he will bring it up now, or show me something online. When he does he has a huge smile on his face. He is much more confident of his feelings now. Fortunately, there is an lgbtq youth center near our home. He is dying to go so I said we can go check it out together. It is cool they have these groups for kids now, that I don't think they had when I was in school. It's the coming out thing that worries me. I'm sure it can't be easy to keep something a secret. That makes it feel like I'm telling him he is wrong, or it's bad, feeling this way. Hopefully I can explain to him that the problem is the ignorant hateful people, not him. I need the direction book for this. Lol! Again, thanks for replying.

Firstly let me just say 🎉🎊 congratulations! !🎊🎉. It sounds to me like you have an intelligent., brave , courageous, well adjusted son with enough conference, determination & knowledge of who he is and who he wants to be (open and honest with the world not ashamed of himself ) i have to say that i beleive most gay people know or atleast suspect that they are gay as soon as they have an idea of what it means. I knew at about the age of 6 because one of my fathers friend came out and there was a massive backlash in the village towards him. children are not stupid i picked up the gyst of what was happening. i had always felt or known i wasn’t like the other boys i just didn’t know why and when this happened i knew it just made sense . And i hid it from others and denied it to myself . There are various reasons why i didn’t tackle it. Lets just say i had the kind if childhoods you read about in books . It was pretty messed up. But that’s besides the point. Your son knows who and what he is by comming out so early i will make his life much easier . It means that his acceptance of himself is either complete or at least on its way. It means while he is growing up through his formative years and puberty he is being absolutely 100% honest with himself the difference this will make in how comfortable he is in himself and ergo around others . Yes obviously its not something that needs to be broadcast and there will be tears at some point. But sooner or later it will come out. Just be careful not to turn it into a secret ( something to be hidden . It could make him feel as if its wrong ) and in all likelihood he is going to have to at some point confide in someone. Yes your his rock but your also his mum . At his age is when start forming friendships and social groups that generally last for atleast the next 5 years or so. Somtimes longer. He is going to have friends and want to confide in them. This may go badly or may go great but its part of his personal development and i dont think it should be discouraged. Just be ready for the fall out. But also remember if these friends are to be with him for years to come then you would be better off finding out that there is a bad reaction now rather than later when it could totally disassociate him from his social clique . Yes at this age k8ds can b3 harsh but they are also young enough to reform without to much difficulty their views . At the m9ment they are not sexually active so it wont be as big a deal but as they get older and they are trying to assert the masculinity have raging hormones and then to be aggressive. I’m not sure there could be a worse time to. But if they have already accepted him it will not be a shock and he will not be such a threat.. he has taken a massive step and by doing that he is saying i want to be who i am. Let him be who he is, figure out who he is along with all the other stuff we have to get to grips with. the world at large and how we fit into and relate to it. I get the feeling you are going to do a spectacular job . Your love, empathy & compassion shine through . I know being gay is in some ways going to make his life a little more difficult but it isnt the world it used to be . Its a lot more accepting. Remember he is normal! There are over 1500 documented species of animal (human beings being one of them) that have homosexual relationships and bonds. Yet there is only 1 species that are homophobic. Wraping him up in cotton wool may seem like a viable solution. But he has already shown strength of will and character i think it could do more harm than good . Let him make the decisions and plan the timing . You are going to need to trust him on it or he will just do it behind your back anyway. Be there to tell him how proud you are of him. And be a shoulder when he needs it.

Goodluck but i think you will be fine

[CoCoCo21]

Hello all!

My oldest son recently came out to me. He turns 12 this week, and starts middle school next year. My husband and I love him more than anything, and this will never change that. I've attended my first work shop for parents of gay children. It was helpful, but somewhat scary and overwhelming. As unrealistic as it is, I want to be able to protect him from anything/anyone that will hurt him mentally or physically for his orientation. My husband, son and I have decided to keep this private until he is prepared to he expressed that was his desire. I learned in the workshop, or was given the suggestion, to discuss coming out, and what can come along with it when he does. I would love any advice, personal experiences or suggestions on a few things I hope to help and support him with. If anyone came out in middle school, how did it go? What helps to know before you come out at a young age. Do we need to have a safety talk? If so, what things need to be included in this? Will there be locker room problems? What should he do when people are bullying him, or saying hurtful things? Oh, one more thing..... I believe he can tell that he is gay at this age. My husband questions it. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, and any response is greatly appreciated.

Hi there!

Well, let me just start by saying that your kid is one brave little one. Like some of the guys here have stated, he must have felt safe to be able to talk to you two about it.

I knew I was gay all along, but I didn't accept myself until I was 26. It's a hard thing to do at such a young age. Until today, my parents don't officially know that I'm gay. They don't want to know, and I'm okay with that.

As far as him having problems at school. It's going to happen. I got bullied for being gay when I was in jr. high, high school, and college...but I always just shrugged it off. Kids can be cruel and can sense when someone is different. I would suggest you prepare your kid for the worst. Let him know to not let what other people think about him, bother him. Yes, I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done. People tried to shame me, but I never let it get to me. Tell him to find a group of friends who like him for who he is and that's it. That's all he needs.

