My 11 year old son, 12 this week, came out a month or 6 weeks ago

[Soncameoutat12]

Hello all!

My oldest son recently came out to me. He turns 12 this week, and starts middle school next year. My husband and I love him more than anything, and this will never change that. I've attended my first work shop for parents of gay children. It was helpful, but somewhat scary and overwhelming. As unrealistic as it is, I want to be able to protect him from anything/anyone that will hurt him mentally or physically for his orientation. My husband, son and I have decided to keep this private until he is prepared to he expressed that was his desire. I learned in the workshop, or was given the suggestion, to discuss coming out, and what can come along with it when he does. I would love any advice, personal experiences or suggestions on a few things I hope to help and support him with. If anyone came out in middle school, how did it go? What helps to know before you come out at a young age. Do we need to have a safety talk? If so, what things need to be included in this? Will there be locker room problems? What should he do when people are bullying him, or saying hurtful things? Oh, one more thing..... I believe he can tell that he is gay at this age. My husband questions it. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, and any response is greatly appreciated.

[Cridders88]

Hey, welcome

I knew I was gay from about age 12, yet didn't come out to anyone until I was 24. My parents not until I was 25. Although I was surrounded by tolerant people in adult life, I guess I just wasn't ready. I do kind of wish I had come out sooner, because hiding away, for me personally, wasn't doing me any good. So I am happy your son has had the confidence to do it so young . As for if he can tell whether he is gay at his age? Most definitely. People sometimes discover this later on, but I knew for sure when I was his age.

As for how things will go at school, it's difficult to tell. I was bullied a fair bit at school, not because anyone knew I was gay, but it happened nonetheless. Unfortunately, there is no denying that until children mature they can be quite nasty (and some people remain that way even when they are "mature"). I don't know what your sons school is like, but coming out there to people of his age does carry risks. Hopefully someone will reply here that did come out at school, and will be able to offer more insight.

You are doing a fantastic job as you are. You are supporting your son and looking out for him in what is often a difficult time. So kudos to you for that . Some people aren't so lucky. Best of luck

[Insertnamehere]

Hey there miss.

As for your last questions, tell your husband that it is more than possible. I started liking other guys at the same age and there was never any confusion about it from my part. The attraction was and still is very clear.

I would have never in a million years talked about it with my parents though. Since both of your reactions were good, I assume he knew it was safe to do so. He's one lucky kid, I will tell you that much.

As for the rest, it's tricky.


Depending on what kind of environment sorrounds him at school, I wouldn't suggest that he goes around yelling it to the 4 winds just yet, except in time, when he has a very close group of mature friends that he can trust completely. Kids around that age are not mature.

I suppose that would be the general idea from me, that this remains a thing shared only with very close people until he's older. If he however feels differently, he needs to be prepared and fully aware that not everyone will be ok about it and some may give him problems over it. This won't be the case forever, eventually he will be out and about, I think. But in a few years, when he's mature enough to handle the risks.

Middle and High School will be a place where bullying will take place over many things besides sexuality anyway. To be honest, High School was horrible for me closeted and all and I don't even remember how exactly did I went through it, but I did.

That's about as much as I can tell you. Hopefully others will have better advice. Let me say though, you're already doing a lot for him, so any trouble on the way should be handled quite fine by you and him.

[Lacitis70]

I kind of agree with your husband, I would question it too. At least I definitely wasn't sure I was gay when I was 12. I believe it's a bit too early to be completely sure. He's still a child.

Coming out depends of the place where you live in but I wouldn't advise to rush into it. Kids can be really cruel at this age, he must be ready for it if he decides to tell anyone.

[Soncameoutat12]

Thank you both! I honestly didn't think I'd get many responses about coming out at 12. Thought I'd try. I've heard it's not uncommon for many children at this age. Both of your responses are helpful. They teach me things, and give me ideas. This is obviously one thing that I can't tell him that "I know how it feels". I was thinking to discuss keeping things pretty tight lipped for now. Especially since this is only our 2nd year at this school. He's not amongst really close friends that he had growing up. He was actually withdrawaling at school, and having anxiety. His personality totally changed. That's when I knew something was going on with him. I had noticed a few things, none of them extreme, that seemed like they could be a sign that he was into boys. I've always emphasized that I love him more than anything no matter what he does. Along with that, I've let him no I'm his soft place to fall, and will do anything I can to help him. He knows his dad and I will always be his best resource. Expressed how he should not be afraid to come to me even if he feels like he's done something wrong. Talking to him, I was able to use my "mothers intuition" to begin the dialogue about his orientation. I told him I wouldn't bring it up again later if he doesn't want me to. He let me know he felt better after our talk, and he would like to talk about it on a regular basis. It's unbelievable to me how he will bring it up now, or show me something online. When he does he has a huge smile on his face. He is much more confident of his feelings now. Fortunately, there is an lgbtq youth center near our home. He is dying to go so I said we can go check it out together. It is cool they have these groups for kids now, that I don't think they had when I was in school. It's the coming out thing that worries me. I'm sure it can't be easy to keep something a secret. That makes it feel like I'm telling him he is wrong, or it's bad, feeling this way. Hopefully I can explain to him that the problem is the ignorant hateful people, not him. I need the direction book for this. Lol! Again, thanks for replying.

[Camfer]

I'm not sure if you're in the midwest or the west coast. It will make a big difference to your son's experience whether he is living in a more tolerant or conservative environment.

Regarding bullying, yes that should be his and your concern. If he is confident and well liked, he won't be bullied. If he's meek, he might be bullied. So it's more about how he carries himself. A strong character and the worst he'll get is some verbal taunts. Check out this program for making kids bully proof. The kid in the video was 14 and from Indiana.




As your son gets a little older, it would be great to find a gay teen support group and/or an older gay man to help mentor him. When I was growing up I had no gay role models, and I sure could have used some guidance and mentorship.

I also think you are going to need some kind of discussion on his use of the internet and social media. There are parental controls available for his phone that will install on your phone any app that he installs on his phone, or that give you approval authority over any apps he installs. You can prove really helpful to him in thinking through what is and isn't appropriate for him online.

Kids can definitely know at 12. I think the message is that he should love whomever he wants and not get caught up in the labels where all you get is gay/bi/straight. Human sexuality is much more nuanced than that. He needs to allow himself the freedom to be himself, not adopt some sexual orientation identity, in my opinion.

Good luck and you found a great forum of gay men for getting some of the information you need. Now you will also need a forum for parents of gay kids. You might try to located a PFLAG chapter near you, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

https://community.pflag.org/

[matty7]

I also new was gay at 12 so your son is too young to know his own mind really , luckily for kids these days it is a hell of a lot more acceptable, especially to his peers - as for bullying or name calling etc, kids will be kids to the end of time and there is a good chance this will happen.....but it probably would if he were over weight or had any other stand out feature that kids could poke fun at (children can be mean) - my personal advice would be for him to make the name calling a non event by just not reacting to it....as in...if a kids calls him queer he could just turned round and say yes..so what ...it sort of stops the intended hurt stone dead and he also doesn't upset by it too

Btw - you and your husband are doing a great job so far

[IanSaysHi]

[MENTION=23324]Soncameoutat12[/MENTION]
First of all, thank you so much for sharing this with us.
I knew very early on that I preferred guys, but just knew not to talk about it. I really couldn't tell my parents back then, my Dad was definitely outspoken about gay guys... I remember very clearly when Freddie Mercury died because AIDS was so commonly talked about with being gay, that I thought being gay meant you had AIDS, so when he died I asked my parents how old he was, so I knew roughly how long I had left to live!! I must have been about 8... It seems crazy but that's how it was. Everything ticked along until I went to secondary (high) school when I was 11. All my friends went to a different school so I went to one where no-one knew me, and I went from being popular to disliked pretty quickly by a select bunch of people, who called me gay and queer etc for my 5 years there. I had girlfriends, but this was mainly because I so desperately wanted to have what others have. I have always been drawn to love.

It drew to a head at college (or what we call college here; age 16-18). I told a friend I'd made that I was gay, thinking she'd understand as she had a gay friend. Instead, she told someone who hated me at school, who then messaged me saying the next day everyone was going to know I was gay and they were going to share my home phone number with the world. I never went back to college; I ended up getting qualifications later instead. I had to lie to my Mum (my parents had divorced by this point) about going to college.

