What would you do?

[Sevendust324]

Okay...I have a situation. But first let me explain my past relationship of 4 years briefly: I fell in love with a closeted man, who was still having relations with women, and wasn't able to accept his orientation. When we got more serious, he told me he ultimately wanted to be married to a woman and have children with her. I found that out about the 3 year mark, and it went downhill after that. He wanted the now and I wanted the later, and it ended pretty bad.

So now...after spending 1.5 years of healing from that relationship, I meet this new guy. I really had no intention of finding a guy, but it sort of just happened. We connected instantly, starting hanging out a lot, and now we are at the point of feelings being developed. Here's the catch: I asked him right off the bat if he was in a relationship with a girl who always called him when we were together, and he said no. About 2 weeks later, he finally confessed that they were actually texting "I love you" to each other. I told him if he wanted anything with me, he had to end that. So he did. 2nd catch: he's in the closet. So now we are at the point of feelings, and I asked him yesterday if he would be open to something long term with a man. He said he didn't know, and that there is a lot of issues about that he is trying to deal with and would open up to me more about.

Anyway...seems like a no brainer right? Give up on this dude. But he's really amazing, and he balances me out, and I'm not just "madly" in love with him (that was my first ex). Would you continue to build feelings for this person knowing they are still battling their sexual orientation? All I want to do is care for him and help him in anyway possible, but I can't let my heart get wasted like it did before.

Thanks for reading.

[TwisttheLeaf]

No. I wouldn't. Men battling their orientation and determined to stay in the closet are NOT potential for a good relationship.

In your shoes, Iwould move on and find someone NOT in the closet to date and fall for.

[InbetweenDreams]

I fell in love with a closeted man....

I really hate to agree but that is and will be the problem. He might be an awesome guy and all these things but if he is working on his sexual orientation you're probably going to end up heartbroken before he gets that sorted out.

I would refrain from anything romantic or sexual with this guy. If you think you can handle being friends only and wait and see what he does, that's up to you. Your best bet is to keep looking, there are plenty of good guys out there, yeah I know finding them will be difficult but hang in there and don't get hung up on someone who is going to hurt you or cause you grief.

[bryyzy]

I will have to agree. Being with someone closeted isnt a good thing because a relationship isnt something that should be kept secret and the person you are with being closeted, will put an undue strain on everything and you will be more a dirty secret than a boyfriend. Cut your losses and find someone that is comfortable with their sexuality.

[Gemini]

I just walked away from a closeted guy. I posted about it and got some great support -


The bottom line for me was when people asked me, Would you be willing to have a hidden relationship with him? Never being knownas his partner to friends and family? Basically, being his dirty little secret?

If you look at my post, in particular look at what [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] posted. It's a sad story.

IDK man, up to you, but I don't think it's worth it.

[Darius]

If you hadn't already developed serious feelings for him, I would have said you could hang in there for a little while and see if he comes around, but knowing what you said indicates you are only likely to be hurt if you do that.

[Gemini]

I just walked away from a closeted guy. I posted about it and got some great support -


The bottom line for me was when people asked me, Would you be willing to have a hidden relationship with him? Never being knownas his partner to friends and family? Basically, being his dirty little secret?

If you look at my post, in particular look at what [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] posted. It's a sad story.

IDK man, up to you, but I don't think it's worth it.

I tried to post the link but it didn't work. The post was, Relationship WITH a Closeted Guy

[Camfer]

Short answer, no, I wouldn't. And I'm really glad you asked.

Are you not seeing the pattern here? Do you really think this new guy loves you? How is it that you are able to continue to see a guy who's texting someone else "I love you" right next to you and hiding it from you? Why are you hoping to help others when in fact you have an opportunity to work on yourself first?

Maybe your energy is better spent on understanding why you choose the kind of guys you do, and what you get out of being the guy who thinks he's "helping guys with their sexual orientation."

There's a type of guy who gets his own self worth from being the prince charming and rescuing the "damsel in distress." Not saying this is you, but it bears investigation.

My advice is to look not only at the situation you are in now, but also the patterns you seem to be developing.

Wishing you much insight.

[East]

He has shown you who he is....

Believe him....

Would you be able to respect a man in a relationship if he was in the closet?

When I met my husband..he was 21...he is 51 now. He was in the closet and I told him that he needed not to be if he wanted to be with me. I meant it. That day....he told his mom and sister....and they begged him not to tell his dad because it would kill him.

I told him how manipulative that was..and if it killed him..he deserved to die. I also asked him how many of those mind games his mom and sister put on him....turns out..it was a pattern that always worked..until I came along....

He told his dad...he didn't die.

...and do look at the pattern here....so you don't repeat it.

[Gemini]

Just thinking of a gay married couple I know. When they met, one of them was out and the other was closeted. But the closeted guy never faltered - he came out.

I've heard him say, many times, about his partner - "I won't disrespect him by denying him."

I think that kind of says it all.