Need a little help "letting go" of something

[MikeW]

Ok, this is a bit of a rant and for it to make sense I need to give you some bcak-story:

I workout at the UC Berkeley gym. It varies but currently I'm there about five days a week. Working out is very important to me. I'm not exaggerating too much when I say it is THE most fun I have on a regular basis. I look forward to going and I'm always there more or less at the same time... early morning. The reason for that is it is a very busy gym. Summer it is less so, as there are fewer students around, but during the regular school year it is insanely busy.

The locker room is huge, sort of like a maze. To give you an idea, my locker is #4145 . Most of the lockers the students use are quarter or half lockers, day use only. Mine is a full locker and I pay an extra $20 a month to rent it, and have for the past four years.

Alright, so, for the most part I don't go to the gym to socialize. I go there to workout. That's not to say I *never* interact with people, I do, but it is more the exception than the rule. That said, there are a few guys (from college age to 80+) who have permanent lockers near mine. Some are there often at the same time I am, and I've gotten to know a few of them. We're "locker neighbors" and occasionally get into in-passing conversations about one thing or another.

That said, there are OTHER men who are there often at the same time but not as close by that I NEVER speak with.

Alright so today I decided to say something to one of those men. He's there just about every day I'm there at more or less the same time but we've never said one word to one another for four years. But today I was in a good mood... I'd actually had a good conversation with one of the young body builders on the workout floor earlier so I was feeling "on"... so to say.

So this man, mid 40s I'd guess, waked by wrapped in his towel having just come from th shower and I asked him, "What is the Squash Club?" I don't know anything about this guy but i see him in the Squash Club facility a lot so I figure he must know something about it.

Well... he just ignored me. Being someone who doesn't hear well, I thought maybe he didn't hear my question so I just moved around a bit closer to him and was waiting for him to finish fiddling with his locker lock. He turned to me and said, "I want to be left alone and I don't need an audience from (something I didn't clearly hear) about (something I didn't clearly hear). !!!!

Well, I just turned around and walked away, went back to my locker and finished doing what I was doing.

Now I know damn well that whatever this man's problem was, it had nothing to do with me. He was having a bad day or WTF ever. That I'm totally clear about.

But what bothers me is this: I FIND MYSELF OBSESSING ABOUT THIS. It is very difficult for me to "let go" of a situation like this. TBH he pissed me off. He was (IMO) rude to me for no good reason (so far as I'm concerned). But the thing is, at the moment he said what he did, I din't say anything (snotty or otherwise) back to him. SO... I'm "STUCK" with this feeling of irritation at this guy.

WORSE... I know I'm going to see him almost every time I go to the gym. This sucks because TO ME, as I said, going to the gym is sort of THE most "fun" thing I do. It is a very important part of my day. The thought that I'm going to have to share the same air-space with this joker on a regular basis really has me upset.

I mean, we all have these little "annoying" encounters with strangers at times. But mostly we can just pass them off because we know we'll never run into that person again, or very rarely.

But in this instance, that's definitely not the case. I'd say nine times out of ten that I go to the gym, he's going to be there at the same time I am. The only way I can avoid that is IF I decide to totally change my workout schedule... and I sure as hell am not going to do THAT!

SO... I need some help here. This is a very minor thing on one level. Its just that I'm going to see this guy over and over.. and I know me... every time I see him I'm going to remember this slight and its going to get me pissed off all over again.

SO... how would you handle this? Specifically, what would you do to LET GO of it and move on... not just "in words" but truly, in your emotions, so when you saw this guy you went right back to feeling nothing... just as you had before?

[InbetweenDreams]

Well [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] that one does resonate with me because I have been in a situation that sort of resembles that although a bit different but I think in my case it is just the letting go aspect.

Not sure that there is a good way to handle it other than attempting to make conversation with this person again. Either he'll be more polite or he'll be a jackass again, and I get it people have their bad days but still, wasn't like you were having an interview with him either...

Time normally solves these issues but the difference here is that you are likely to see this guy quite often whereas I only run the risk of possibly running into this person at wal-mart or something on a very rare occasion. So it would seem the logical choice would be to try striking up a conversation again or cope with the anger and let time push it out of your mind. Honestly, that could take some time.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Usually when people act this way to me, I approach at a later time and ask if I did something to insult them or piss them off or something.

It opens things up to them realizing that they're acting like a jackass while I still get to be polite, and at the same thing, if there -IS- some problem I'm unaware of, it opens the door for them to air whatever it is that they're having an issue with me concerning.

Also, maybe approach when he has clothes on next time. He may be uncomfortable in the towel.

