Boyfriend attempted suicide - how do I help him?

[sethmachine]

Suicide Attempt
I work up yesterday morning to find my boyfriend lying outside my room on the floor in the hallway. He was fully dressed with shoes on. I thought perhaps he simply passed out from exhaustion, which he's done before--he was coming home late Friday night from a 2 hour drive.

However, I tried to wake him up, as he shouldn't have been on the floor like that. I then noticed there were two knives, one under each of his arms. That's when I knew he had attempted suicide in some fashion. Thankfully he did not use the knives.

Instead, I found an empty prescription pill bottle underneath him. It appeared that he attempted to overdose on the variety of medicines he receives for his mental conditions.

I called 911 and the EMT told me it was the right call. They took him away to the ER at a local hospital and he has been there since.

Background

My boyfriend had decided to move on from our relationship about a week and a half ago. He was living with me in my apartment, so we agreed that we would keep things as they were until he left for a new home. We had been living together for almost a year, so it was a serious decision that took him a few months to make. He had been searching quite often, and I think had been very desperate to have his own place and move out. The place he found was almost an hour drive away and would have cost him a significant amount of money. For context, he comes from a poor family and didn't really have any money.

We both took our turns of crying over the break up that past week, and while I made sure to let him know that I didn't want him to go, I tried to remain supportive of his decisions, and help him out, as he had never gotten his own apartment before (lived at home and then lived with me).

This past Thursday, one of his close friends that lives about 2 hours away visited and offered him a room in his apartment. My boyfriend was happy about that, as he'd essentially be living with a good friend and also not paying much or any in rent.

He was in a good mood Friday morning when I left for work. The next time I saw him was Saturday morning when he had overdosed, and obviously something happened between Friday and Saturday to convince him to attempt suicide. He has attempted suicide in the past as well.

How do I help him now?

He is in a hospital now and has called me a few times asking me to get him checked out. The thing is that he wants me to lie to the hospital and say that I'm going to watch over him 24/7 to ensure he won't hurt himself again AND that I'll be taking him back to his family's home.

His plan was to move out Monday to his friend (2 hours away).

I am very worried for a few reasons:

1) I cannot actually protect him from himself. I failed this time, and as I don't know why he attempted suicide, what would stop him from doing it again?

2) I would be responsible if anything happened to him after I checked him out, saying that I would be with him.

3) He's going to be very far away with a friend who has good intentions but is not very mature. I'll be unable to protect/watch him obviously.

Needless to say, he was very upset when I was indecisive over the phone. Because I want to help him but I have no idea what I actually should do, if anything. He is worried the hospital will keep him for a month or longer.

Any advice also on things I should avoid asking/saying when speaking with him would be great too (to avoid triggering / blame, etc).

[VirgoMasquerade]

Just be there for him and see what he is truly dealing with. Sounds like his stressed out over money and finding happiness

[meridannight]

hospitals can't hold suicide patients for a month or even a week. (they don't even have the resources to do that). depending on jurisdiction they can keep them for a day or so max, while referring them to psychiatric counsel. so, your friend has an irrational fear about that one.

you should not lie to the hospital, but in all consequence he will be getting out of there anyway (unless he's kept on health grounds) with or without you. or another idea -- check him out on condition that he stays with you for 24 hours at least. is that too much to ask of him?

it is impossible for you to understand the reasons behind his attempt. unless he wants to open up about it voluntarily. you can be very supportive of him, but people who have lost hope and will to live aren't going to be turned around on that one alone. the fact that he took the pills instead of putting a knife to his throat might be an indication that he wasn't 100% sure (it is actually very difficult to kill oneself by drugs), or it might not.

unless he talks to you about this thing you have no way of knowing anything at all. and that's where i would start. to try to get him to talk. that is the best way you can help him. by learning what it is that causes him such anguish. go after the cause, not the symptoms.

