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Imprisoned... Again
#1
Hey guys, it has been a while, but for many reasons I can't wrap my head around. I need your advice as my life is now in danger.

As some of you know, I have been in a relationship for 4 months now, which I don't know if it will last longer. My boyfriend is 20 years old. He left his studies after high school and is currently looking for a job. He is a cute, energetic, talented and very passionate guy.

He lives with his homophobic father and somehow supportive mother. His dad is aggressive and a vile man. 5 weeks ago, my bf called me saying he couldn't take it anymore, and he had to get out of his house quickly. His father, for the sake of a long vacation trip, had stolen a big amount of money from him which he had put apart. My bf packed up his stuff, jumped over his balcony (intact) and moved in with me. Although it was a bit fast, we had no other option to keep our lives organized. Time was not on our side.

We stayed in my apartment for 3 weeks. My landlord, who lived on the same floor, could hear us moving in and out the badly isolated apartment. In the contract I signed for rent (the rent itself is rather expensive), I realized not soon enough I had no right to let anybody else live in the apartment, and the landlord gave me two options: either my bf leaves, or we both do. Refusing to throw my lover on the cold streets and lacking time, I chose the second option. We quickly found and bought a wide caravan and moved our stuff into it (I am its official owner).

We stayed in that caravan for 9 days, things were going slowly better as to searching for a job for each of us, one for me that shouldn't interrupt my studies which are going pretty good. However, we somehow lacked sturdy financial support, but that could be solved with the help of some organisms.

But a shockwave blasted us last Sunday. My bf's sister and his 19yo nephew (her son) came to visit us, since his brother-in-law is the one who helped us move the caravan to a relatively isolated green space not far from my bf's parents' house. I started feeling something not clean. His sister then left with her husband while his nephew, who many times tried to separate us, stayed with us. 15 minutes after that, and after he told me - as usual - that my bf is using me all the time, my bf's 22yo niece (daughter of his other vile sister) came to alert us that his father knows where we are and that he wants me completely out of the equation or there would be consequences. She then told us that my bf's mother has revealed us and was in morbid panic, getting sick with her feeble nerves. She then tried to convince my bf to return home, but he refused saying he can't leave me alone. She left after 10 minutes of stress, when her vile mother came to take her and insulted me while I was taking a breath outside.

5 minutes after she left, my bf's father came straight at us. He knocked the door and shouted his name. I hid in the room with a knife in my hand. Gently, smoothly, his father criticized his new lifestyle as he spent almost all of his childhood and teen years (and until recently) in a luxury lifestyle. He also told him he's not safe living in a caravan because of the outside danger and said he can return home whenever he wants. I sensed the nerves in his father's voice and his unusual aggressiveness. His nephew convinced him to return to his parents' house, and considering his lack of choices, my bf packed up his stuff and went back home. I couldn't believe what happened.

A while after my bf left without a word, fearing his father would force himself inside and strangulate me like he threatened to, he came back to me while I was picking up a phone call. He kissed me twice, with tears in his arms, his mother getting even more sick. I was crushed deep inside, but my face remained cold, colourless.

1 hour after the separation, my bf's nephew had a quick dinner with me, I was about to vomit and I started coughing. My nervous troubles were invading me again. But my bf's sister quickly called me and told me to pack up my stuff after he son told her what happened. He also suggested I spend the night with him, in his own caravan in his parents' property, a villa with a vast garden. I took some stuff and went in their car. On the way, my bf's sister, her husband and her son told me that all along my bf has been using me, that he is selfish with everyone and has no heart. The brother-in-law suggested he will take my caravan into his ground and I can live next to them, without paying rent, and in return I cut absolutely any kind of contact with my bf.

However, I contacted and even saw my bf on Monday. He swore he was forced out and I can believe him seeing what happened overall. I know and have proof that he was about to give me back the money I lent him and even more had his father not stolen the big sum for his own profit. He begged me to find a solution for both of us to escape this infected family of his and move in together again. I told him I need some time (1 or 2 months) to recover financially and for him to find a job so we can move in together. He was hiding his face that day, and when I saw fresh scars on his arms, my PTSD flashed again and I couldn't help but try and do something about it, at least to get myself out of his sister's prison. Fearing his reactions that could go insane and damage us even more, he doesn't even know I live with his nephew.

So now I am caught between two lies. My bf's nephew is following me step by step, watching every move I make like his father asked him. Last night, he told me his father is going to beat me up, shoot me or throw me out on the street as soon as he knows I am still in contact with my bf. He also threatened he would do it himself.

All I know else is that my boyfriend loves me and I can see it in his eyes, his smile, his tears, his hugs and kisses. I may live without him, even if it is the hardest thing I would have to overcome, but I can't lose him this way, not without explanation. But for now, I need help more than he does.

Please help me... I can't stay another single day in that toxic property. I have to save my own life but I don't have many options for the moment. I even prefer living on the streets than putting my soul in danger because I fell in love with a guy who never hurt me.

Thanks... ...
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#2
Okay, first things first: do you have any family that you can get in contact with, especially any that are out of the current area?
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#3
BlueStar, this is heart wrenching, it really is. I cannot believe you are having to go through this Sad. I echo Feathers' sentiment; I guess you have felt you haven't been able to ask anyone you know for help as you have had to move into the caravan in the first place. But is there literally no-one you can ask for help? The situation sounds pretty desperate Sad.

