identity

[mightyd]

hey, i'm a gay male and a 1st year university student. And i just wanted thoughts on some issues which were triggered the other day. When i was like hanging around the bus stop the other day, there were ppl who basically said that being gay was practically the same as peodaphilia, which i know is completely stupid - but it was slightly upsetting to think that there are some people who think in such a homophobic way. Well - anyway, despite this, i started to question the way i see myself as a gay, and my identity. I mean - i know that being gay is completely normal, and i came out of the closet right before univeristiy where i truly felt i was normal. And everything has been so fast paced since i came to uni, that i never actually clarified to myself what my identity was, and there are still times when i sometimes feel abnormal, like at home because my sisters are somewhat slightly homophobic and i dont know when i will tell them i am gay... I was just wandering like how others have like discovered who they were since coming out of the closet, and how you avoid taking any notice of homophobic comments...

[SPLuna]

Coming out of the closet can be a very personal experience, and it can often be freighting but after you do its also liberating, that is not to say that its going to be easy.

As for me I always knew I was gay there was never a doubt in my mind since I was the age of 7 I knew, well not as far as labeling myself but I knew that liking my best friend at the age was not like all the other boys. It not until 6th year of schooling that I heard all the other boys just use the word "fag" everywhere including myself only to realize that "oh wait a minute" that what "I am" not so much a "Fag" but gay, and that how I discovered how I was gay.

As far as avoiding homophobic comments I don't I take notice of what people around me think of homosexuals but I do make it a point not to take it to heart, because doing so will only hurt you.

At least for me I have found out that personally what feel about 33% of people use the word "gay" "Fag" and they dont mean it because when you comfort them they usually say no well I didn't mean it like that, especially here in the US "that's so gay" is often used with correlation meaning "that so dumb" and 33% are really nice and respect our lifestyle and views.

The thing to remember is that you will always encouter hate wherever you go. That shouldn't make you feel odd or as if your strange, because your not, how can liking someone be so wrong. It simple is not.


Finally there is no true method of discovering yourself no true method of dealing with these issues, one must discover them on their own and find your special way of dealin with them.

I hope that you don't continue to feel as if you are strange.

[SPLuna]

well i wrote a pretty long post but it was flagged as spam and I am unsure why maybe due to its length.

My general advice came down to this

Only you can discover who you are, and only you can learn to deal with these issue because there is no true way. As for me I take notice of all the gay comments some good some bad, but the thing is not to let it bring you down, no matter where you go, there will always be someone that disagrees with you lifestyle. I just hope that you stop feeling abnormal, the right time will come when to tell your family its not a race, but don't always hide it either. This is who you are, and they will learn to respect that.

Remember only you can decide the best course of action, just follow your heart and if you feel your heart is misleading, there is always someone to talk to.

[fredv3b]

how you avoid taking any notice of homophobic comments...

When I succeed in that I'll let you know how.

[marshlander]

Hello, mightyd, and welcome. York, eh? Lovely place.

You'll read here many times that the coming out process is one that goes on throughout life, unless you choose not to disclose at all. Sorry to hear that your sisters are not comfortable with gay people. It's about time they stepped into the 21st century. How old are they? Many loved ones in families stop their homophobic banter when they realise there is a gay person in the brood. The longer you don't discuss how their behaviour makes you feel the less time you are giving them to love their gay brother. Of course it is up to you and you must decide if or when you do it.

As for the people at the bus stop I think it is a tough call. I hope I never stop noticing homophobic comments, but I always think about which battles I'll pitch into. My work often takes me into schools where I will always challenge anyone who makes an inappropriate remark. Maybe it's because I am a visitor to the school that I have only had to say anything once during a workshop.

[mightyd]

Thanks for all the advice... I think my sisters would eventually come around to the idea, but i'm just not sure when i would tell them... its difficult... And parents can never know otherwise i would be disowned (110% sure of this!)... I really like being at uni, because i kind of dont need to hide away any part of me from anyone.

[marshlander]

Hmm, if your parents are so strongly homophobic it's not much of a surprise that your sisters have been influenced. I too am a parent and I am really struggling to imagine what any of my children could do that would make me want to disown them. No, I just can't think of anything ... and don't think they haven't had their moments Whatever is wrong with your parents that they have to put you under such pressure? Clearly if they are supporting you in any way while you are studying you have to play the game, but my blood boils when I hear tales like this.

I am glad you have found you can get on with life at university. That is what coming out really means. For me it is not looking over my shoulder all the time or remembering what lies I told to whom. A great sense of freedom indeed.

Best wishes to you.

[mightyd]

yeah - well its a bit wierd to think that i can never tell my parents. As i also come from an ethnic background, this causes many problems. You would not even believe how ridiculous my entire family are! - My cousin (asian), she married a white guy and my uncle and auntie basically disowned her, and dont speak to her or anything, and they dont even care that they have a grandchild (ridiculous - i know!) - its been about 5yrs atleast now and continuing... And i know for a fact that my dad in particular is even more stubborn than my uncle - so coming out as a gay to parents is an absolute No! I wish there was more equality in the world - well its definitely improving gradually...

lol - dont let your blood boil from hearing stories like this - i manage just fine to an extent. Univeristy is just awesome! =]

Thanks

[marshlander]

Thanks for the explanation. I now understand a little more about what's going on for you. However, ethnic background or not, this is still Britain and it is the 21st century and you are a British citizen.

I look forward to times when you can be yourself and your family will support you. There is no honour in this concept of family honour, except from the dignified way you seem to be bearing your lot.

Don't deny me a little anger though :redface:

[fredv3b]

Off topic, sorry.

Univeristy is just awesome! =]

I totally agree. Graduation was probably the worst mistake I have made in my life.