Looking For Some Advice...

[WhatShouldIDo]

Hi Guys - I've been a relationship for just over 2 years with a great guy. We have a blast together. He is successful, caring, funny, friendly, and very handsome, a total 10, well almost. For a long time I felt as though we would definitely marry some day, but lately I'm doubting our relationship and I hate how I am feeling.... He's my problem. We haven't had sex in almost a year! I have tried almost everything. I just don't know what to do. I have talked with him, he said its work/stress, and he's just in a weird place. I know he sawed his oats when younger, but so have I. He just turned 40. He's totally the the type of guy you would see dancing on a box in a club. Together we get lots of looks..so hotness on my part isn't the problem. Neither of us are into threesomes or venturing out in our relationship.. in fact it makes me sick to think of him being with someone else. I am a late bloomer and came out 6 years ago after ending a long term marriage (female).. which of course there was absolutely no sex there. I am a very passionate sexual romantic guy and this is killing me. If anyone could offer me some advice I would greatly appreciate it. - - THANK YOU!!!

[marshlander]

Sorry to hear about this. It sounds tough. I suppose boredom can set in after two years, but there is probably more to this than there seems.

First congratulations on coming out and making those changes in your life. You are not the only one on here to do so when older. Some of us were older than you when we decided enough was enough and broke cover.

You say, "He's my problem", but is that strictly true? It's the not having sex that's a problem, isn't it? How are the discussions when you mention it? Do you feel you are able to have a grown up talk about what's going on or does he avoid the subject and say very little that's helpful?

Forty is a funny age. I wouldn't want to go through it again. It's an age where bits start to wear out, or fall out out, and you start to see a different person in the mirror. The term "mid-life crisis" was coined to describe the realisations that occur when we hit our forties.

Maybe work is stressful, but him being "in a weird place" seems to be leaving you in Nomansland. The traffic shouldn't all be one-way. In a relationship you sometimes have to sacrifice a bit of yourself for the sake of your partner's happiness. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of sacrificing, but then we've only heard your interpretation of the situation. Being in a weird place sounds like there's is something he cannot or will not talk to you about. Until you can both get all the cards on the table I don't know what else you can do. You both have worries and there is clearly some unhappiness about it all. If you can't find the language to talk together have you considered couples counselling? I have heard that, on occasion, a dispassionate third party viewpoint can be helpful.

Best wishes and good luck to you both.

[WhatShouldIDo]

Thanks Marshlander for your thoughts, I appreciate them. BTW: I didn't mean to say "He's my problem", I meant "Here's my problem".. LOL - Oops!

You are right you've only heard my side, I wish I could get him to talk about his thoughts though to know what's up. I fear he is not attracted to me anymore, I hope that's just drama in my head and not the real issue. I think this weekend we need to have a "Come to Jesus" discussion about where are relationship is going..maybe it will shed some light on the situation.

[marshlander]

The best of luck with that discussion. I take it that "come to Jesus" is a style of discussion? I've not heard the phrase used in such a context before.

I think I can understand your anxiety and perhaps sense of isolation ...? Trying to put myself in his place I can't believe he's unaware of how you feel and that must involve some difficult feelings for him, maybe even some guilt? If he feels backed into a corner he may say nothing or something he doesn't mean and neither of you wish to hear.

Let us know how you get on.

[Sozo]

Hello!

I'm new here but I'm going to just jump right in...

The key to any successful relationship is communication (as I'm sure you know) but you have to make sure that you're not the only one talking. While I certainly don't know the whole story of what is going on you did offer some clues and as I was reading two things popped into my mind.

I agree with the previous posted that it sounds like he's not being completely open and honest with you. Having said that he's in a weird place indicates that I'm in a place that I can't talk to you about.

Now being men this could be any number of things, he's a man's man and wants to take care of it on his own. He doesn't want to stress you out or make you worry. He's trying to protect you, and the list goes on.

It's up to you to make him realize that whatever it is GOOD or BAD he can talk to you about it.

Second, and probably more importantly is his age. At that age having no sex drive (come on lets face it none of us are going two years without sex voluntarily) means that it could be a health issue, something as simple as prostate problems, chemical imbalance, erectile dysfunction, all of which have solutions.

But here the thing relationships or give and take when you love someone the lines of who's a top who's a bottom and how often you guys have sex in a day or in a week should become blurred and together you find that mix that works for the both of you. If you can't do that, then it's not meant to be.

Understand that a relationship is full of compromises, and you're not always going to get what you want and sometimes not what you need. Communication is that key though, you have to be able to talk it out and express EVERYTHING in order to make it work.

If you can't do that...you relationship will be taxing on both of you and you will fail.

Hope that helps!

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Good luck Mr. What.
It must be tough as your mind is going to play lots of games.
Glad I am not in your situation. But seems like you are taking the cock by the balls.

Best of luck with it![/COLOR]

[fredv3b]

Here's my tuppence worth..

I have a few questions for you to ask yourself. How was your sex life in the first year? How did it come to and end? Do you have any form of sexual contact at all? The answers to those may well hold a clue to the underlying problem. Also how does he feel about the situation? Even if you can't find the precise reason, does he want to have sex with you but feels he can't or does he lack the desire? I agree that communication is the key, however it may be that he feels that the 'stakes are too high' for him to be able to talk to you about it. Perhaps it might help if he talked to someone else about it, a friend, maybe even a professional counsellor? My only other thought is that you should try as much as possible to reduce the amount of stress and expectation he feels about sex especially from you, try to avoid the situation where you want sex, he knows you do, he knows he can't so he avoids any sexual contact (so things can't go beyond where he might feel comfortable) and similarly avoids the conversation going anywhere near sex.