I cheated on my long-term boyfriend :/

[princealbertofb]

I'm very sorry that this was potentially the longest post ever in the history of the internet, but it all just kind of flowed out of me. So at the very least, it was therapeutic, I guess. I guess if anyone has advice/ideas, I'm curious about what to do, how I should be feeling, etc...

Thanks

Hardly. You haven't read much if that's what you think.

Anyway, to address your long post, it looks as if you're coming to a crossroads in your life, one where you're ready to move on from a relationship that has run its course. Your boyfriend is away for a few months and you're not a saint, just a young man with needs, sexual needs, needs for intimacy, and with that nagging doubt about your relationship with said boyfriend.

I don't know how you can break it up with him, nor whether it's advisable to do so before he comes back, and maybe time will give you an opportunity to just drift away from one another. The problem really lies in the fact that you 'live together', which means that you'd have to sort out some living arrangements, at least.

Apart from the fact that it would be decent to be honest with your boyfriend, if you suspect that he has no idea what is going on, I think it would also be good if you were honest with yourself. That seems to be happening, now that you are experimenting. Whether your boyfriend wants an open relationship or not, it seems you have already put him in a situation of 'fait accompli', meaning there's no going back on what you've already done. You didn't really give him the choice. The relationship has become open de facto because of how you've behaved.

I'm not judging, but what sort of person do you want to be in his life? Do you wish to remain friends? Could you possibly just end the relationship and separate? How much does your boyfriend actually rely on you to carry on with his life (in practical terms, and emotional terms)? There is a likelihood of him finding another love interest during his trip away, but if he's the faithful kind, he won't get involved with anyone else. Is there any chance that he's sensed your reluctance and your unrest?

It seems to me your life with the boyfriend and the student life will soon be over and you're having to face a choice that only you can make. Maybe you should really ask yourself how you'd have liked a boyfriend to behave with you if the shoe were on the other foot, and then, maybe you can implement what thoughts come out of that reflection.

We all make mistakes, but we can all learn from them. Take care of yourself, and find a way forward that will not cause undue hurt.

[princealbertofb]

Look pal you are clearly not ready to be in a serious relationship. Not many men your age are. You want to explore and you want the thrill of sex with new people. You want thrills and excitement and there's nothing wrong with that.
Your relationship may have been happy and healthy but it isn't thrilling anymore.

You really need to break this off. You're just making yourself guilty and hurting him.
You're just going to keep betraying him and betraying him because a monogamous relationship no matter how good cannot satisfy your current needs.

And fuck asking for an open relationship. Cheating on someome twice then asking for an open relationship is like throwing a brick through somones window then asking for it back. You pissed all over the original agreement and now you want him to enter into a new one just to suit your needs.

One final word. That beautiful guy you met. Do not leave your BF for him unless he agrees to an open relationship. You need to just screw around for a while don't do this to someone else.

[MENTION=22948]TigerLover[/MENTION], do we actually know what the original agreement was between them? Did they set up rules of conduct in their couple? Maybe that's where the problem lies, maybe the rules were never stated.

[princealbertofb]

Just one thing. Why is it, in this day and age, that you can't communicate through any possible means? That, to me, sounds rather absurd. Why are you not in touch at all? Has he gone to the moon? Even astronauts can communicate with their loved ones.

[jimcrackcorn]

Ah,, I remember being 19 and driving into a city at night, the lights sparkling like dimonds,, knowing that excited feeling of being able to meet some handsome fellas who would "want me". It was an exhilarating feeling which I found hard to deny.

I understand where your coming from... Right now your wanting the freedom to go out there and experience all those new and exciting places, people, night life, etc.... But your already in a committed relationship which means you shouldn't be experiencing the wild side that is normally reserved for bachelors.

So,, what can you do?

Cheat on your boyfriend,,, settle down & be monogamous,,, break up,,, work out an open relationship agreement. Lots of choices here........

When making your decision,, think of your future.. What kind of person do you want to become? How do you see your life playing out? Will you be any happier with another guy,, or being single with a string of one-night-stands?

Your making a decision that will affect the rest of your life,,, think carefully and cautiously.

Sincerely,
Jim

[meridannight]

I mean I wouldn't call it a catastrophe, but definitely a betrayal and definitely an indicator of problems in the relationship...at the least being sexual issues/tension.

I'm curious what your views are on physical cheating...not condemning them, just to be clear. I'm curious on your perspective is all.