Your bf's father is a despicable man, he deserves to be locked up for his actions. And that is a point, do you think the police could intervene? I guess you will need evidence of your bf's fathers actions, but death threats are a very serious thing. And from what you have said, this guy could probably go through with them, as deranged as he is.

I really really hope there is someone there you can reach out to Bighug
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#4
I am contacting as many people as I can, some that are able to let me sleep at their place at least for now. No answer until now. I have no family in France. Police intervention requires time and proof I don't concretely have.

Should I tell my boyfriend that I live with his sister and nephew while they say he's not welcome in their property at all? I just fear his reaction would cause a blast and hit us, he is a nervous guy too...
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#5
Ok, listen very carefully and this may come off blunt.


First thing to do is go to the police and explaine your situation, if you truly believe your life is in danger.

You say you don't have the time or proof to go to the police, but if something terrible happens, like say getting killed, you'll have no time at all...

There must be some evidence like messages or voicemails etc... Next time you are in contact with hem record it!

Your priority is yourself and forget about your boyfriend. Find yourself a studio or something cheap and as far away from that family but stay close to your work and school. Right now you have to realise only you matters. You should've never left your home for someone else. Sure if you've been together for 4 years or even two years.. But 4 months?

Anyway just take it as lesson learned. But for your own health and safety pack your backs and run and don't ever look back.

No matter what the situation was, he made you move out to a caravan and then left you to resume his luxurious life.. Nobody can force me away from my partner and definitly not some crazy ass.

Was he beaten almost to death? Was he tied up and dragged away from you? Was he lured to his fathers home somehow and got locked in the basement?

No? Then imo he is just as garbage as his father..
If it was true that his father treathened him to hurt you he should've called the police.

Cut all ties if your life is worth something, find childsupport I know you're not a child but they can help you find the correct support financially and mentally.

I truly hope you'll find the help you need and hopefully in a year or two you'd look back and think "few dodged a bullet there" maybe even litterly..

Take care and wish you well.
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#6
At what age is your boyfriend legally able to be independent?

There seems to be a great deal of pushing and pulling by the boyfriend's father, his mother's panic, the nephew, the sister... This family needs to resolve its issues by itself without you being involved. The father appears to be dangerous and the rest of the family is too tied up in crisis to be stable.

You should not be involved in family politics at all. Don't get dragged into it. It is not your business.

As I write this, I am beginning to think that the best thing for you to do is to explain to the boyfriend that if he is not a free agent and able to manage his own affairs, then you should be apart. There is simply too much toxicity here for a healthy relationship to co-exist with the family. I know it is very sad for you, but you must not let yourself, at 18, be dragged into this kind of soap opera.
I bid NO Trump!
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#7
Sadly I have no advice as even at my age, I've never experienced anything close to what you're going through. I am glad to hear you're in France, and not in your country of origin where parents murdering their children is kinda part of the culture.

I will say that I am riveted though... It amazing me how people can wake up happy one day, and fall into this kind of circus of drama.

I would suggest you both get jobs and then an apartment together, avoiding his family. Surely there are places that will let you have a "roommate" to share expenses?
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#8
Consdering what you left behind in your native country and the PTSD you suffer because of it, I wonder if this bf is healthy for you. I hate to say that, but you really don't need that in your life, do you?
Love might not be enough.
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#9
You would think that a generalized behavior like his fathers' would leave evidence of some sort. Why after all this time has HE not gone to a police station and asked for help, being in an abusive household?

It's bloody time that he does.

I'm not going to assess your relationship with him, but if you guys want to be together you will need patience. First you need to be both alive for that to happen. Ther you would need to make sure to be far way and off his father's dara wich will probably men him cutting off contact with his family cause SOMEBODY must have tipped him off of your whereabouts.

So, you two need to, for the moment care for yourselves, separately, as it seems and then try whatever else you wish.

Go to the police, there must be some form of evidence you can present. Isn't anyone able to act as witness for his verbal threats? Maybe you can bring any tape device next time you ran into him?

It's hard for me to think that someone like him can act with such impunity.

Keep trying to find an alternative place to live, although if you can't find a monetary solution you are stuck for the moment.

Focus on yourself in the most important aspects: finish your studies, try and find a way to stabilize your financial situation.

I'm afraid I can't give you more advice than that, cause this escapes my experience by a lot.

Bighug
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#10
Hey A., sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. It doesn't appear to me that you can have a mature relationship with this guy at this time in his life. Until he is independent, he is going to continue to be ruled by his family. You got perfect clarity on that when he packed up his stuff and moved back home.

You let him move in with you because you have a generous spirit and genuinely care for him. But it really was a hasty decision that did not work out well. You need a safe and stable environment for you to thrive. When your former landlord gave you the ultimatum for him to move out, your guy could have moved back home at that time rather than disrupt your stable situation.

You guys gave it a shot and the family inserted itself into *both* of your lives now instead of just his. You are not in a position to get him away from his family. In fact, you've let yourself become dependent on them as well for a place to park the caravan. Time to move that caravan.

Perhaps the sensible thing to do is to encourage your guy to play along with his family's games until such time as he can get a job, build up his finances, and get his own apartment separate from them and from you. You in the mean time should get another apartment, focus on your studies, save up more money to give you a secure base once again.

You can continue to be in touch with him secretly, but it sounds like they will surely find out one way or another and the drama will begin all over again. So let him grow up and develop his independence, just as you did from your family. You cannot be the hero here and save him. He needs to do it himself.
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