The best thing you can do is support him through this stage of his life. He will need you the most in his teenage years. Be strong and remember that you won't be able to protect him from getting his feelings hurt all the time. Be ready to listen to him.

I wish you the best of luck with this journey. I'm so proud that you're reaching out to get all the help you can get. Kudos.

-Misael

[VirgoMasquerade]

Well its good to hear he has a caring and open family to back whatever path he takes, That being said i know you want to shield him from pain that us gay men carry during life but you cant always show a person the world is always green. Just remind him there are always gonna be nice people in the world that wont matter about who he dates. Also i would teach him about sex ed, Schools now dont really speech much on lgbt sex so its kinda hard for us to be able to learn stuff that relates to us. You guys are doing great so far just let him figure out all the stuff in his head for now and be there to hug him and love him the whole step of the way

[Camfer]

One more thing about bullies targeting gays. Many of the bullies could have same-sex attractions themselves, and having taken on some shame from family, church, or society, they act it out upon others.

I always wondered about one guy in high school who used to try taunting me. His obsession seemed somewhat suspicious to me. It would have been pretty easy for me to turn the tables on him if I wanted to. Instead I just ignored him.

[Darius]

You asked for our thoughts and I gave you mine. You didn't like them. No problem.
My point was that at 11 years of age, he may not know if he is gay or not. May not being the key words.
I know that when I went into puberty, I knew I was attracted to both males and females. Time alone can prove those feelings out. Here are a few examples of what could conceivably cause a young child to come to the conclusion that he is gay: a child has a same sex experience and likes it. He concludes he must be gay. Maybe he saw gay porn and found it exciting and arousing. That makes him think he must be gay. Or, worst case scenario, someone older molests the child and as is often the case, the child takes the responsibility for it happening, he blames himself. From this he thinks this makes him gay. Or the child might actually be gay. The latest statistics show that the average age that boys are exposed to porn in the 21st century is aged 7. Imagine what that could do to a prepubescent child's young, impressionable mind. Maybe your son is gay and maybe he isn't. He will know in his own time.
One other thing, lots of people think that having sex proves sexuality. That is just not true. Lots of gay men who are in denial have sex with women. It doesn't make them straight or bisexual. The sex proves nothing.

[Cuddly]

Whatever the reason [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION] he has parents that support him and all will be well.

Personally, I only figured out I was gay because I watched (straight) porn with friends and they questioned my choices in those. See, I picked them based on the men, not the women. Had that night happened 3 years earlier or 5 years later, maybe I'd have known then instead. I was 14.

I came out at 18 to my family and 20 to everyone. Everybody was very supportive, if surprised, except for my best friend who couldn't seem to deal with it. He believed it was some kind of phase.

-

I think the best course of action would be to assure him that his feelings are normal, that there are many gays living happy lives of all kinds out there, but also that there's going to be those who hate him for no reason and believe he's making a spiteful "choice" every morning when he wakes up and decides to be gay that day.

That said, nobody has ever been mean to me.

And yes, some sex ed. is a good idea. You're the better judge of when that talk should happen. When I think of a child with toys, not a young adult. But maybe he's an early bloomer.

Oh and one more thing. It's painful to go around with nobody to talk to as a closeted teenager. I'm glad he has you.

[MickTheMousie]

Hi i'm so happy to hear how supportive you are

Anyway, i found out that i was gay about 2 months after my 13th birthday and i came out to my two nearest friends about that spring (about 6 months after i found out) And they took it very well (both girls) tho they did tell others, so personally i would tell hi to wait a bit, i'm not out fully, but i'm not really trying that hard to cover it up, so prety much everybody in my school already guessed it (i wear skinny jeans and have a pretty feminine walk) and yea some people chose to pick on me, but for the most they dont really care, i have a few guy friends (i've always been better friends with the girls, i'm quite mature of my age) My friends dont seem to care neither the guys or the girls, after about 6 months after coming out i'm out to all my girl friends, tho i'm not out to any of my guy friends yet.

What i'm trying to say is that, yea kids can be mean, but they are not any worse than adoults to be real, though as many as the others said, then find out what kind of friends he surrounds him self with, and how educated his class mates are, maybe ask the teachers to bring it up a bit more often

I also read someone saying something about controlling what he's doing on his phone/pc, that just seem really mean to be and it signals that you dont trust him, cuz of his sexuality, so i wouldn't do that no matter what, if he's mature enough to know hes gay at that age, he's probably also mature enough to understand how to behave online, and if you didn't have any control apps on him before why now? as many others said being gay doesn't change him as a person, it just defines who he's attracted to

[TigerLover]

Good job you should be proud that your son felt comfortable coming out to you at age 11.

[MickTheMousie]

Alto, you dont need a beard to be gay XD