Met the nicest guy...but

[TigerLover]

Make clear to him that you're not sexually attracted to him at this time. Then ask if he wants to give it a few more dates to see if you get closer.

That way you're not leading him on but you're not completely ruling out the chance of growing a relationship either.

[Flyerboy95]

Thanks so much for all the honest replies. I do want to just say again that I hope I don't offend anybody by this thread.

I spoke to this lad, and he agreed too that as much as he really likes me, he felt something was missing. We've agreed to take some pressure of us both, and that no matter what happens we've both got a very good friend out of it, and anything more is a bonus. We said when we see each other again, which we are going to, it'd be nice to do something fun and relaxed, rather than sitting across from each other in a restaurant again like we did for the first 2 dates.

I think you're spot on when you say it's some sort of insecurity I have about him being a little effeminate, it definitely is, it somehow makes me feel 'on edge'. I am totally open about my sexuality and I have no problem with anybody knowing, but for some reason I do feel on edge and I guess vulnerable when I'm with him, for example when I dropped him off and there was a group of kids, I felt really scared they would turn on us (I've experienced similar in the past).

It would be such a huge shame to throw a potentially good relationship away just because of that one thing, so maybe you guys can help me: how can I pin point exactly what it is that bothers me? I know it's some sort of insecurity within me, looking back I've always struggled to be around feminine gay guys for some reason. I don't want to think like this though, I need to somehow accept these people because it's so wrong of me to feel badly about them.

[kindy64]

Therapy might help pinpoint exactly what it is. Mostly you realize this is an internal reaction you have, and that it's not the other person's problem. In the end, if you know you have this reaction, you can overcome it.

If you don't find effeminate guys attractive, no worries though, everyone has their preferences.

Some research:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...-prejudice
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/10374...-camp.html
https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/comm...ffeminacy/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-alvea...54188.html
http://thecollegevoice.org/2014/12/02/on...g-gay-men/
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/...rview.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/qui...-and-yours
http://markoconnelltherapist.com/wp-cont...t_Tell.pdf
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive...pe/276407/

[meridannight]

Just give it some time and see how things develop. There is no rush. I have found that sometimes my emotions react with a bit of a delay, so to say. I have not always fell in love immediately, at first sight (although that happens as well). Sometimes I've known a guy for some time, and then, only later, I find myself falling for him.

It might happen for you in this case, it might not. You can't force it or strategize to bring it about. Let it go, be friends with him, and if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, that's okay as well. It won't happen with everyone, and it's a bad idea to think it should happen just because you find him so nice in every other respect. You have to be with a man that makes you feel something.

[Borg69]

Maybe you're not as "out" as you think you are. You sound like it's ok to be with someone, but only as long as they're straight acting, and blend in, not drawing attention to you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

You've been on two dates with this guy.

I'm going to bet he didn't turn up all macho on the first date, yet you moved onto the second date?

That old saying of "opposites attract" comes to mind.

See how the 3rd date goes would be my advice :biggrin:

[artyboy]

Maybe you're not as "out" as you think you are. You sound like it's ok to be with someone, but only as long as they're straight acting, and blend in, not drawing attention to you.

What does out really mean lol!!!?

[Borg69]

What does out really mean lol!!!?

To me it means that he cares more for the guy he's with, unconditionally, than the impression of strangers around him.

[InbetweenDreams]

What does out really mean lol!!!?

In his context, how comfortable he is with his sexuality...does he really own being gay.

There is a point where being too camp can be annoying but I don't know that it is so much being camp as it is them just being annoying.... There's a difference in being a brat and being camp.... However, seems most of the guys I have met have been the latter...

[artyboy]

What just because he "thinks" he doesnt like camp guys, maybe he's still learning what he likes?