[jimcrackcorn]

It's attitude adjustment time....

Screw that SOB!!!

Sometimes it is necessary to put your guard up & activate a defense mechanism in order to deal with trashy behavior. So,,, every time you see him at the gym,,, think of him as an ill-mannered horses ass who you wouldn't associate with.

Until he apologizes, I'd think of him as trash. Unworthy of my attentions..........

Sin-cerely,
Jim

[CorsacReborn]

Sometimes its the best thing to let things go and put your energy into something else, this guy clearly has a complex hence the quote from him not wanting an audience.

If you do confront this guy or ask him why he was rude before you may just end up feeding this poor attitude of his. I would just avoid the guy and not bother again.

[TigerLover]

Try to visualize it from his perspective. Maybe he had a bad day, his boss is being a jerk or his girlfriend left him.

He's pissed off he's stressed and he just can't bring himself to converse with anyone politely. I'm sure you've been there yourself.
Nothing personal, nothing serious these things just happen.

[Borg69]

Are you mad at his reaction, or the possibility that maybe you weren't as covert as you thought you were and he knew you've been scoping him out? Granted, we know your intentions were harmless, but these days with all the predator in a bathroom stuff on tv, those straight guys get paranoid at any male to male interaction. Especially when they're buck naked.

If I were you, I'd just let it go. Don't give him the satisfaction of changing your routine or letting him squash your enjoyment of the gym. Not everyone, or every situation is a cumbahyah social event for everyone.

[Camfer]

Based on just the information presented, I'm not buying the assertion that MikeW is 100% the innocent victim and the other guy is rude. That looks like ego talking after ego's been hurt.

The guy ignored you because he didn't want to talk to you. Rather than move on, you moved in closer and got in his personal space as he was trying to get into his locker (an expectation of privacy exists when opening a lock) and get changed (an expectation of privacy and distance exists when you're changing out of a towel into your clothes.)

Then the guy clearly states his truth, that he doesn't want to talk to you and he doesn't want an audience (presumably while changing.) How is that rude? He is just stating his truth, and he has no obligation to talk to you. He didn't want you standing over him in that moment. It's simple and reasonable, and he said it clearly enough for you to understand.

You could have simply said, "Oh sorry, nevermind," as you walked away, to completely defuse the encounter, instead of walking away in stunned silence. But you were already offended by his reaction and he was already offended by your actions.

Rather than get over it, keep it as a useful lesson. Timing is everything. Meet strangers at appropriate moment when they have their clothes on. Introduce yourself before you launch into a topic. Honor people's need for space and privacy. Recognize that egos are fragile. Do not hold an expectation that strangers are obligated to speak to you just because you want to speak to them.

As for the idea to engage the guy again, I'd advise against it. He clearly stated he wanted to be left alone. Approaching him again isn't fixing the situation; it's ignoring his clear boundary that he stated.

So now, how to get over your hurt? First step is to acknowledge your part in this. Then let the guy have his truth about it. Be willing to ignore the guy without avoiding the guy. You can each be in the same space at the same time without it being weird if you each give the other space. He may have already forgotten about the whole thing.

[Insertnamehere]

Yeah, this is why I don't talk to strangers. It's just a powder keg of awkwardness waiting to explode in your face.

I find it equally disturbing when strange people decide to struck up small talk with me about anything else than asking me what time it is.

Of course, I would have given an answer, given that my mother coerced me into...I mean...taught me to be polite, but you would have totally read my uncomfortable face.

Ok, so you don't know this guy, you don't know how he was raised, what kind of life he lives, what kind of day he had. So, first thing's first, take all that into consideration and don't take it personal.

Second, have a moment of pride in yourself that you decided to casually talk with someone you don't know, cause that shit is hard. Super hard. Pat yourself on the back Mike.

Third, think pragmatically: a reply of any kind would only have worsened the situation and it would be even more difficult to share an environment with this guy under a new found animosity. You saying nothing back shouldn't be cause of shame as in "man, why didn't I think of something to say" and instead it should be "hey, I didn't reply anything, I'm a mature adult behaving as such!".

Fourth: There are other people there all of which talk to you right? So, make the best attempt at not being near the same spaces as the guy in the gym and then distract yourself with the people who do talk to you while in the lockers. A good convo makes time fly.

Eventually you won't think about it too much.

[trywait]

second what [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION] and [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] said. to quote jay-z, dirt of your shoulder. don't hold grudges. move on and focus on your gym routine. it's not like that guy is your friend or acquaintance or anything of that sort.