How to deal with my narcissistic partner of 17 years

[Shmgent]

I've been with my partner for the most part of 17 years. We haven't married yet but are considering it. However, I am so unhappy a lot of days. Now I can't blame this all on him but he is very narcissistic and I'm very whiny so its not been a good match lately.

Some additional information... I gave him a kidney 4 years ago since he had kidney failure. The drugs he takes for anti rejection are known to cause issues with anger. He has addressed this with his doctors but they don't want change his meds since he's been doing so good. They suggested therapy, but his reaction to that was that I need to go to therapy to learn not to piss him off. That's f'king crazy! I'll admit I whine a lot and need to work on that but man life has been so hard! Also, for the past 2 years we have had his 85 year old mom living with us and she's crazy! I'm serious she has dementia and is like a little girl that pouts and throws things.

Lastly, I'm now going through severe back problems. I have degenerative disc disease and severe sciatica down both legs. Doctors now want to do fusion of discs!

I'm really struggling here to find a positive reason to stick around besides the fact that I now really need someone with my disability. I can barely carry a small grocery bag in.

Should I go to therapy? Any suggestions on how to train myself to be less whiny? I've really always been that way but I try not to...

I'm 41, you'd think I'd have my shit together by now. The only thing I feel we both do good is making money but that doesn't buy happiness.

Another thing I'm considering is moving into one of my empty rental properties alone... But I can't live alone anymore because sometimes I need help picking things up or doing laundry, etc.

Anyway, any constructive advice would be appreciated!
Shawn

[Borg69]

So... from what you've said, are you really unhappy with HIM, or just the situation you've found yourself in? I totally get health issues getting in the way and being frustrated with them and life in general... However - 17 years? That's a long time to get to know someone. Surely you two can be there for each other and withstand a little petty bickering? I'm sure you're both frustrated with not being able to do as much, and to some extent playing the "who is worse and needs more attention" game.

You're a team. Help each other out. I'm sure each of you still has strengths and weaknesses where you can still be a team and be there for each other to the best of your abilities.

Look at the things you DO have and try not to focus on the things you can't do.

[TwisttheLeaf]

1) You BOTH should be going to therapy. Together. Then if the therapist says you both would also benefit from solo sessions, you both should do what the therapist says.

2) I'm sorry to hear about his mom. It's wonderful that you both take care of her, but is there a reason you haven't looked into either a care-giver or a care facility?

3) Re: your back. You need to look into the places that offer yoga in your area. You are specifically looking for someone that offers restorative yoga for injury recovery. This type of yoga is excellent as a form of very gentle physiotherapy for back injuries and back problems. Be sure you outline your physical issues with the instructor prior to class so that they can keep an eye on you.

Fusing can be a terrifying idea and it sounds like if they are interested in going that route, that you are popping disks? Sciatica down your legs could be a pre-cursor to beginning to lose feeling in (and control of) your legs. So, I encourage you to look into the restorative yoga, as it may help. The process can also teach your body's muscles to give your spine better support.

[AlohaShannon]

1) You BOTH should be going to therapy. Together. Then if the therapist says you both would also benefit from solo sessions, you both should do what the therapist says.

2) I'm sorry to hear about his mom. It's wonderful that you both take care of her, but is there a reason you haven't looked into either a care-giver or a care facility?

3) Re: your back. You need to look into the places that offer yoga in your area. You are specifically looking for someone that offers restorative yoga for injury recovery. This type of yoga is excellent as a form of very gentle physiotherapy for back injuries and back problems. Be sure you outline your physical issues with the instructor prior to class so that they can keep an eye on you.

Fusing can be a terrifying idea and it sounds like if they are interested in going that route, that you are popping disks? Sciatica down your legs could be a pre-cursor to beginning to lose feeling in (and control of) your legs. So, I encourage you to look into the restorative yoga, as it may help. The process can also teach your body's muscles to give your spine better support.

Absolutely everything to what Twist said!

He may be narcissistic (which is INCREDIBLY difficult to treat in therapy) but given the fact that you have been together for 17 years means that it is very likely that you both have fallen into a sort of rut that takes for granted the things you love about each other. Watch any movie on TV about a couple that's been together for over a decade and you'll see how easy it is to get into that position. Counseling for both together as well as individual counseling could be just the "tune up" that you both need to find your spark again.

As for the yoga that Twist mentioned, some studios call it restorative, others call it yin yoga, and some call it soft flow. It's typically done from a seated or laying down position and holds easy poses for 3-5 minutes. DEFINITELY look into it. It is absolutely the most enjoyable form of yoga that I've taken!

Lastly, you mentioned that you both make lots of money...finding some form of care for his mother shouldn't be a problem. You can even hire someone to provide in-home care for her.

Best of luck and I look forward to an update!!!

~Shannon

[Beaux]

Ok. I'm going to tell you what you probably already know: Narcissism is considered one of the least treatable mental conditions.

People who have never known a genuine narcissist will never fully understand what you go through living with one.

I made the mistake of marrying mine. The incident I am about to relate started 3 days ago. Back ground: I was in my junior year of college when my narc came back into my life after 9 years of separation. His lover had died and he ~claimed~ that the experience had changed him in a fundamental level. After dating 7 months, he proposed and asked me to move away with him. He said he would support me during my last year of college. That was 5 years ago....still having gone back to college, because he kept coming up with excuses why he couldn't afford it "yet".

3 days ago, he got and accepted a job offer for $40,000 more per year. I said, "Oh, that's awesome! I can finally finish college." A few hours later, he came up to me and started screaming, "You are nothing but a leach! You only make $9 an hour! You are worthless! Don't think for a minute that I am going to let you go back to college unless you start making over $30,000 a year! I won't let you finish college until you contribute more to this relationship!"

It all boils down to one thing--he never finished college, so he doesn't wasn't me to. I let him finish his temper tantrum (took 2 days of me locking myself into another room every time he would start to shout), then yesterday I told him that I WAS finishing college and that if he didn't pay for it I would take it to Family Court and let a Judge decide what I was entitled to after 5 years with him. Today, he acts like nothing ever happened.

I cannot tell you what to do, but take it from someone who knows-- it will NEVER get better and it will ALWAYS be your fault (in his eyes).

Best Wishes,
~Beaux