College Dating / Fear of Dying Alone

[JJThePenguin]

WARNING: This is a long post!

I am going to college at UW Madison this fall, and I have no idea what dating will be like at all. I have never had a relationship of any kind, and I only have been sure of my sexuality since March. My family found out a day later, so hiding anything from them is no concern. What worries me is that because I have absolutely no experience in dating that I will die alone.

From what I know, Madison (Wisconsin) is a very densely gay city, which gives me a bit of hope, but I am very very introverted. I am not too shy to talk to people, but I never approach anyone, and I hardly ever make new friends. Going into high school, I had a bunch of friends, and I still am friends with them, but I have barely seen them the past four years. I mostly stay home every night, and the only friend I see I talk to in one of my classes for about four minutes everyday. I have only been out of the house with my friends about six times in the past year. I do not know what my friends do together without me, but I am certain that I am often left out.

Anyway, senior year is ending this week, and I am fairy certain that I will spend my summer all by myself with the fears that I have had everyday for almost three months: that I will die alone. I know that it is crazy being only 17, but people for the most part ignore my existence. I also don't know if I put out a "gay vibe" or whatever since I behave pretty non-effeminately in public, though I think my voice gives at least a little bit of an indication (not that I could tell). All of this makes me nervous that I will not be interesting or attractive to any guys and that since I am not outgoing, they will not even care enough to look at me. I don't care what people think of me because I am dying my hair purple after graduation, but I'm just so worried that I will be and stay forever single.

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone had a similar experience or is from the area and could give me an idea of what to expect. I would like a bit of romance before too long at school, but as I see it now, it will never come. I just finally want someone in my life, and I cannot imagine being 30 or 40 without even a first kiss. (God that's cheesy.)

P.S. I am waiting until marriage to, you know, and I hope that does not affect things too much. I made this decision long ago for personal reasons and as a way to elevate the relationship before connecting in that way.

[jimcrackcorn]

Finding someone to have a relationship with isn't always easy. You'll have to meet lots of gay guys, date a bunch of them, kiss a few frogs, and eventually you'll find the right person for you.

The first thing you need to do is find out where the gay guys hang out & socialize. I'd start by joining a gay/gay friendly group. Here's a link to get you started: http://host.madison.com/sports/recreatio...9bd00.html

Good luck, & best wishes
Jimerooo

[VirgoMasquerade]

"Just because there is no war doesn't mean there won't be war" - Voices in my head


You got your whole life ahead of you. You'll find many men (or girls) Some will be great and others will be a dick. Don't worry yourself its not worth the negativity, A little heads up tho.... Watch yourself now with you approaching adulthood you won't be labeled as jailbait by gay men. With you also starting college a lot of guys will wanna test what they like so if you do anything sexual with someone make sure its done safely regardless of how hot he is. Also a lot of older men make take a liking to ya that baby face can really rock a lot of men's world so remember what mommy said about taking things from people you dont know. But i wish you the best of luck my fellow class of 16 graduate

[LJay]

Maybe best to stop worrying about heavy things and to have some fun this summer. Try working on making a few friends. They may not be long term if you are getting ready to go away to school, but the experience is good and you may well stick with some.

When you get to school it is unlikely that you will be a real risk of dying alone while you are there [really] so relax and get to know more people in the right now sort of way. Being a freshman has its advantages because all the other freshmen don't know anyone either. this makes it easier to say, "Hi, how's it hangin'?" or something to that effect. Not everybody is the sort that knows loads of people, but you can find your own level and have a good time at it.

Remember that one of the best ways to make friends is to DO things together, so enjoy your college life and enjoy finding things to do. Skinny dipping in a big fountain in town might be one of them. Might be.

And while you are at it, study like all hell. It will turn out to be very handy at the end of the semester.

[TigerLover]

WARNING:
P.S. I am waiting until marriage to, you know, and I hope that does not affect things too much. I made this decision long ago for personal reasons and as a way to elevate the relationship before connecting in that way.

