College Dating / Fear of Dying Alone

[MikeW]

....Thanks again for all the responses and helping me simmer down a bit. I am less panicky about the future now, and I'll try to stay more optimistic and open this fall. It's cool to know that there is a generally compassionate and accepting community for this sort of thing.

Welcome to the forum. For the most part we try to be supportive. Like, in this case, what can we actually do (or what questions can we answer?)... that would help you feel less "panicky about the future"?

Just FYI, IRL I am a very shy person. Now that may come as a surprise to people here as online I can come across self-assured and assertive. That's not a false perception, but it is only a *partial* perception.

I'm just sharing this because I've been in three long term relationships. One with a woman and two with men (both of the men are deceased). I'm now 68 years old and very likely WILL live alone for the rest of my life. TBH, I'm not even sure I want another relationship at this point. But being shy need not be a reason to not get into a relationship. Moreover, it isn't that uncommon for young gay guys to not have dated before they get to college. VERY few are "out" in high school... so you're not alone there.

Where you MAY run into difficulty is your wanting to wait until you're married. Personally I'd never marry someone who was sexually inexperienced. That's a total "pig in a poke" scenario except you never get to poke. FOR SURE you should do things at your own pace -- and if we can help you feel more secure, we're happy to. But you may want to consider re-thinking your strategies for living a healthy happy life. Having a sex life prior to marriage doesn't mean you have to turn into a total slut. I've never been a particularly promiscuous gay man... but I certainly didn't wait until I met "Mr. Right" to do the deed.

[JJThePenguin]

Welcome to the forum. For the most part we try to be supportive. Like, in this case, what can we actually do (or what questions can we answer?)... that would help you feel less "panicky about the future"?

Just FYI, IRL I am a very shy person. Now that may come as a surprise to people here as online I can come across self-assured and assertive. That's not a false perception, but it is only a *partial* perception.

I'm just sharing this because I've been in three long term relationships. One with a woman and two with men (both of the men are deceased). I'm now 68 years old and very likely WILL live alone for the rest of my life. TBH, I'm not even sure I want another relationship at this point. But being shy need not be a reason to not get into a relationship. Moreover, it isn't that uncommon for young gay guys to not have dated before they get to college. VERY few are "out" in high school... so you're not alone there.

Where you MAY run into difficulty is your wanting to wait until you're married. Personally I'd never marry someone who was sexually inexperienced. That's a total "pig in a poke" scenario except you never get to poke. FOR SURE you should do things at your own pace -- and if we can help you feel more secure, we're happy to. But you may want to consider re-thinking your strategies for living a healthy happy life. Having a sex life prior to marriage doesn't mean you have to turn into a total slut. I've never been a particularly promiscuous gay man... but I certainly didn't wait until I met "Mr. Right" to do the deed.

When I created this thread, I thought that I was looking for answers, but I am trying to accept that many of my concerns are very situational and specific to what I will be going through myself, and I just had no clue what to expect. What I got instead of definitive answers, though, were comforting words from all the posters on this thread (I'll interpret them all as comforting, anyway). It is hard for me to handle ambiguity, but learning about others' experiences gives me hope and calms me down a bit.

I believe that I got what I needed from this thread, and your story is refreshing to say the least. Thanks for the thought you put into your response, and I take it all to heart. I am sorry about the loss you have been put through, and regardless of beliefs, please know that you have someone to pray for you and your loved ones tonight.

[Darius]

Madison is a big party city with the colleges and you could get swallowed up if not careful. You will meet lots of gay guys and many will not hold your values. You will just have to weed through them and will eventually find some nice guys to make friends with and date.

[kindy64]

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone had a similar experience or is from the area and could give me an idea of what to expect. I would like a bit of romance before too long at school, but as I see it now, it will never come. I just finally want someone in my life, and I cannot imagine being 30 or 40 without even a first kiss. (God that's cheesy.)

P.S. I am waiting until marriage to, you know, and I hope that does not affect things too much. I made this decision long ago for personal reasons and as a way to elevate the relationship before connecting in that way.

First you are a beautiful young man, so you shouldn't have any trouble attracting guys. I was never out as bisexual in high school, college, or life until 2 years ago. So, my experience with dating was with women during those years. I was almost always rejected, and the several women I dated never went very far. I finally married when I was 28, and divorced her after 21 years because the love I had wasn't enough to keep the relationship going. Now 2 years later, I'm engaged to a great guy. I wasn't even looking for love at this point in my life, let alone getting remarried, yet here I am.

Now, you will have trouble determining if the guys you attract are the right sort of guys for you. That's where clear communication is needed on your part. It is better to say "taking it slow," then saying "waiting till marriage." Expect that most guys your age are looking for hookups or regular "friends with benefits" kind of arrangements, not steady long term relationships.

I would concentrate on making friends, having fun, exploring your sexuality in safe ways (that means no drugs or heavy drinking on dates,) and finding yourself.

Also, what are you waiting till marriage to do, because there are a number of non-anal sex acts that you and a partner can enjoy. I'm assuming that's what you mean, waiting for anal sex. Hand jobs, oral, frotting. Look them up.

As far as not being outwardly gay appearing, don't sweat it. There are many types of bi/gay guys in the world. We aren't all lispy, limp-wristed, campy, effeminate creatures (to use a popular stereotype.)

Just be yourself. As I like to reply to people, U B U. Do your own thing, and you'll attract guys who are into you, not who you appear to be.

[Andxy]

JJThePenguin,

It is normal to ask such questions in this phase of your life. You have enough time to learn about yourself and other people.

If you want to find true love, it is possible to have it in the end.