I have a problem... and i need help.. please

[graffinfected]

Me and my partner have been together for 9 years now.

we have been through SO MUCH crap together i cant even begin to explain.

to make it short, i cought him online soliciting sex one day... i thought the world was over but we spoke and got over it...

then he did it again...

and again

and again....

we both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship even before we started dating.

the last time he did it i broke up with hiim and left.

he came back.

then he did it again....

now, i keep thinking to myself that this man just does not love me at all... why would he keep doing this and then ask me not to leave.. or swear he loves me. i am deeply in love with him and i just keep forgiving it and keep thinking he wont do it again...

now he tells me hes not in love with me anymore.

i feel like my whole world is crushed again..

i feel like maybe he needs some kind of help or something. he says that he loves me in every other way other than partnership.

i honestly do not know what to do and so all im thinking about is leaving.


someone please comment. i need opinions. i need help..

[East]

He may have a sex addiction problem...and if so...he would have to be the one who decides he has the problem and seek help. You could support him...or not. I know it is a very tough position to be in having to support him...and would require a lot of understanding and hard work for you as well to come to terms with it. There is also the possibility that he won't overcome it...and that is a possibility you have to consider.....

As for loving you..I think love and lust are two separate things so I can believe that he does love you....maybe not the "ideal" love...but love nonetheless.

Do you know if he had any kind of sexual abuse in his past...or when he was younger? That is often part of the equation...

I can't tell you what to do. The position you are in is very difficult. You have to make a choice...not an easy one....

I wish you luck ((()))

[graffinfected]

He may have a sex addiction problem...and if so...he would have to be the one who decides he has the problem and seek help. You could support him...or not. I know it is a very tough position to be in having to support him...and would require a lot of understanding and hard work for you as well to come to terms with it. There is also the possibility that he won't overcome it...and that is a possibility you have to consider.....

As for loving you..I think love and lust are two separate things so I can believe that he does love you....maybe not the "ideal" love...but love nonetheless.

Do you know if he had any kind of sexual abuse in his past...or when he was younger? That is often part of the equation...

I can't tell you what to do. The position you are in is very difficult. You have to make a choice...not an easy one....

I wish you luck ((()))

thank you for your great response.

i have read about both sides of sex addiction. The side which many people beleive they might have a problem and the side which claims sex addiction is just an excuse for husbands and wives to give when they get caught.

me? i personally dont mind if he had a sex addiction or not. as long as he continues to be monogamous its fine with me. I have always known that he enjoys his porn. And believe me, so do I. But during the first 5-6 years it never got in the way of our sex life. after that, it got to the point where we couldnt have sex without the dam porn being on the tv. Obviously, it annoyed me at this point.

recently, we have been being intimate with each other without porn. and the sex is always great... however, maybe 3 min. after we both are done. he wants to watch porn again. It bothers me because it makes me feel like i wasent enough. But i have not been giving him a hard time about it.

I feel like this relationship has had a crash landing. We used to be crazy about each other and now im just crazy.. lol this sucks.

[Insertnamehere]

That sounds like addiction to me. If that is so he is need need of admitting it and then seek help. You can't do that for him.

It's up to you whether you can put up with all of this or call it quits really. It's a tricky situation you need to think about your mental health as well.

[kindy64]

i feel like maybe he needs some kind of help or something. he says that he loves me in every other way other than partnership.

I wasn't clear, is he soliciting in person sex, or just yanking it online with other dudes?

If he doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't feel the need to change, he's not going to change.

Not sure what he means when he says he loves you in every other way other than partnership. Is it monogamy that he's against?

I'd say your relationship has issues, and maybe the two of you should try couples therapy.

I feel you with the whole watching porn during sex. I don't understand it either. My boyfriend is like too. I think it's just what he's used to.

[jimcrackcorn]

You been in a relationship for nine years, and got thru a lot of shit together by working thru your problems.. You have evidently hit a road block on this problem and need professional help... Seek a Couples Counselor who has experience with gay couples.. If there is also a sex addiction problem, then the Couples Counselor may also be able to help in that area by suggesting a good therapist for that..

Best Wishes,
Jim

[East]

thank you for your great response.

i have read about both sides of sex addiction. The side which many people beleive they might have a problem and the side which claims sex addiction is just an excuse for husbands and wives to give when they get caught.

me? i personally dont mind if he had a sex addiction or not. as long as he continues to be monogamous its fine with me. I have always known that he enjoys his porn. And believe me, so do I. But during the first 5-6 years it never got in the way of our sex life. after that, it got to the point where we couldnt have sex without the dam porn being on the tv. Obviously, it annoyed me at this point.

recently, we have been being intimate with each other without porn. and the sex is always great... however, maybe 3 min. after we both are done. he wants to watch porn again. It bothers me because it makes me feel like i wasent enough. But i have not been giving him a hard time about it.

I feel like this relationship has had a crash landing. We used to be crazy about each other and now im just crazy.. lol this sucks.

Can I ask...have you had 3 ways or group sex?

This is quite common....not just with gays....with straight people as well. We are just more likely to talk about it LOL

No matter what happens...he will probably always desire other men..or have other men who excite him...so there is a possibility for you to grow if you learn to enjoy his excitement by watching or participating....

He will also find other men attractive..so will you. We all do. It is OK....

...and let it be a relief to you instead of a problem that you don't have to be "everything" to him. Seriously. The lengths some people go to in order to hold on to their appearance...or the tricks people use to manipulate their partners...UGH.....

It is the staple of soap operas and failed lives....

Being everything to anyone else is a huge burden.

I am not saying you should or shouldn't stay...just putting this on the table for you to consider...