Is it okay to NEVER come out?

[MisterLonely]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I made my decision of never coming out. Yup, never ever ever. The process of directly coming out is just too awkward for me. Plus, when I find that boyfriend of mine in the future, I will be keeping him a big secret so that no one knows we're dating besides maybe a few close friends that I actually trust. My plan was to move out with my future boyfriend, settle in an affordable apartment just for the two of us, and live a happy life together. But when people (especially my family) see us together, I'll just tell them that we're friends from college. It's not like they could ever know, right?!! In other words, I will be living in disguise as a straight guy, but when I pull off the mask I'm actually gay.

Anyways, my siblings already suspects me of being gay but don't seem to mind much at all, but my parents are super conservative and would go crazy if they ever find out about me being gay. As a matter of fact, they still have the old fashion thinking that love should only be between a man and a woman, which I obviously disagree. This is why I'm never coming out. I don't want to disappoint my parents for having a gay son. What's the point of coming out if all I'm gonna get is disapproval? Yeah, there's no point at all.

Might as well just live in secrecy, and I don't mind secrecy.

[Shawn]

I think exactly the same as you, because my situation is literally the same haha.

[knickerbuck]

no one wants to get hurt or feel ashamed, that is why i kinda understand why you are trying so hard to hide that soft spot of yours .. it's your life anyway .. live it the way you want it to ..no one can dictate your life for you but you ..

[MisterMagoo]

Just thinking out loud, but wouldn't it eventually be harder to hide, than not?

What with Facebook, a future partners friends and family possibly knowing, etc?

I never 'come out' but my Dad walked in on me and my friend doing naked thing when we were 15.... it didn't go down (so to speak) to well, and it was a few weeks of hell... mind you Dad finding out the way he did couldn't of helped, but eventually everything worked out fine.
Dad never liked the idea, but we just never spoke about it!

Even now, I don't tell people I'm gay, why should I?
It's my business, there's no need to broadcast it is there?

[princealbertofb]

It is okay to NEVER come out, [MENTION=23932]MisterLonely[/MENTION], just as it is okay to remain forever lonely.... People will never completely understand you, nor will you be happy (long term) just not being yourself. You have to be very strong inside not to succumb to depression. This feeling could be wearing at you for years and years, but it doesn't mean that you won't get by. My advice would really be not to do this to yourself unless it's a question of life and death, and if you think you can, ultimately, manage to keep your very own secret. But then you might also have to remain single and a 'virgin' all your life. Once you've started a relationship with someone, there's no guarantee that they won't out you (even without wanting to).

[princealbertofb]

I think exactly the same as you, because my situation is literally the same haha.

Remind us of your situation, [MENTION=23908]Shawn[/MENTION], and why you think you need to keep it a secret?

[princealbertofb]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I made my decision of never coming out. Yup, never ever ever. The process of directly coming out is just too awkward for me. Plus, when I find that boyfriend of mine in the future, I will be keeping him a big secret so that no one knows we're dating besides maybe a few close friends that I actually trust. My plan was to move out with my future boyfriend, settle in an affordable apartment just for the two of us, and live a happy life together. But when people (especially my family) see us together, I'll just tell them that we're friends from college. It's not like they could ever know, right?!! In other words, I will be living in disguise as a straight guy, but when I pull off the mask I'm actually gay.

Anyways, my siblings already suspects me of being gay but don't seem to mind much at all, but my parents are super conservative and would go crazy if they ever find out about me being gay. As a matter of fact, they still have the old fashion thinking that love should only be between a man and a woman, which I obviously disagree. This is why I'm never coming out. I don't want to disappoint my parents for having a gay son. What's the point of coming out if all I'm gonna get is disapproval? Yeah, there's no point at all.

Might as well just live in secrecy, and I don't mind secrecy.

@MisterLonely, hello and to GaySpeak. I think for the moment you feel safest keeping your sexual orientation a secret and that's fine. I hope that by staying a little while with us here, you will come to a better understanding of yourself, of your situation and of your fears to come out, and at least you can voice your anxieties and dreams here. You won't be judged.
But may I suggest, Mister Lonely, that you did not make yourself gay... Your parents made you the way you are, for one thing. Do you think they would reject you if you'd turned out to be a girl instead of a boy? Or that they would have rejected you if they'd realised that you had a particular condition, like some of the diseases that some people are born with?
The second thing is, it's all very well to think that you're going to be able to keep your life with your future boyfriend a secret. What if HE does not want to keep it a secret? What if he WANTS the world to know you are his boyfriend and that you are both HAPPY together?

I think your mind might change over the years. I hope you find that happiness you deserve.

[bryyzy]

If it causes too much grief than what its worth. Then its fine not to come out, you shouldn't be bothered or harassed or forced into coming out and if you don't want too why should you. Some things are best kept secret and if it works for you. Then why change

[Jason111]

Living together with your boyfriend will make things very hard to hide, you know. Those few friends of trust will probably have their own few friends of trust and after all, you'd be socializing and people would figure out you're a couple. So, it can't be really said you're in closet.

But when it comes to your family or staying in closet in general - completely okay. It's your life.

[TigerLover]

This is an odd question, it's like asking "is it ok to shoot myself in the foot" well yeah sure it's ok since it's your foot and your gun. I'm not going to judge you or call you a coward because potentially losing your parents must be a terrifying thing.

But I don't think you should do it, in fact I don't think you've thought this through at all. This is pretty obviously going to backfire horribly.

You're limiting the number of guys you can settle down with to those willing to live in the closet. Which is a small portion of gay community now and it's only going to shrink over time.

The man you fall in love with might want to come out of the closet sometime leaving you with a very painful dilemma.

Your parents are going to wonder why you aren't bringing home any girls to see them. Requiring a complex web of lies to build between you and your parents that is going to damage your relationship and is probably going to unravel at some point anyway.

You wont be able to adopt or have surrogate kids if you or your partner wants them.

If something happens like your boyfriend cheating on you or god-forbid dying. You're not going to be able to talk to your parents or anyone but those closest friends. Hell you might not even be able to attend his funeral or visit him in hospital.

The longer you wait to come out of the closet the more betrayed people are going to feel when you do come out or get caught.

As time goes on and wider society gets more accepting it's going to get harder and harder to justify being in the closet. Frankly you're going to look and feel like a complete nutter if it's 2050 and you're still in the closet.

Depending on how long your parents live you're looking at 50 years of lying to almost everyone you know. That's gonna wear you down man. Sure you don't mind living in secrecy now wait til you've had a few years of it and you've got a boyfriend to hide.

This is a mistake man, by all means stay in the closet for a few years build a life first but you really need to be open.