Can we still be friends?

[pman117]

I wasn't sure if I should post this here or in the advice section so forgive me if it is misplaced. I'll try to shorten this up but it will probably be a long post. If you make it through and still feel like commenting I thank you in advance.

I met a guy online for a one time hookup, it quickly became more than a one time thing and we eventually started hanging out after we hooked up and then even starting doing things not related to sex at all (going to baseball games, his lake property etc.) Things started progressing and I started having feelings of wanting to be more than friends. We talked about it a few times and every time he said he wasn't ready yet but did enjoy hanging out together. We later had a conversation where he told me "I'm into you and if things continue they will develop into something more." This was followed by us hanging out for multiple days on a weekly basis for about a month. Then, it all seemed to slow down after one of his ex's started reaching out to him. I didn't think anything of it at the time and at one point he even told me he "didn't see a scenario where him and that ex would get back together" (obviously a lie as I later found out).

We continued to hang out on occasion although not as frequently. We had planned a week long vacation in October which we went on and during the vacation I found out he was in serious talks about getting back with that particular ex. Of course when I asked him about it he said they were just in talks and it was nothing set in stone. Anyway, the rest of the vacation was kind of awkward as you can imaging. He knew what I wanted from him and he obviously didn't care to tell me that he was no longer interested. We got back from the vacation and I had asked him if we could get together and talk about things just to figure out where we stood. He said yes but of course when that day came he didn't answer the phone, didn't respond and I haven't heard from him in over a month. I tried calling him a couple weeks ago (no answer) and didn't bother leaving a message. I guess I figured just by me calling was me saying "I'm still here" and I didn't want to leave a message that I was acting out of desperation. I know he's entered into a relationship with his ex (facebook) so I get that there's no chance for me any more. But I do wish to be friends with him still, we did have really fun times together and it would be tough to lose both a potential relationship and a friend but, I think I already know the answer.

The lack of responses, the lack of honestly and things he's lied to me about say more than anything. In any scenario, most people would be furious and wouldn't want to even think about this guy let alone want to try to be friends still. I'm not sure if that's because I'm naive, too forgiving, or still harbor feelings for him (or all the above) but I really would like to work things out. The biggest reason is he constantly told me that he likes to remain friends with his ex's because he feels that if there were strong enough feelings to be dating someone that it's worth remaining friends. We never considered ourselves as dating but there were times where it certainly seemed like we were or that we were just one more good time from doing so. That's why I'm so stunned that he won't respond to me and seems to have cut ties. Especially after everything we did together and how close we seemed to be getting.

Anyway, I've taken enough of your guys' time. Thanks again for reading, like I said, I think I unfortunately know the answer to my question but I just needed to vent and see if any of you had anything else to add.

[IanSaysHi]

First of all sorry you're in this situation, it's never easy to feel on whatever level your feelings for someone are more than theirs.

I just wrote an essay but found myself saying the same things in different ways so I'll boil it down: you've tried to stay in touch and left the ball in his court, now however hard it is it's time to try and move on. I know how easy that is for me to say as an outsider. Try socialising with your other friends and keeping busy for a while. From what you've said although he cleverly never absolutely said yes to a relationship, he did string you along whilst he worked out if his ex was still interested. Maybe he will get back in touch (don't hold out hope) once you stop contacting him, and if so just be very careful because he's toyed around with you.

I wish you all the best going forward, like I say just soldier on for a while and however difficult it feels, seek out new social possibilities when you can.

[deephiance]

I think you already know what you need to do and you are waiting for affirmation.

These situations never work out favourably for the third wheel (You). You are a rebound fling, nothing more and nothing less.

Time for you to do what is right for you.

[pman117]

I just wrote an essay but found myself saying the same things in different ways so I'll boil it down: you've tried to stay in touch and left the ball in his court, now however hard it is it's time to try and move on. I know how easy that is for me to say as an outsider. Maybe he will get back in touch (don't hold out hope) once you stop contacting him, and if so just be very careful because he's toyed around with you.

I would've read every word of that essay! I'm gracious that you took the time to write that much initially. I understand everything you said and believe me I'm trying damn hard to move on. I've just spent so much energy and time thinking about him in the past that it's hard to just stop. I have no intention of letting him toy with me in the future if I ever hear from him. At this point I really just want to show/tell him that I'm not the naive, ignorant kid he thinks I am. That I've had time to see through his ploy and his lies.

I think you already know what you need to do and you are waiting for affirmation.

These situations never work out favourably for the third wheel (You). You are a rebound fling, nothing more and nothing less.

I was needing affirmation and both of you have supplied it along with many others I've talked to. It's just hard to let go if someone who I've put so much time and effort thinking about before all this happened.

Thanks again guys. Everyone on here continues to be so helpful whenever I need it.

[pman117]

Well guys, I have an update about this scenario. I got an email from the guy Wednesday evening. I wish I could post it here but it would require WAY too much explanation. In summary, he apologized for "being a dick" over the last 2 months by not talking to me. He explained that he (as I predicted he would say) did it for me that he separated himself from me completely to help me get over him and start to heal. He explained that he had been in my situation before, how he tried to hold on and it messed him up further and he didn't want me to go through the same suffering. Sounds nice at face value, but I wonder if that's not just a "I'll say this to make him think I still care about him" kind of thing.

Anyway, He continued on explaining that he did develop feelings for me in part but that (as he usually pointed out) whenever he thought about "dating" me he felt I started to get too clingy, needy, etc and I let my emotions run rampant and he would have to take a step back. Of course he didn't really accept much responsibility for any of it and as usual he made it more about what I did wrong rather than what we could have done to address it.

As far as the friendship questions he did acknowledge that the email he sent me was not an invitation or declaration that we were friends at this point. Again, he explained that I should focus on me, get my head on straight and figure out what I want. He did say that if I want to be friends in the future that he would be there and willing to do so. But again, I just wonder if that's him saying what he knows i want to hear him say and whether or not he truly means that.

Regardless, it was nice to hear from him. It did supply at least a little bit of closure that I was looking for. Of course I still have questions and missing answers and I absolutely want to ask him certain questions like, "why did it take you two months to say this?" "Why do I feel like I'm still only getting partial truths from you" or "Why couldn't this discussion have happened on the day we got back from vacation?" But maybe this is a step towards that friendship which, I'll admit, won't happen tomorrow but maybe in the future.

I will proceed with caution of course and I will try not to rush things. I have no intention of being used and I really want to let him now that I'm not this naive, young kid that believes everything he says. But I know there is sometimes a time and place for everything, and sometimes there isn't. I have a couple friends that have been great support on this matter in addition to you guys. I'll be ok, eventually. I just need to get there.