Around this time I met a guy for the first time and as soon as we kissed I KNEW that it was right, I'd kissed a few girls but it never felt like this. We were happy. One night I was with him and my phone rang - my Mum. She sounded so different... She asked where I was. I said I was with my friend - but she said she'd already called there and I wasn't there. She said she had a letter from college saying I'd not been going and I'd been lying to her so much lately.. Where was I... She started crying, I told her I'd see her the next day and sort it out, but my boyfriend told me I had to tell her what was going on. I wanted him to come with me but he said I had to do this alone (at the time seemed so harsh; now I realise how wise this was). So I went home and spent about an hour not being able to tell her. All I could say was "you'll not love me anymore". She kept asking if I was on drugs, if I'd got someone pregnant... Finally, I told her I was gay. There was a short silence, then she just hugged me. She said it must have been horrible keeping it a secret... Then I think she just took it all in. She said we'd never be able to tell my Dad as he'd have a heart attack, but otherwise it seemed cool.

The next day however she was crying in the kitchen. I asked what was wrong and she said she felt bereaved of the son she thought was going to get married and have kids. This stung and sounds harsh, but if you met my Mum you'd know she is one of the most caring and lovely people I've ever known. I just know this was a huge bombshell she wasn't expecting and she had to take time to deal.

We kept it a secret for a while, however she got depressed which I think was brought on by keeping this secret - my Mum is so honest, I think it made her ill. So, one day she just told everyone. My sister and brother in law were great about it (didn't expect my brother in law to be to be fair). She even told my Dad who said he was okay with it because "at least he's not like George Michael" - that was a better reaction than I expected.

Anyway, my point (I've taken a while to get there):
Since all this I've met people who were vile to me at school. 99% have apologised for how they treated me.
The bullying I suffered made me who I am today, and though it was awful, it made me want to achieve more in life and prove to others that I could be liked and do well in my career and so much more. I have the best friends and close family I could hope for and I've achieved so so much.

One thing I didn't have though, during the bullying, was anyone I could talk to. That your son could tell you this at his age is amazing, and if he does get any problems in the future, at least he can share them with you. I could never tell my parents I was being bullied for being gay. What you have is amazing.

Finally - one last thing - and I'm sure I don't need to tell you this - but after I told my Mum, sometimes she would hone in on anything that was gay like news, the pros of having a gay son etc for a while... But being gay is just a small portion of who I am. I don't want this to be the only thing my family and friends know me for. Celebrate your son's talents and achievements, his goals and personality. Just let him know that if he needs to talk about that side of things, you'll be there.

Hope this helps

[Fairwooz]

Hello there. First of all, let me just say how much I admire you and your husband for being so supportive and understanding. That is crucial to your son's development in general and more specifically, him accepting his sexuality and realising that there's nothing wrong with being different.

As for me, I was kind of suspecting I was gay by the age of 12 but the real realisation came a few years later, just as I got into high school. I also admire your son's bravery to come out to you that early. I came out to my closest friends when I was 18.
As a teenage homosexual you really do need support from friends, family and fellow teenagers with the same orientation and I really wish I had that myself whilst growing up. I was one of these kids that never got bullied, mostly because I was quite mature for my age and never really cared what others have to say about me. Best strategy to avoid these unpleasant occurrences is to simply brush it off and ignore it. As [MENTION=18997]matty7[/MENTION] said, if someone calls you a queer (or be it any other insult- kids are quite creative when it comes to making fun of something), simply roll with it. In that way bullies just lose interest in you. The main point of bullying is to see the reaction of the ''victim''- showing emotion (anger,embarrassment etc) and making it obvious that you actually care is what encourages bullies to carry on with it.

It might be a good idea to advice your son to be quite moderate when it comes to coming out fully. I mean.. I am 21 and I am very comfortable with my sexuality now- I am out to all of my friends but I still don't feel the need to put it in peoples' faces as soon as I meet them. If someone asks I would gladly tell them I am gay. Sexuality does not define personality and I don't think that should be the focus of a person's description. Make sure your son understands that and don't let him build negative associations based on the fact he's gay.

[Darius]

He's 11 years old. He thinks he's gay this week. Next month he might feel he's not. If he is in puberty, it's only just barely. Just let him be a boy and grow up to be whatever kind of man he wants.