WHOA! That changes everything. You've limited your options to other gay men who have made that exact same decision.

Seriously take all the gay men in the US. Then subtract the guys you're not attracted to, then subtract the guys who are already taken, then subtract the guys who aren't into you, then subtract the guys who don't want to settle down,

You want to take that niche of a niche of a niche and you want to select from a tiny niche of that group as well. BONKERS!

Man i'm not saying you wont find a guy but be prepared to wait a long, long time. Try going to those Christianmingle.com type sites, I guess. Bible study groups maybe. Either way You're going to have to specifically look for those guys it's not like you're going to just bump into them and most guys you meet will expect to have a healthy sex life throughout your relationship..

[drobs]

Waiting till marriage? Good luck.

[VirgoMasquerade]

I'm not sure why you guys are dumping on him for wanting to wait. Not every gay guy is some horny ass man looking to get his cock off with every gay he meets....

[JCasey]

Okay, first of all we need to take the drama queen act down a few notches. JUst because you are shy, it does not mean you will die alone. Sheesh, talk about an overreaction.

Now, most of the suggestions about getting out, joining groups and making friends are right on point. You can't make friends cooped up in your dorm room/apartment. I know, aside from the whole being out thing, I was you in my freshman year. However, I joined the college radio station, and took theater electives. Music and theater tend to lead to LGBT friendly people with whom you can be friends. But, don't be shy... let that rainbow shine brightly. You don't have to be a campy femme, but be the best "you" you can be.

Also, in June get out there and party at your local PRIDE celebration. Some communities have multi-day events. A handsome guy like you is likely to meet lots of friends.

Okay, as for the "saving myself" bit... the others are correct, it does limit your chances of finding someone, especially at your age. You are best to tell people that you are "taking things slow" because you are new to the experience. There are some people who are not into penetrative sex, and they are typically referred to as "sides". If you venture into the world of online dating, you may want to use that term to avoid too much attention. When It comes to online services, a person with your approach to relationships will not be happy with the results from apps like Grindr, Adam4Adam, Tindr, or Scruff... You would do better with a more conservative app such as OKCupid. I use OKCupid and have answered over 1000 questions to help match me to someone. I have found some matches, but then again I am almost 50, hefty and not into daddy relationships nor one night stands, so my field is much smaller than yours.

Whatever you choose to do, just don't make the same mistakes I did.... get out there and enjoy life (safely), and have fun.

[JJThePenguin]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I was very nervous writing this since it was my first post, and I am fully aware that my mind always thinks the worst and that I can be melodramatic and negative of my circumstances. I guess I knew that my specific goals and criteria would be difficult to meet, and that doubt plus the anxiety I have been having about all this made it hard for me to deal with.

My almost complete lack of personal experience with other gay people meant that I had nothing to base my expectations on besides my fears, and it was getting to me. Being in a relationship terrifies me for sure, but starting one scares me the most. I have never so much as even flirted before, so taking that big of a step into college without any knowledge has been very stressful for me lately.

Thanks again for all the responses and helping me simmer down a bit. I am less panicky about the future now, and I'll try to stay more optimistic and open this fall. It's cool to know that there is a generally compassionate and accepting community for this sort of thing.

[questioning9]

WARNING: This is a long post!

I am going to college at UW Madison this fall, and I have no idea what dating will be like at all. I have never had a relationship of any kind, and I only have been sure of my sexuality since March. My family found out a day later, so hiding anything from them is no concern. What worries me is that because I have absolutely no experience in dating that I will die alone.

From what I know, Madison (Wisconsin) is a very densely gay city, which gives me a bit of hope, but I am very very introverted. I am not too shy to talk to people, but I never approach anyone, and I hardly ever make new friends. Going into high school, I had a bunch of friends, and I still am friends with them, but I have barely seen them the past four years. I mostly stay home every night, and the only friend I see I talk to in one of my classes for about four minutes everyday. I have only been out of the house with my friends about six times in the past year. I do not know what my friends do together without me, but I am certain that I am often left out.

Anyway, senior year is ending this week, and I am fairy certain that I will spend my summer all by myself with the fears that I have had everyday for almost three months: that I will die alone. I know that it is crazy being only 17, but people for the most part ignore my existence. I also don't know if I put out a "gay vibe" or whatever since I behave pretty non-effeminately in public, though I think my voice gives at least a little bit of an indication (not that I could tell). All of this makes me nervous that I will not be interesting or attractive to any guys and that since I am not outgoing, they will not even care enough to look at me. I don't care what people think of me because I am dying my hair purple after graduation, but I'm just so worried that I will be and stay forever single.

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone had a similar experience or is from the area and could give me an idea of what to expect. I would like a bit of romance before too long at school, but as I see it now, it will never come. I just finally want someone in my life, and I cannot imagine being 30 or 40 without even a first kiss. (God that's cheesy.)

P.S. I am waiting until marriage to, you know, and I hope that does not affect things too much. I made this decision long ago for personal reasons and as a way to elevate the relationship before connecting in that way.

I like the fact that you actually want to have sex after marriage. Not to get all religious on you, but I am sure you were probably raised in a devout christian family. Yeah, I totally agree with no premarital sex.

I used to feel the same way that you do. People ignored me or rarely even acknowledge my existence. You should definitely be more extroverted. It will help. The ones who actually ask and tell someoen about how they feel are certainly going to get what they want or maybe not. It's worth the ask.

Try doing something during the summer that will take up your time. Make it valuable. don't stay at home. It is so damn boring snice everyone else in your family is at work and your siblings are probably at work too so if you are home alone well it just sucks.

Truth be told: 99% of the friends you have met in high school will never be seen again. Maybe once in a while, but in a year or two, they will changed. I have tried to reach out to my friends on facebook and they are miles and miles away from me. Even though we went to the same high school, did the same things, participated in teh same extracurriculars and more, we are all different now and when i talkt o them, they give a different tone and voice. It's like we are from different planets now.

whatever you do, do not let other guys force you to do things you are not comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with the way another guy checks you out or anything or if he eyes you a certain way, tell him to stop. don't drink, stay safe in college, and beware of any wolves out there. recently, at my university, a 30 year old man had grabbed another male student's buttocks. He met him in the hall and tried to escape. The student tried to escape through the elevator and when he got out, he ran smack into the 30 year old who grabbed his ass. Imagine that. that's pretty scary. and the time and place was just not right for him. The student was all alone. If he were with a group of friends, i am sure the pervert would not have been able to and it would make it harder for him to do so. I am not from the midwest, but from the west coast, so i guess I can't really help you out here but i am sure that whatever advice i give you, will in teh long run, benefit you. trust me. It's worth listening to someone who is older and has experienced more than what you have. It's wisdom and music to the ears.

lastly, focus on your education and your career goals and stuff. Do not focus too much on dating. I know it is common to date in high school and colelge, but do those relationships last? 99.9% of the time they don't. One of my friends in college did his girlfriend's homework for her(which is stupid since she couldn't have done so herself) and when he dropped out, the girl was ready to leave him. See what happens? if you can't support her and you don't have the degree, she will leave you. In your case, HE might leave you.

Why are you worried about death? You're not diagnosed with some terminal illness or wahtever, right? Don't worry about dying alone. i am sure that you will find true love, dude. Just be honest with who you are, what you want from another guy, and if a relationship needs to end, you end it. Don't ever regret ending it because you feel liek the guy you are currently dating is much worse than he is or if you want him back and stuff. I never look back at those relationships. By the way, I am 20 and I have never had a relationship with a guy, so waht do I know? I was speaking hypothetically. IF i were ever in those relationships, I would leave. It's just not worth it.