Please help!!

[Jd95]

Hi,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read/ reply.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years. I'm 21 and he's 30. That is sometimes hard for people to swallow, but at the time I was very mature for my age and whilst mature, he has a fun side which made us completely compatible. He's the first relationship i've ever been in, and I love him with all my heart. There isn't anyone on this earth I would rather be with!

When we first met we took it slow, we both wanted the same thing (a relationship rather than a fling) so we went on about 4 dates before we did anything. Then, we were at it like rabbits. On our first night we had sex 7 times. But obviously as the years went past this slowed down, which can be expected. Given my age I could still have sex 5 times a day but his sex drive has now slowed to a grinding halt. We go weeks without sex or even foreplay.

When chilling, he's either watching tv or on his phone (he's addicted to instagram) which is fine, but if I ask for a kiss he groans and huffs like i've just asked him to run a marathon!! If I ask for a hug I get a quick 5 second hug then i'm told to get off him. We still hold hands though.

I like giving him massages and cooking him food so I spend the best part of the weekend doing that.

He has a tumblr blog which he uses to watch porn, but recently i've found put he's wanking almost every day during the week (i only see him at weekends). I almost feel like he avoids sex with me so he can wank over random guys on tumblr when he gets home on Sunday. I know he's not cheating - he despises people that cheat, and I trust him completely! I try everything that used to work to initiate sex but he completely dismisses me. He's put on a bit of weight and I know that plays on his mind, but when we do have sex it's not an issue. However on about 4 or 5 occassions he has told me he's no longer in the mood.

I don't know what to do! I'm stuck. I've tried talking through it with him, he seems to understand where i'm coming from, then 1 week later forgets the conversation ever happened. I love him unconditionally and I don't know if once every 3 weeks is normal? Should I settle for that? Is he bored of having sex with me?

This is absolutely breaking my heart. He's my first love, i've put so much in to this relationship and i've tried everything I can think of. I don't want sex with anyone else - when I wank it's over him (98% of the time). I omly fantasize over him. He is still the most attractive man to me. There's just no intimacy in our relationship whatsoever!

J

[seeking]

When you said you have talked to him about this issue, does it mean you have also asked him why is he behaving like that? Knowing the exact reasons behind could be a solution. Because from reading your post, it seems like he only knows about your needs but he didn't talk about why is he being like that.

[Jd95]

He's mentioned in the past that it's because he's put on a few pounds. I've told him it doesn't affect the way I feel about him, i've reassured him that he still has a great body. So this could be one of the reasons. Unfortunately though he's too lazy to do anything about it, since my reassurances don't have any effect.

Another possible reason could be that he's said in the past he puts it down to the fact we're 5 years in. He expects this decline in sex. It's almost as if he thinks because other people's relationships slow down in terms of sex, that ours should too. It's like he wants to conform.

He's quite a lazy person in nature. When he gets in from work he just sits on his phone or watches tv.

We used to have an unspoken agreement that saturday/sunday mornings were when we had sex. He wakes up before me so he would typically wake me up by grabbing me, which was exciting. When i wake up nowadays, I am usually greeted by his back because he's facing the wall on his phone flicking through instagram. I then get a reluctant 'morning' groan.

It could be me. I know that as time's passed and the sex has slowed down and my needs are no longer being met, I do try to initiate quite often, using 'tactics' that used to work. He now says he gets put off if i'm 'trying too hard'. The other day he even just told me to go and have a wank in the shower because I wouldn't leave him alone. I suppose i do this because I miss it and i'm worried it won't ever happen if one of us doesn't make the effort?

The odd thing is that during the week he is the perfect boyfriend. On the phone or by text he's constantly talking to me, askig me how my day's going, telling me he loves me....

J

[meridannight]

I wouldn't qualify once in 3 weeks as normal.

But if you've already had this conversation with him and it hasn't gotten through to him that this is serious, then what will get it through to him? Not desiring sex is one thing quite apart from other types of physical intimacy. I'm not always in the mood to have sex with my partner but I usually at least get him off in that case, and it doesn't stop me from being physically affectionate (i.e. hugging, touching, etc).

Maybe it is something temporary, maybe he's going through some thing. But he should be able to communicate that to you. I don't know, keep asking? Keep bringing the subject up till you get through to him?

[Samika]

Be with an older guy is very tough, but maybe is the distance, you only see him the weekends, so, maybe he is watching porn to try to self-indulge?
Anyway, the most important here is that you also show him that the age is only a number and ask him directly what is happening between you.
Good luck!

[kindy64]

Could be a lot of things inhibiting his sexual desire. He should talk to his doctor to rule anything physical out. If you are not getting through to him by yourself, couples therapy might be a solution.

[CorsacReborn]

Its quite clear that you and your partner have differing levels of sex drive, despite what may have happened at the beginning of the relationship. There are many relationships out there which can go without sex for months at a time and the people there are still happily together.

You say you have spoken to your partner and he sees where you're coming from and then he goes back to doing what he's been doing before. What have you done to see where your partner is coming from? You sound very much about the issue is about you when it could be as clear as your partner not needing to have sex as much as you.

I think you're being unfair on your partner and have painted him as being the issue here, you've picked out things that you feel are faults with him and then you're "heart broken" because of the lack of sex. Is sex that much of a validating factor in the relationship that you require it so much? Being intimate is not the only way that you can show your partner that you love him, however you're giving him the message that this is the case and you could even be pushing him away by acting like this.

I'm sorry JD95, but you're coming off all "me me me" when the only issue may be is that you're wanting more regular sex when your partner may not need need it. You've thrown your own emotions on the table but you haven't looked for his or what he wants from the relationship. You need to speak with your partner about what he wants and listen to him, make this a 2 way conversation rather then speak at him about your own feelings.

Could be a lot of things inhibiting his sexual desire. He should talk to his doctor to rule anything physical out. If you are not getting through to him by yourself, couples therapy might be a solution.

Not to shoot down your input in this subject, I really don't like it when the doctors or couples counselling is suggested for matters that potentially are just part of the natural flow for a person.

[Darius]

This might sound terrible, but since you were 16 when you guys got together, maybe you are too old for him now. Have you noticed what kind of guys he jacks off to? Are they all quite young>

[meridannight]

This might sound terrible, but since you were 16 when you guys got together, maybe you are too old for him now. Have you noticed what kind of guys he jacks off to? Are they all quite young>

I didn't think of this, but it actually could explain things well. Unfortunately.

[Beaux]

This might sound terrible, but since you were 16 when you guys got together, maybe you are too old for him now. Have you noticed what kind of guys he jacks off to? Are they all quite young>

My thoughts exactly! Maybe you are no longer "twink" enough for him...?
~Beaux