[IanSaysHi]

First of all, thank you for being so understanding with him. What you've not mentioned here in too much detail is how the change in your relationship is affecting you and instead you are focusing more on his wellbeing which I think speaks volumes for you. If he is going through such a traumatic period in his mental health then he needs someone looking out for him. If you'd reacted to the break-up in a negative, unsupportive way and cut-off contact with him then who knows what could have happened.

As someone who's suffered from depression (not to his level, but I've been in a relationship where I pretty much ended it and abandoned my job, city and friends because of the state I was in), if you don't feel comfortable discharging him, then I wouldn't. He might hate you for it now, but you are following your heart and reason and in the long term, it's the best choice. If he is discharged in this state of flux he could make all kinds of crazy decisions. He needs to be treated and get into s more rational state of mind. The medical professionals will be best suited to getting him through this. This is going to be something that needs time to heal. Whether he's in hospital, or with a friend somewhere else,!or a brand new start, nothing can heal what he feels than time.

I just want you to know as well that again, as someone who suffered from depression - I loved my ex. However my underlying problems that I tried to hide overwhelmed me and all I wanted to do was escape. Please don't let his decision to end your relationship or how he will react to things during this period reflect on you. When someone is like this they will try all kinds of escapism, and trying to protect the ones they love from the truth, and display irrational behaviour. You just want the fear or limbo to end and will try anything to escape.

It's easy to say, but stay strong and just try to explain to him why you are making the choices you do make to him. Offer support but emphasise that you want him to get better and sometimes that might mean not doing what he wants. But if he wants that phone call at random o'clock, a hug, someone to cry to - you are there. That means a lot.

[Gideon]

I would say that it depends on where you are and what type of care the hospital has decided he needs. Lying for him isn't going to help him any if he really does need help, and if he is suicidal to the point of making attempts, then that help sounds like something that he needs very badly.

When my aunt made the attempt several years back, she was automatically committed to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation and kept until they thought she was no longer a danger to herself. Though from what the police on the scene told me after that last attempt, it wasn't her first. So different states and hospitals may have different procedures on what they can do and how long they can hold a person who's a risk to themselves.

Good luck, man. It's a huge responsibility you're carrying right now, so I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. I only hope that he gets the help he needs.

[Borg69]

...

Suicide Attempt...
...
How do I help him now?...

Unfortunately, your BF has some emotional and perhaps chemical imbalance(s) that no amount of love from either of you can magically 'fix'. If he does someday manage to succeed, it's in no way a reflection on you or your lack of abilities to help and be there for him, nor is it a reflection on him and what he would really want if he wasn't wired incorrectly.

[LJay]

You may contact your local department of mental health to see what they advise. You should not take responsibility for him at the time of discharge from the hospital. Have you contacted his family? It is a very sad and difficult situation, but unless you are a trained mental health professional all you can do is tell him that you are there for him when he needs to talk and that you continue to care for him. His own welfare is his own responsibility and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent his self harm if he decides to do so. When talking to the mental health services it may be a good idea to note emergency services numbers to all in case you need them. He needs professional help, though your friendship can mean a lot it cannot solve the problem by itself.

[Cuddly]

I hate to be that guy but... Here goes:

It's incredibly selfish of your ex to attempt suicide and to top it off, he sets up a nice littile show for you on your doorstep? What a dramaqueen. Really. Knives AND pills?
And then he wants you to 'bail him out'? So if he kills himself on your watch, are you then legally responsible? Could you face manslaughter charges? I don't know.

It's sad that he's not well and huge probs to you for wanting to take care of him.. But what a bitch?!!

[matty7]

well your helping him right now by leaving at the hospital - don't bail him out as he may still have suicidal thoughts - let the hospital asses him and prescribe any meds that may help , if your relationship is over then be their as his friend but don't let yourself get emotionally black mailed - as he already has mental conditions then he needs to get reassessed by a professional then take it from their - be there for him but don't take on the responsibility for his actions buddy

[Darius]

It is enough that you are there for him, but you cannot heal him and you cannot prevent him from killing himself. If you let yourself feel like you stand between him and death, it is going to ruin you.

Take care of yourself.