Is it okay to NEVER come out?

[Darius]

You have to remember that if you plan to have a bf, he will need to be on the same page, willing to be closeted all his life, too. Besides, when you are 40 or 50, do you really think people will believe you are just friends from college?
You don't have to tell people you are gay for them to figure it out. In the end, you are only deceiving yourself. Even your old mom and dad will eventually figure it out, unless they are into self delusion, too.

[princealbertofb]

You have to remember that if you plan to have a bf, he will need to be on the same page, willing to be closeted all his life, too. Besides, when you are 40 or 50, do you really think people will believe you are just friends from college?
You don't have to tell people you are gay for them to figure it out. In the end, you are only deceiving yourself. Even your old mom and dad will eventually figure it out, unless they are into self delusion, too.

You're probably right, but anything is possible. Some religions don't even believe that there is such a thing as homosexuality. It's easy to be deceived.

[Cheet0V90]

But what happens when you are found out by your family, or your friends, some of whom may already know and they just don't want to be awkward themselves to bring it up..? Personally I think you are better to just get it over with, amd if they don't/won't accept you for you, then that is their loss...

[meridannight]

Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but living a life of disguise and lies is not what can be classified as a ''happy life''. It won't be happy. You'll live dominated by this fear that you have of being found out and that by definition can never be healthy. You will never be happy if your life is not authentic.

If you happen to find a partner who'll go along with such extensive lying and play-acting, he'll necessarily be as unhealthy as you are, so chances of pulling happiness out of that mess are slim.

You're still young at 23, and things are not quite what they seem, life does not turn out quite how you think it will. Your priorities will change along the way, and you'll keep developing and getting new experience. But it's true that some people don't make the right choices where it counts, and by the time they realize it, it might already be too late to do anything about it.

I'm not even saying that you should tell your parents. That's not the case. It's none of their business, is my opinion. But as a grown man your purpose is to live independent of your parents' authority. They will have to stop dictating (directly and indirectly) how you live your life. You have to make this life your own. What you're suggesting means exactly the opposite, succumbing to fear and betraying who you are. You can try it, and you can delude yourself that it's fine, but you'll end up miserable if you go that way.

[meridannight]

You're limiting the number of guys you can settle down with to those willing to live in the closet. Which is a small portion of gay community now and it's only going to shrink over time.

The man you fall in love with might want to come out of the closet sometime leaving you with a very painful dilemma.

Your parents are going to wonder why you aren't bringing home any girls to see them. Requiring a complex web of lies to build between you and your parents that is going to damage your relationship and is probably going to unravel at some point anyway.

There are a lot of holes in his dream plan. He has not thought it through at all.

a. He thinks he can just move away and live with his friend-boyfriend and pass that off to his parents as a sterile non-sexual relationship? His parents are not that stupid. Unless he marries and has kids his parents will figure it out that he's a homosexual. It's a very simple clear-cut math. I'm not even going to get into how deeply unhealthy it would be for him to find some pretend-girlfriend on the side to soothe his parents' suspicions.

b. He is under the impression that there is this guy out there that he'll meet and move in with, who will be happy to pretend along and lie to people. More likely he'll have sex with a bunch of guys, none of whom will agree to live in the closet with him, relationships won't work out and sex on its own will be less and less satisfactory in the long-term perspective.


It's abstract scenario all the way through to its core.

Why anybody would want to do that to themselves willingly is incomprehensible. Men weren't living in the closet already in the Middle Ages, mind you. Some men got married (with the catholic church) with other men back then, or just lived together and made their lives like that. Now, in the 21st century, how some men still don't have the balls to be true to themselves where it counts, is unbelievable to me.

[Cridders88]

Agreed with the replies here. Yes, it's ok if that's the path you want to go down in your life. But, trust me, it will be a very difficult and unfulfilling life. I used to think I would never come out. As the years went on, it became more and more difficult keeping that part of me inside, hidden away. I then realised, if I wanted to be truly happy, or ever stand a chance of having a healthy and happy relationship with a man, that I would NEVER be able to do that from the closet.

