Words of wisdom

[LONDONER]

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Yogi Berra

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.
Yogi Berra

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.
Yogi Berra

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
Jackie Gleason

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?
Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.
Steve Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Tim Allen

Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot.
Edgar Bergen

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Jeff Foxworthy

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
Benny Hill

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock