Not sure if I can continue with this - please help

[rroepcke]

Hey guys,

Needing a bit of advice. Last night myself and my partner of almost two years had a massive fight - now I'm not sure whether to end it or keep going.

Backstory: In early 2014, when my partner and I had been going out for perhaps 3 months I came over to his house unannounced and he was acting strange, trying to get me out of there. Knowing something was up, I got in my car and drove a small distance away. I saw a guy (who I knew to be one of his ex-fuck buddies) leaving his house - who he had hidden in his parents room while I was there. Unsure of how to confront I sat in my car trying to figure out what to do. He then called me and asked me if I wanted to come back over. I was so mad he thought I was that stupid to not question it. Seeing red/filled with rage I jumped out of the car, stormed into his house and flew into a yelling tirade. I had never felt so betrayed or hurt. Funnily enough I didn't leave him because in my rant I said something along the lines of 'I fucking love you' and saw his face light up. Not just a smile, but it was as though me saying that meant so much to him that he couldn't hide how happy it made him. It was there where he said 'I love you' back and I decided to give him another chance.

The issue: My partner never severed connection with the guy - and because I used to be quite meek and wasn't very confident I never stepped up and told my partner I wanted all contact severed. I did tell him I didn't like that they had contact and whenever they had a coffee I would tell him it made me uncomfortable. I guess I just wanted him to use initiative, respect my feelings/the anxiety it gives me and sever the connection himself. Anyway, 5 or so months ago, the guy deleted my partner from all social networks and blocked his number. Yesterday he decided to re-add him and they've been talking again. My partner told me in an attempt to be 'transparent' but the feelings of anxiety, hurt and betrayal are still there.

I told my partner I think it's better for our relationship if they no longer talk. I said that there's no reason for them to be in contact, we have a nice life, plenty of friends and everything we need. The guy has moved literally 5 houses down from my partners house where he lives during the working week. So you can imagine the anxiety this causes me if they are in contact.

I was as upfront and polite as I could be given the current circumstances and our past. He told me he thinks I am being unreasonable and that I don't trust him. I explained I trust him, but given the past with this particular person there is a justified amount of doubt there, which is a result of the betrayal and hurt. I explained it is only with this one particular person.

He got very mad and started getting agitated about how if I don't trust him I should leave. He said he should be able to speak with anyone he wants. This went on for a long time and made me feel incredibly guilty. I've tried explaining that he made the choices which put this in motion and he should have cut off contact with this person after the event. Now he keeps going on about trust.

I'm unsure of what I can do. I've written a letter to him to better articulate how it all makes me feel. I'm not sure what else I can do, please help with any advice you may have, even if it's harsh advice or you think I am being unreasonable.

[IndividuellaUni]

I wouldn't trust him either. What is his reasoning behind talking to an ex fuckbuddy in the first place?
Write the letter, but be there in person to discuss it. Don't just leave it there.

[rroepcke]

I wouldn't trust him either. What is his reasoning behind talking to an ex fuckbuddy in the first place?
Write the letter, but be there in person to discuss it. Don't just leave it there.

He never really explained his reasoning - he said they always had a good friendship as well as the sex, and he wanted to remain friends. He also finds it hard to make and keep friends (as he's incredibly work focused - working more than ten hours per day) so values the connections he does have.

I ended up sitting down with him after asking him to read the letter. It was very short and simply said how I felt and why I felt like I did, I ended it with something about him moving on from the ex so we could move forward together. He said he didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation and said after a year and a half I should be past it. But said he sees my point of view and needs to think about everything. I guess we'll see what happens!

[kindy64]

So, why not include you in the friendship. Invite him over, and try to get along with the guy?

[InbetweenDreams]

Sounds like you pretty much caught him in the act...If there wasn't anything to hide then why act strange if nothing bad is taking place? So I think your concerns are well justified...

[Insertnamehere]

He needs to understand that with this particular person, he betrayed your trust once and once is enough to make a lot of damage to a relationship. If he doesn't see that, than you will haver to make him understand. If he loves you as he says he does, he should be able to drop 1 person out of his life. It's not like they're the closests BFFs ever.

[Monkey]

Idk man, I feel like you need to make him understand that it isn't so much an issue of trust anymore; it's that this ex-fuckbuddy is a constant reminder of how he hurt you and even if it's perfectly innocent it's going to make you uncomfortable.

[jimcrackcorn]

Unfortunately,,, telling your boyfriend who he can & cannot associate with,,, isn't going to work to your benefit in most cases.

He will not understand why you want to control who he sees,,, even the one's he slept with and befriended.

My advice is to let your boyfriend keep this friendship with his x-fuck buddy, but let him know that you will leave him if he has sex with his friend again. This is what is called a "compromise" in the relationship. Your boyfriend gets to keep his friend, and you get an assurance that they will no longer have sex together.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Genersis]

Whether they are having sex or not, they seem to be good friends.
Partner or not, t's very unlikely you can force them to stop talking to and spending time with each other. He's his own person, I doubt many people will submit to that level of control from their partner.

In the end, it's up to you where to go from here.
Though it should be noted, it's always easier to change oneself than others.
Ergo, it would be easier to change how this situation makes you feel, than to change your partner's behaviour.
Make of that what you will.

[Nutria]

Every cheater will always throw the "trust" blame on you as to deflect from what he is doing. You are so right to not trust him, because if he really respected you and loved you, he would not fight you on this. It's not like you don't have a good reason to demand this, he knows, and I'm sure there's more to it still. If I were you, I would just take the pain, and heartache and leave him and find somebody worth of your love. There are still plenty of great, faithful men out there. Don't limit yourself to an asshole. You can do so much better. Best of luck to you, and I hope you find the courage to move on to better things.