I don't know that it is the act of having sex with another person being that bad thing, but the lies that follow. Dated someone for a couple months, earlier this year, who basically lied about everything, how they felt, after pressuring me to make commitments I felt weary about making to begin with. I think that being deceived is worse than the crime.

my perspective results from my physical disposition towards it. by that i mean, that the concept does not elicit a strong emotional reaction in me in principle. i am not a moral person by default, and i don't react strongly to abstract concepts. i draw my judgment on any particular situation by its individual details, how they affect me, or how i can relate to one party or another when it's a situation not affecting me directly, details which are different on a case to case basis.

then, i am aware of just how intense and strong a physical attraction can be between two guys. sometimes you have very little control and rationality when it's happening -- which is not to justify cheating -- but since i am aware of the intensity of it, maybe it is easier for me to understand how it happens and to forgive or let it go.

whether i see cheating as forgivable or not in my own case depends on a lot of other variables. the quality of my relationship with my partner is one of such things. if overall our relationship is good, and then he fucks up like that, i can see myself more easily looking past it than if it happened when we we're doing bad. the person he would cheat on me with would factor into it, and his relationship with my partner. if it's a temporary or a one-time thing, that's not difficult to let go of. if it is a repeated offense we're talking about a whole different dynamic there.


and yes, i see myself capable of cheating and keeping it a secret. not in the abstract, i am not out to cheat on principle. if anything i am actually interested in a more or less monogamous relationship. but i can see myself being with certain men i know, and not telling my partner if i was in a monogamous relationship right now. it's about specific actual men i feel attracted to. if something happened there between them and myself, i would find it extremely hard to resist and i probably wouldn't. monogamous relationship alone would not hold me back in that case.

so this probably strongly influences my opinion. i wouldn't want to be a hypocrite.

[InbetweenDreams]

my perspective results from my physical disposition towards it. by that i mean, that the concept does not elicit a strong emotional reaction in me in principle. i am not a moral person by default, and i don't react strongly to abstract concepts. i draw my judgment on any particular situation by its individual details, how they affect me, or how i can relate to one party or another when it's a situation not affecting me directly, details which are different on a case to case basis.

then, i am aware of just how intense and strong a physical attraction can be between two guys. sometimes you have very little control and rationality when it's happening -- which is not to justify cheating -- but since i am aware of the intensity of it, maybe it is easier for me to understand how it happens and to forgive or let it go.

whether i see cheating as forgivable or not in my own case depends on a lot of other variables. the quality of my relationship with my partner is one of such things. if overall our relationship is good, and then he fucks up like that, i can see myself more easily looking past it than if it happened when we we're doing bad. the person he would cheat on me with would factor into it, and his relationship with my partner. if it's a temporary or a one-time thing, that's not difficult to let go of. if it is a repeated offense we're talking about a whole different dynamic there.


and yes, i see myself capable of cheating and keeping it a secret. not in the abstract, i am not out to cheat on principle. if anything i am actually interested in a more or less monogamous relationship. but i can see myself being with certain men i know, and not telling my partner if i was in a monogamous relationship right now. it's about specific actual men i feel attracted to. if something happened there between them and myself, i would find it extremely hard to resist and i probably wouldn't. monogamous relationship alone would not hold me back in that case.

so this probably strongly influences my opinion. i wouldn't want to be a hypocrite.

Well I think it makes sense and well thought out. Intensity of physical attraction can run pretty deep and well you might not think you're going to do anything, never go with the intent, next thing you know you're in the back seat of the car trying to figure out how to fold the seats back while ripping each other's clothes off...

I don't think anyone wants to be a hypocrite. You can't go cheat on someone and then have a cow when it happens to you.

I can honestly say, never cheated. Usually something goes astray, usually me, in relationships...long before cheating. Although I suspect in the past I have been cheated on or perhaps they found better offers. Who knows. I try to keep from speculating as it only pisses me off and the only thing worse than being pissed off (besides being pissed on) is being pissed off for no reason.

I think it is important to try to discuss one's philosophy on things and try to be honest. Although most of the time I think people say what they want to hear and can't be objective. Then again when you're around my age, it is pretty difficult to have all the answers. We all forget we're pioneers, at 30 you'd think you would have a house, kids, settled in your career...that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Just figuring yourself out, what do you want and so on.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It really looks to me like you're not ready for a committed relationship, and I agree with [MENTION=22948]TigerLover[/MENTION]'s take on asking for an open relationship at this point.

If you want to fuck around, then get yourself single so you can do that. That way, the only person you're hurting (if anyone) is yourself.

[valkyrie4488]

I read a little, but not all. Didn't have the will to as others have said, and some of what I'm about to say other's have as well, but there just my personal opinion's and feeling's on it as well. Firstly, call me old fashioned here but I believe a relationship should be with you and your partner through thick and thin together. Any relationship has it's up's and down's as it matures, and generally you take the good time's with the bad time's together, but from what I can gather your not ready for a serious relationship. It's about both people involved, and paradise is only what you build for yourselves together. It's a subject that varies with each person. Some don't see physically being with someone else as cheating, but I tend to be one of those who see it as cheating. What you did is a betrayal in the purest sense of the word, and you sound like you'll continue to do it. Breaking someone's heart like that shouldn't be taken lightly, and I hope you don't enter into anymore serious relationship's and do this to anyone else until your ready for a mature relationship. It definitely needs to be called off. I recently entered into a relationship myself, and I fell hard for this person who is amazing and love's me as well, but I realize I'm in it for the long haul and I would never even look at another guy when I have a BF. If he ever cheated, which I don't think he would but if he did no matter how much it hurt or how much I cried I would end it. Because no one deserves that, and at that point it should end.