In a fair bit of trouble and seem to be doing alone

[Anonymous]

Hi

I need some sort of advice, I seem to find myself in the worse possible situation

Now I’ve been dating a guy for quiet sometime now, to the point we are engaged and I was pretty resolved.

I went looking for friends because I don’t have many at all in life, and I managed to make some but one guy in particular hit off really well, basically became best friends.

This new friend was single, whilst I was in a relationship and everything seems normal, tried my best to ensure he never felt like a third wheel or to throw things in his face so I kept things relatively separate.

I spent a lot of time with my friend because the other half really likes to go and do his own things.

Only a couple of days ago my friend got into a relationship, now I really wanted to be happy for him, I truly did, he was going to get the stuff I already had, but I found my heart was heavy and I really couldn’t grasp why

Then I admitted to myself the worse thing possible, I admitted to myself I had feelings for him. Really strong feelings for him

This wasn’t out of jealousy or anything, it was just the way he made me feel, and to know now that was never going to be.

Now from the start we made it clear that we were only in this for the friendship as how often do you hear about having gay best friends and he is quiet attractive to boot.

But now I’m in the situation of being really heartbroken, to the point the only way I think I can handle it is not to see him again.

But then not seeing him will depress me, I know that already. I am not his type and frankly I didn’t boil him to being my type apart from being attractive but I don’t just go for good looking people, I have to like guys that have heart and a sound personality and the amount of times my friend has p*$$ed me off with his political views, his closed points of view and sometimes he right stupid humor you would of thought I had nothing to worry about.

I was wrong, because clearly I felt otherwise without knowing it.

The issue is my partner has no clue, he has no clue, and I have become very distant and distracted over this all, and I’m seeking to resolve this.

Now I don’t need to hear, "you should be thankful for what you got" because trust me, I darn well am very thankful, I have a partner that would move the earth for me, and a best friend who would drop things at the tip of a hat and come and visit me for any reason, though we don’t live very close to one another and it’s a travelling nightmare between me and my friend.

The only thing I can say is I can stay as friends and continue without this guy knowing, but it will pretty much kill me inside watching him, feeling the way I do, with him being with someone else. And those with experience of depression know what that could lead to.

I do not blame the other person at all in the slightest, I find myself, blaming myself, for allowing myself to feel this way, but emotions are darn well hard to control that’s for sure.

Please someone, who might of had a similar situation or something please just tell me what I can do, my chest hurts so much!

Please help

[LJay]

You are jealous, yes.

Sorry, but you can't have all the candy. Others want some too and they deserve it.

You should make up your mind. If you are engaged you need to dommit and though it is great to have friends, those who distract you this much should leave you thinking rather seriously about your level of commitment.

[Anonymous]

So much for "constructive" advice

Straight in there with the whole "Your jealous"

Hate the break it to you, but if I was jealous, I would resent the guy he is dating, to which I did make clear I held no resentment at all, in actual fact I did also state I wanted to be happy for him.

My commitment and how I feel is the issue in question and hence the reason I made this post, to see if someone who has been in a similar situation could advise. Or someone with some empathy at least.

[Anocxu]

well, basically became best friends.

If you met this guy >after< your partner. .
How come your partner was not your best friend?

This new friend was single, whilst I was in a relationship and everything seems normal, tried my best to ensure he never felt like a third wheel or to throw things in his face so >I kept things relatively separate.<

^^^^
This is where you made a terrible mistake.
If you had presented you and your partner "consistently"
As one.. as a team.. it would have helped to keep your feelings in check.

You should have set aside time spent with you , your partner and your best friend.

Example the three of you for dinner , a movie.. a game .. minimum twice a week.

The reason you kept things separate ..you were attracted to him way before you realized it.

>You and your partner are one..
>You present yourself as one..
I'm sure you two separate from time to time.. but two much separation is just an awful way for you to grow apart.

I spent a lot of time with my friend because the other half really likes to go and do his own things.

^^^
Personal growth is essential for a successful relationship. .
BUT..
Your partner going off and doing his own things should have been an indication to you to get involved in His space just a bit more.

The issue is, my partner has no clue, he has no clue, and I have become very distant and distracted over this all, and I’m seeking to resolve this.

There is definitely a possibility your partner knows.

Be careful with that assumption.

You haven't said much about your partner..
You are way too invested in your feelings for your best friend.

How about this..
Come clean with your partner..
Both of you can work together to get your feelings in check?

I was in a similar situation. .
It didn't go very well..

I realized what my partner was doing waaaay before he did.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Yes, you are a on the jealous side. Even tho its not like most jealous cases it's still a form of it. You got used to him always being around and single but now a new guy is in his left and that made you feel like you had nothing left. I don't believe you truly love him, You only like him now that someone else is "fucking" him and his time xD Why not spend a little time with your man maybe have a date night and do something very romantic?

[MikeW]

... please just tell me what I can do, my chest hurts so much!

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] has given you some quality advice. The mistake you've made is relating to another guy as an individual and forming a "best friend" bond without your partner really participating in that. (Or, if he was present at all with this bonding, you've made no indication of it.) But that is hind-sight. Another lesson learned. But Anocxu is right, you need to come clean with your partner about this... about how you've developed a crush on your friend and need help dealing with it. In my opinion this is the kind of thing PARTNERSHIPS (capital R relationships) are for: Two guys helping one another out through the thick and thin of life. In this case you've made an emotional mistake and now need to re-trace your steps and get back on track with your guy.

As for ending your friendship, I don't know. That's up to you. In my experience, when I form a crush on someone and, for whatever reason, am not able to have more than a friendship with them, what happens is over time I get over the crush. I go on with my life, he goes on with his, and we continue to be friends and I no longer feel as I did. But that's me. What's true for you, IDK... you have to feel that one out for yourself. But this, too, is something to be discussed between you and your guy. How should you deal with this?

Also, you're not the only gay guy who falls into this situation. In fact I'd say its fairly common. It can lead to all kinds of unwanted drama if you're not honest with yourself and your partner about what you REALLY want.

As for your heavy chest, emotions, etc., well... yeah... they are difficult to control. But we all have to learn to control them to some extent. You're responsible for your emotions, not anyone else.

[Anocxu]

e. The mistake you've made is relating to another guy as an individual and forming a "best friend" bond without your partner really participating in that. (Or, if he was present at all with this bonding, you've made no indication of it.) But that is hind-sight. Another lesson learned. relationships are for: Two guys helping one another out through the thick and thin of life. In this case you've made an emotional mistake and now need to re-trace your steps and get back on track with your guy.

As for ending your friendship, I don't know. That's up to you. In my experience, when I form a crush on someone and, for whatever reason, am not able to have more than a friendship with them, what happens is over time I get over the crush. I go on with my life, he goes on with his, and we continue to be friends and I no longer feel as I did. But that's me. What's true for you, IDK... you have to feel that one out for yourself. But this, too, is something to be discussed between you and your guy. How should you deal with this?

Also, you're not the only gay guy who falls into this situation. In fact I'd say its fairly common. It can lead to all kinds of unwanted drama if you're not honest with yourself and your partner about what you REALLY want.

As for your heavy chest, emotions, etc., well... yeah... they are difficult to control. But we all have to learn to control them to some extent. You're responsible for your emotions, not anyone else.

Very well said Mike..
I hope anonymous responds soon

[Anonymous]

Thanks Anocxu and MikeW

I have more than just one best friend, each are different and to be honest this is the first one this has happened with.

As for my partner being my best friend, he is as well.

I am sorry I cant go into much more detail without going into the depths of a life story, I guess that's the problem with seeking this type of advice, you need it from someone who knows the type of person you are

I am not the jealous kind, I'm always pushing others agenda and ideals before my own I get told off for not looking after number one a lot. So when people go on about being jealous, they couldn't be more further from the truth. I acknowledge different types of jealousy but this is more than a simple moment of jealousy, and I guess this is not just because he just got into a relationship, its been there all along, unacknowledged and denied for obvious reasons.

As for my partner, he knows of this friend, he encourages time spent with this friend as well, as he goes and does his own things as well. Time apart means when together there is even more to talk about to build bonds.

I agree with MikeW with the whole crush thing, yes I could get on with my life and hope that this is just a crush, but crushes ive felt before, I know what they are like, I think this is abit more than a crush. Because crushes don't tend to irritate you, you only see the light that you want to see that person in. There are times we have argued, there are times I have just wanted to walk away (now thinking that would of been a good idea)

The advice that has been constructive does help and I Thank you for it, And I hear what you are saying, I knew it was my own self that can control this situation as I see fit, but I am notorious for making wrong decisions and I don't want to do that with this, because the loss might be unbearable to think about. I do want to just keep things going the way they are now and that I believe we can just continue on as friends and see that maybe my relationship could change it up abit to bring abit more into it.

The ultimate thing I could do is terminate the friendship and move on, it may hurt but after a while my life would go back to normal.

As you said, the choice is mine and mine alone.

I really do mean it when I say Thank you all for advising me.

[MikeW]

Thanks Anocxu and MikeW

... I guess that's the problem with seeking this type of advice, you need it from someone who knows the type of person you are....

That's exactly right. Most of us on GS want to be supportive and helpful. But there are real limits to the forum medium. When members participate over time, we begin to get a sense of who they are as people. Even *that* is limited, but at least we have some idea. Sometimes friendships develop between members and we begin to correspond outside of the forum. Maybe email or Skype or something. In any case, some of us get to know one another. Some members actually meet one another. (I've not met anyone from GS but I have met members of other forums I've belonged to.)

I always think it is a bit odd when someone comes to the forum more or less for the first time and asks for advice on a very sensitive issue. Its something like going out into the street and asking total strangers what they think.... not quite that bad but almost. You never know what kind of response you're going to get or where the people giving it are really coming from... WTF do they know, anyway?

But, sometimes, it makes sense. There can be reasons why it isn't possible to talk to IRL friends about a 'sticky situation'. So... going to a forum with a focus such as GS, asking for advice, help, or at least perspective, makes some sense.

Still, as you're pointing out, it is very limited. We don't know you. We don't know your friend or your partner. We only know what you've said... and even that may not be the clearest picture. Sometimes we misunderstand what people mean by their words.

One thing I DO appreciate, though, is when someone such as yourself replies to OUR replies to you. So often what happens is someone comes, they ask a question, we give our replies, and we never hear from them again. It's kind of frustrating, actually. I much prefer hearing back... "ok, thanks, this 'worked' that 'didn't" etc. So, thanks for your followup.