Psychotherapy - yes or no?

[Aquarius]

I always believed I have to do another psychotherapy cos some things "just aren't right with me", with social issues, and the stuff that some of you probably read from me before in earlier threads. I don't really wanna repeat it all again cos I'm afraid I'm annoying some people with it, but in short for the newer members, I'm 40, virgin and without a career, that's putting it as short as possible.

So, I saw a gay advisory person for a couple of weeks and we are having very good and open discussions, I was getting some lists for therapists and already am in the queue for one of them, but today a totally new question came on the table.

He opened up and honestly suggested that a therapy might not be needed at all, and that I very well might be able to find "the solution" outside of such.
"The solution" being the answer to the question: "What must happen so that I see a positive change in my life?"
I was surprised cos I always look at me from the outside and see what's up with me "under the line" and my ratio says "ok, a case for therapy", but he really questioned whether the key really lays within another therapy (I already had long term therapy before and considered a different approach for the next one).

He then said a couple of really good things about me, about my values and qualities, and that he doesn't see the need for yet another therapy, and that it might even be counterproductive. He said that if I really longed for a therapy, I would have put more of an effort into finding one. He said I could do a lot more than what I think I can, and that I just need a new impulse in my life, which I can find somewhere else, and that there's no urgent reason for therapy.

I was very, very surprised that he said that, and I value it a lot. It actually made me feel very good, because I always thought I can't help myself.
I left the session today with a feeling of already having been given an important new impulse, and I felt so different today (positively) that I thought I have to share it with you, of which some of you have followed my story over the past year.

My question now is, should I really free myself from the thought (compulsion?) of doing another therapy?

Should I trust his verdict or be sceptical?

What would you suggest, where I could find a new impulse in my life? (don't mention "sex" or "work" lol)

I just really feel the wish to talk talk talk, but maybe I don't have to do a therapy to do that.

[InbetweenDreams]

Find something you're passionate about...hobbies....that sort of thing...

[Emiliano]

I agree with the above suggestion to explore your passions, but I'd add an extra layer that is both empowering and allows you to talk talk talk, as you want. Berlin seems like a very vibrant city - maybe look into a club or organization that lets regular people teach their passions to others. I know you're a creative guy and that's a great gift not all people have, and also one worth sharing. There's a thing here called Brooklyn Brainery http://brooklynbrainery.com/ that is like that, really informal and accessible, maybe there's something similar in your city?

For me, teaching is like a drug, it can leave you with an incredible positive feeling to have shared something of yourself with others in that way. Learning is great too, maybe look for casual classes or meet up groups. Again, in a major cultural city I'm sure things like that exist. It seems like you desire deep connections with others, and learning/teaching can be a great way to explore passions while being social too.

[Camfer]

He opened up and honestly suggested that a therapy might not be needed at all, and that I very well might be able to find "the solution" outside of such.
"The solution" being the answer to the question: "What must happen so that I see a positive change in my life?"
...He then said a couple of really good things about me, about my values and qualities, and that he doesn't see the need for yet another therapy, and that it might even be counterproductive. He said that if I really longed for a therapy, I would have put more of an effort into finding one. He said I could do a lot more than what I think I can, and that I just need a new impulse in my life, which I can find somewhere else, and that there's no urgent reason for therapy.

I was very, very surprised that he said that, and I value it a lot. It actually made me feel very good, because I always thought I can't help myself.
I left the session today with a feeling of already having been given an important new impulse, and I felt so different today (positively) that I thought I have to share it with you, of which some of you have followed my story over the past year.

My question now is, should I really free myself from the thought (compulsion?) of doing another therapy?

Should I trust his verdict or be sceptical?

What would you suggest, where I could find a new impulse in my life? (don't mention "sex" or "work" lol)

I just really feel the wish to talk talk talk, but maybe I don't have to do a therapy to do that.

I say do both.

Yes, a therapist is not going to fix you. YOU have to find that new impulse and then get out and make positive changes. A therapist can only help you frame things and make suggestions where you need them.

So start exploring right away, and when you get that appointment with the new therapist, you can discuss where you are currently in your pursuit of the new you. That does not seem like it would be counterproductive. Your therapist would not allow you to become dependent on him/her. Don't wait for the therapist to make the changes you can make now. Then perhaps the psychotherapy will be shorter in duration than you had imagined.

You want to get to the place where you are so in charge of your life that the therapy is not needed. You can get there, perhaps easier than you have imagined, but you are not there right now. So don't wait to make changes, but don't lose your place in the queue either.

[MikeW]

I... "What must happen so that I see a positive change in my life?"
...
My question now is, should I really free myself from the thought (compulsion?) of doing another therapy?

Should I trust his verdict or be sceptical?

What would you suggest, where I could find a new impulse in my life? ...

I just really feel the wish to talk talk talk, but maybe I don't have to do a therapy to do that.

I think the question being put to you is an excellent one.

I am someone who benefitted tremendously from an eclectic form of psychotherapy in my younger years (mostly mid-20s to mid-30s). It was a nontraditional, "humanistic," approach that included a variety of modalities including Gestalt, Transformational Family Dynamics, Transactional, Transpersonal, ... even Primal. And so it wasn't just "talk"... it was experiential. It was practiced individually but there was also a LOT of group work (therapy within a group setting with anywhere from a half-dozen to three dozen participants).

Over the years I became very close to my therapist (a woman some 30 years older than myself). We spent a lot of time discussing not only my therapy but therapy in general.

One of the things we discussed was how "therapy" in and of itself can't "fix" anything or anyone. It is not like surgery or auto mechanics. It is more like "education" or being given a more diverse and useful set of tools for dealing with problems than we inherited from our families or learned in school. It also provides a different way of *thinking* about ourselves, being aware of or sensitive to ourselves, our motives, *why* we are the way we are. But, again, knowing "why" in and of itself doesn't necessarily change (or "fix") anything.

Finding the right therapy modality for you... and a good therapist... COULD (potentially) be very helpful.

BUT, as you're questioning, is it essential?

I am of the opinion that having self-awareness and the tools that therapy can provide are very useful... and missing from our everyday social experience. But, that said, if therapy (talking about and looking at one's self, one's life) isn't coupled with some sort of ACTION... then it really doesn't help all that much. On some level we have to be both willing and able to change, to live differently.

And there's your question: "What must happen so that I see a positive change in my life?"

My recommendation is to start with something simple. A meditation practice for example. Just sit quietly with yourself for a few minutes each day... preferably at the same time of day... so it becomes a kind of discipline. During this time just *be aware*... as aware as you can be... of the simple fact that YOU ARE, YOU EXIST.

If you can do that, then, little by little, see if it is possible to take that deeper... to become even MORE aware, more sensitive, MORE OPEN, more accepting of what *IS* in a moment. This IS your life. It's a miracle not to be missed or taken for granted. There's no need to do anything grand, necessarily. Just BE... and, then, see if it is possible to, in a very quiet and simple way, SHARE that being with others around you.

[Aquarius]

Thanks guys, i will look into options. Meditation is a very good idea I think. I sometimes do exactly that, close my eyes and just focus on "being", so I guess I already know what you mean, Mike.

Also I have to try to live out my hobbies and creative passions without the filter in my head that it's too unrealistic to become successful with it, but just do it for myself, which I didn't allow myself in recent years as I called it "pointless"... though from my youth time I remember I didn't do this for "results", but for the joy in it... I guess with growing age I became more strict about the "use" and more comparing myself to more successful and much younger artists, which is laming me.

I'm not a good teacher I think, but maybe I could learn a new language, even if that "pointless" flag is popping up already :S

I have to find a way how to get rid of those barriers in my brain, all those "pointless" / "hopeless" / "I'm too old" / "I'm too untalented" flags that pop up and keep me from going further.

My advisory guy said I need to be "surprised", and I was recently surprised about my experiences at physiotherapy, and I think getting surprises is important for me to learn that my predefined concepts / prejudices about things are often wrong.

[JustAperson]

Once upon a day, there appeared a small opening in a cocoon. There was a man staring at the butterfly who was trying to struggle through the opening of the cocoon. It appeared that the butterfly didn’t make any progress anymore, it seems like he couldn’t get any further. The man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and opened up the cocoon. The butterfly came out much more easily but he had a withered body. He was small with wrinkled wings. The man kept staring because he expected the wings to unfold at any moment and grew larger so that they could carry the butterflies body. But nothing happened. Contrary to this, the butterfly lived his life doddering, he moved very badly with his weathered and withered wings. He could never fly. This man was full of love and good intensions, but could not understand that the little opening in the cocoon and the struggle the butterfly had, was natures way to get the moisture from his body into his wings, so he was ready to fly when he left his cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in life. We wouldn’t be that strong without them. We could never fly.

Imagine you are the butterfly, and the therapist is the man.
Don;t go to the therapist, please

''should I really free myself from the thought (compulsion?)'' YES
''Should I trust his verdict'' Yes sir

[matty7]

sounds like you found a guy who knows what he's talking about - have you been stuck in a cycle of therapy recommended one after the other ? this guy may be right all along , but only you can find your focus - its like a alcoholic trying to stop drinking, they live their day revolving everything for eating to sleeping around alcohol....they have to find other ways to fill there time as a distraction to the problem - maybe you need the same

[Aquarius]

Thanks for your comments, especially for the cute butterfly story, [MENTION=23952]JustAperson[/MENTION] , but all of your replies are very valuable for me.
[MENTION=18997]matty7[/MENTION]
I was in a very bad state, psychically, around 2002, that's why I initially got a therapist. With her, I quickly recovered, we talked a lot about my issues, until the point why I have them in first place.
I am perfectly aware of what the biographical backgrounds are for each issue I have, but with her, I never got to the point of overcoming my fears, doubts, barriers. I had been in that therapy until 2009 and still see her every now and then for an update.

So yes, for the last 15 years I was more or less sure that only therapy can help me. Now that I still have big issues, I had my usual thought, the thought that I got used to, that I must get a new therapist (as I'm in a new city).

I always missed something with my old therapist, and hoped to get a different approach with a new one, but it seems like I already got what I missed with the advisory guy.

The questions he asked are just the right ones. I am really thankful that he asked me that, because my old therapist would never have done that in all those years.
I left the advisory centre with more self conciousness, more belief in myself, more happiness...

For some reason I suspect that my therapist wasn't really good, or wasn't really interested to really help me.
Maybe she didn't want to lose an income. Maybe she is a good therapist in general, but not what I needed. She did help me in some things, but not in others, the issues that remain.

All I really need is someone to talk to, I have a very high desire to communicate, and "therapist" was the best I could get back then in my former city (Cologne) where I was all alone and knew noone, but now that I have friends here and online, that's less of a problem.

However, I still had the big wish to talk about my issues to someone, so I got to this advisory guy, and apparently he happened to crack a nut that others couldn't crack yet.

A few days after I still feel so good and relieved. I really think he managed to trigger a hidden but important button.

[MisterLonely]

Trust your gut instinct