My life as a gay in Russia.
01-25-2017, 06:47 PM
Maybe my English is not very well though.
So like I said, I’m from Russia, and that’s a very hostile place for a gay person. Of course I’m in the closet and I doubt I’ll ever be able to come out. I’m dreaming about leaving Russia and starting my life in another country but when I think about it logically, I don’t see how this could work out, because I don’t have any relatives abroad and I don’t think I’ve got what it takes to build a life from a zero in a foreign country all alone. The friends that I have are not actually my friends . They’re only my friends because they don’t know the real me. If they knew I’m gay, they’d hate me in a minute and I’d probably get beaten up.
Not a single person knows I’m gay, I cannot tell it to anyone. I find it harder and harder to avoid all these questions „why don’t you have a girlfriend?, why are you alone all the time?, when will you have a girlfriend?†Soon I'll be just 20 but everyone expects me to date girls. My dad is like „come on, don’t be shy, bring that girl over, let your mum and me meet her, I know you’ve a girl, I know you do†One of the guys I know, I don’t want to call him my friend, because, like I said he’s not my friend, is trying all the time to hook me up with his girlfriend’s friends, like „you’re shy, so let me help you, they’re beautiful, you’ll fall in love instantly†I feel like I’ll run out of excuses soon.
Another guy asked me "man, you're not fag, are you?" I asked "why would you say it?" because you couldn't tell I'm gay by my appearance if we talk about stereotypes. He was like "it's just that I know you so long and I've never seen you with a girl, never heard you talking about girls, you've never shown any interest in girls" I said I just don't feel like dating right now and he said "it's ok, I'm asking because, you know, this disease is spreading all over the world, I was worried you might have caught it too" Many Russians believe that being gay is a mental disease.
My father is talking like " I can't wait when you'll make your old man happy by getting married and having children. I'm so looking forward to play with my grandkids" or " you know, son, the main thing a real man needs to do is to find a good wife" Whenever I tell him about some new activity I'm involving in or if I'm going somewhere, he's always like "will there be any hot chicks?" and I hate these stupid jokes of his about booze, big boobs and sex.
My mother is basically the same, she doesn't say idiotic jokes but still is like " a man cannot survive without a woman, you'll see when you get married"
I love nights when everybody's sleeping and I don't have to listen to bullshit. I've started to experience insomnia and I'm crying often. This forum is the only place when I can tell all of my emotions and everything I have inside but I don't want to even think about what would happen if someone found out I'm using it.
Sometimes I just wish to yell at everyone that I'm gay and they need to leave me the hell alone but then I realize that would mean the end of my life. My parents would probably throw me out of the house and I don't have a single friend who wouldn't be homophobic. So I continue to keep quiet and suffer at the same time.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m the only gay person in the world. I feel so very alone. Everyone is about girls and girls only. And if I told the truth to those people I know, my life would turn into a hell. Getting to know someone in the Internet is dangerous as well, homophobes are creating fake profiles to catch gay men and when you go to actually meet the person, you might find a bunch of guys instead who are there to beat you up.
Sometimes I honestly think about suicide. I don’t think I could actually do it but I think about it a lot. I don’t believe I’ll ever have a boyfriend or even a person that I could be honest with. I wish for someone who’d understand me, someone together with whom I wouldn’t have to pretend, someone that I could tell everything to. I have to carry this secret inside of me and listen to stupid homophobic remarks and jokes from everyone around me. Every day is difficult. When I wake up I realize I need to lie again and if I don't lie, things might end very sadly for me. I'm not sure if I want to live anymore.
So like I said, I’m from Russia, and that’s a very hostile place for a gay person. Of course I’m in the closet and I doubt I’ll ever be able to come out. I’m dreaming about leaving Russia and starting my life in another country but when I think about it logically, I don’t see how this could work out, because I don’t have any relatives abroad and I don’t think I’ve got what it takes to build a life from a zero in a foreign country all alone. The friends that I have are not actually my friends . They’re only my friends because they don’t know the real me. If they knew I’m gay, they’d hate me in a minute and I’d probably get beaten up.
Not a single person knows I’m gay, I cannot tell it to anyone. I find it harder and harder to avoid all these questions „why don’t you have a girlfriend?, why are you alone all the time?, when will you have a girlfriend?†Soon I'll be just 20 but everyone expects me to date girls. My dad is like „come on, don’t be shy, bring that girl over, let your mum and me meet her, I know you’ve a girl, I know you do†One of the guys I know, I don’t want to call him my friend, because, like I said he’s not my friend, is trying all the time to hook me up with his girlfriend’s friends, like „you’re shy, so let me help you, they’re beautiful, you’ll fall in love instantly†I feel like I’ll run out of excuses soon.
Another guy asked me "man, you're not fag, are you?" I asked "why would you say it?" because you couldn't tell I'm gay by my appearance if we talk about stereotypes. He was like "it's just that I know you so long and I've never seen you with a girl, never heard you talking about girls, you've never shown any interest in girls" I said I just don't feel like dating right now and he said "it's ok, I'm asking because, you know, this disease is spreading all over the world, I was worried you might have caught it too" Many Russians believe that being gay is a mental disease.
My father is talking like " I can't wait when you'll make your old man happy by getting married and having children. I'm so looking forward to play with my grandkids" or " you know, son, the main thing a real man needs to do is to find a good wife" Whenever I tell him about some new activity I'm involving in or if I'm going somewhere, he's always like "will there be any hot chicks?" and I hate these stupid jokes of his about booze, big boobs and sex.
My mother is basically the same, she doesn't say idiotic jokes but still is like " a man cannot survive without a woman, you'll see when you get married"
I love nights when everybody's sleeping and I don't have to listen to bullshit. I've started to experience insomnia and I'm crying often. This forum is the only place when I can tell all of my emotions and everything I have inside but I don't want to even think about what would happen if someone found out I'm using it.
Sometimes I just wish to yell at everyone that I'm gay and they need to leave me the hell alone but then I realize that would mean the end of my life. My parents would probably throw me out of the house and I don't have a single friend who wouldn't be homophobic. So I continue to keep quiet and suffer at the same time.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m the only gay person in the world. I feel so very alone. Everyone is about girls and girls only. And if I told the truth to those people I know, my life would turn into a hell. Getting to know someone in the Internet is dangerous as well, homophobes are creating fake profiles to catch gay men and when you go to actually meet the person, you might find a bunch of guys instead who are there to beat you up.
Sometimes I honestly think about suicide. I don’t think I could actually do it but I think about it a lot. I don’t believe I’ll ever have a boyfriend or even a person that I could be honest with. I wish for someone who’d understand me, someone together with whom I wouldn’t have to pretend, someone that I could tell everything to. I have to carry this secret inside of me and listen to stupid homophobic remarks and jokes from everyone around me. Every day is difficult. When I wake up I realize I need to lie again and if I don't lie, things might end very sadly for me. I'm not sure if I want to live anymore.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Virgo
Leo
. we still fall behind the western world, but have been developing a greater tolerance toward LGBT community in recent years, especially in the South. I suppose vietnam is way better than Russia in term of acceptance of homosexuality.
