Putting myself together again

[Confuzzled4]

Well the shit hit the fan with my best friend. I visited him for a weekend away from our hometown and had marijuana that he supplied (my first time). My feelings for him came out and he did not feel the same way about me, and I broke down and cried right there in his arms. The rest of the trip he tried to make sure there was some space between us when we were out in public. I gave him a necklace as a present when I first saw him, which he wore almost the entire time I was there. When he dropped me off at the airport to go home he did probably the worst thing to make me feel uncomfortable which was say I love you and blow a kiss at me with both his hands touching his lips and moving outward away from his mouth. When I got home, I completely shut down. This on top of my other problems, not having a real job or work experience despite having an advanced degree pushed me into the hospital. I got out today, and as soon as I got home I found out he returned the necklace I gave him as a present. I can't help but feel anger with him now, I can't return the necklace, but it seems like he just doesn't understand he keeps hurting me. When I told him why I fell for him: that he slapped my ass and made a comment and went to put his arm around me, he outright denied it ever happened. He's hurt his own relationship by cheating, which he absolutely should not be doing at this point, so I hate to say I think my friend is very selfish when it comes to his relationships. I know I have my issues, but I can't get over how fucked up I think my friend is now. I'm going to counseling and on medication now, which I desperately needed, but am I really all to blame here? Do I just love too much, do I dream too much? Can anyone make sense of this for me?

[LJay]

With time YOU will make sense of this in your way. In spite of the pain, it is better that you know about your former friend now than later. Work with the counselor and look to the future. It is hard and will not be easy but you must try. Good luck.

[Confuzzled4]

With time YOU will make sense of this in your way. In spite of the pain, it is better that you know about your former friend now than later. Work with the counselor and look to the future. It is hard and will not be easy but you must try. Good luck.

You said former friend, as it stands right now we're friends though rocky because of him sending the necklace back. Do you think we should not be friends anymore? We've been friends for 11 years now, and I feel if I get over this we can be friends still.

[Camfer]

Well, you are better off facing the reality than living the fantasy you had. This is the good part of becoming dis-illusioned, hard as it may feel right now. Breaking free of the illusion really is good.

I bet you can salvage a friendship with him. But to do so, you have to be his friend with no agenda. This might take some time before you can do that.

I don't buy the story that you fell for him because he slapped your ass, made a comment, and tried to put his arm around you. You fell for him long before that.

He's not hurting you. He's now setting clear boundaries with you that you need to respect. Painful as it is to get that necklace back, it's a clear and potent message that you need to assimilate.

What is hurting you is your misplaced desire for him. That is yours to solve, with the help of professionals. It's great you got some medical treatment. Lots to talk about with your therapist.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. If anything does not apply, please disregard it. Calling it as I see it from the limited information you provide.

Wishing you well and great insight. You can get through this.

[Confuzzled4]

Thanks Camfer, it just hurts because to me he keeps doing this push pull thing, But my friend has pointed out I'd only be hurt by him because he's a terrible cheater, he hasn't been faithful to his own girlfriend at all while away for only 2 and a half months from her (he's been with her a little over 2 years now, so he shouldn't be doing that). Seems almost like he's indifferent to the fact that I had a mental breakdown so it just hurts so much. I don't know, I just feel like crap with this on top of many other problems such as a job prospect and living at home with my mom still. I need to get better first, but this is a big obstacle for me. I was told it'd be best to not talk to him for now, and I do agree with that.

[Confuzzled4]

So it has unfortunately been a bumpy road with him the past few weeks, as hard as I've tried to forget about him. I wrote him a nice letter explaining how I wanted to get better and how I got to the point I'm in (not specifically me falling for him). He said he was supportive, but I never once heard from him asking are things ok. It bothered me, so I lashed out and we came to an understanding. I made progress and told him that I was no longer following him on facebook, and he said I should unfriend him altogether which I did after I said I want to be one here as your brother to which his answer was You will get better my brother. Well, some bad things happened and I came out of it so my response was to let him know I had a scare and thank him for saying get better my brother because that meant that things would be the same one day. He responded the next day and said things will not be the same between us. I said I just want to have you call me brother, basically to be the same friends as we were before and he said no one is psychic. It seems like he's saying one thing one day and something else the next. His last text to me was please do not respond, which I have not. I have no intentions of talking to him until I'm better, which he had said before to me to get better then reach out to him whether it be 3 months or 6 months. Is he just not aware of his flip-flopping and things will work out later? I think they will be, I've expressed to him I want us to be best friends and for him to have something more than that with his partner and for me more than that with mine. I'm hoping I just let him know too much right now and he's just tired of hearing from me.

[Jake]

I don't know the whole story but, from what you said and the behavior of your friend and yours, he's as confused as you are and doesn't know either how to deal with such emotion. The symbolic return of the necklace is without over analysing it since I am not in your friend's head, wasn't directly an indirect message to end the friendship but more that now he associate the necklace with your declaration of love and not the friendship as of when you gave it to him the first time. (As [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] indicated and I am with him on this.)

I think you need some time to sort your emotion out and also give him a little distance to digest that. When you have started a friendly relationship with someone and shared some of your stories, emotion, sadness, happiness and other thing and out of the sudden you drop a "love" bomb at him. It's also hard to process for him as much as it is for you and his defense mechanism is to take distance from you.

Let the dust particles dissipate a little, you already explained yourself to him, now fix yourself as you intended for your own good, and perhaps in the process you will come to your senses as well and he will have had time to think.

Some people may also have the feeling that you haven't been honest with them if you've been secretly loving him for a while and just drop your love like a rock on their feet. He's also emotionally challenged.

Anyhow good luck and take a break.

[kindy64]

You should try to focus on just yourself, and not try to build up any relationships you have.