At the end of the day, it is your life. At the risk of sounding cliche, you only get one shot. You are at the age where you can become independent from your parents. Is it really worth sacrificing any chance of true happiness just to keep them happy with a version of you that isn't really you? IMO, the answer is no.

This story mirrors the story of a good friend of mine. A couple years ago, he was saying exactly the same as you [MENTION=23932]MisterLonely[/MENTION]. Now, he is out and happy. Living his life authentically. He got met with some homophobia from his "friends" and lost a few people along the way, but the change in him is quite simply amazing.

[Insertnamehere]

You may decide to do as you please, if you're willing to deal with the consequences of your decisions.

I've made a similar choice and won't bother with the family or anyone else where I am at the moment. That has to do a lot with the non-existent emotional attachment with my family, the lack of friends and the overall feeling that too much time has passed in my life to pull that off now and get out of that unharmed.

That doesn't secure me, however, that they won't find out, but my aim here is to simply avoid the topic all together. If I manage that, I'm content.

The consequences of me choosing such a path are clear: I either go underground, get on a double life of sorts or I face loneliness. Considering the first 2 don't appeal to me, I'm facing the later consequence. It's hard, it's not particularly fun and it starts taking a slow but neverstopping toll on you.

It seems that you are choosing the first. It will be equally hard, but that's on you to develop mechanisms to make it work.

Of course, I don't plan on staying like this for very long. I intend to remove myself from this environment and the plan is on the motion. Question is, do you have a long term plan in order to make this kind of life endurable? If not, you'll be in for a rough patch.

But, I ain't going to say do this or that. Guys that are already out find it very easy to say "just do it" for x, y and z reasons. Guys like me, in a similar situation, can understand all too well why you would choose that, but ultimately we can't provide much better advice (let's face it, guys that are out often have that down well).

So, to simply put it, I'll go back to what I first said: Make a decision but measure the consequences involved very carefully.

[BlueStar]

I really hope you are just having a passing thought claiming you will live the rest of your life hiding. But if you really end up hiding, it won't be at my watch. I am not going to enter every single detail of your story. If you're not real, not yourself, you'll never be happy. I guess after all I've been through restlessly and in a short amount of time compared to decades of living, I am absolutely standing for the fact that anything should be sacrificed for freedom, even what or who we think are the dearest and closest to our hearts.

Think twice. I am asking you as someone who could be your best friend in real life. Nothing is more precious than freedom, being yourself, and living your life being yourself, real. Being shy and reserved doesn't mean nor justify your thought about spending the rest of your life in the closet.

[Jason111]

There are a lot of holes in his dream plan. He has not thought it through at all.

a. He thinks he can just move away and live with his friend-boyfriend and pass that off to his parents as a sterile non-sexual relationship? His parents are not that stupid. Unless he marries and has kids his parents will figure it out that he's a homosexual. It's a very simple clear-cut math. I'm not even going to get into how deeply unhealthy it would be for him to find some pretend-girlfriend on the side to soothe his parents' suspicions.

b. He is under the impression that there is this guy out there that he'll meet and move in with, who will be happy to pretend along and lie to people. More likely he'll have sex with a bunch of guys, none of whom will agree to live in the closet with him, relationships won't work out and sex on its own will be less and less satisfactory in the long-term perspective.


It's abstract scenario all the way through to its core.

Why anybody would want to do that to themselves willingly is incomprehensible. Men weren't living in the closet already in the Middle Ages, mind you. Some men got married (with the catholic church) with other men back then, or just lived together and made their lives like that. Now, in the 21st century, how some men still don't have the balls to be true to themselves where it counts, is unbelievable to me.

While I agree with almost everything said here, I think you're a bit too harsh.

[knickerbuck]

it's your life but .. all the best to you .. !! ..