I can't trust my friends because they do drugs (I'm not). Am I unfair?

[Anonymous]

I am posting anonymously because it's most probably offensive to people who consume drugs.

For terminology let's just establish that with "drug" I mean illegal drugs, and not "just" cannabis, but cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy and some stuff I never heard of.

I seem to be the only guy in my circles that has never tried any drug and never will.
I can't fathom why someone would consume something off the hands of criminals, where he can't be sure what it really is, or what it does with him. I just can't believe it and never will, I have huge issues with this.

It makes me both, worried about my friends, and in the end I am losing my trust in them. In fact I don't trust them because of this. But since all my friends seem to be doing drugs, and they seem normal otherwise and I really like them, I must assume that the whole gay world is doing drugs and I'm the weird one who doesn't, and it makes me feel like an alien.

Why I can't trust them? Because I don't trust people who take such a huge risk just for "fun". It is damn serious for me. I can't laugh about it.

On the other side, I really like them and I feel if they knew what I think about illegal drug consume, they wouldn't want me to be their friend anymore. Like I already think they find me uncool for not doing drugs.

I have never seen them doing stuff, just always hear about it, so it also never happened that they saw me not doing it, but it all makes me feel like I'm in the wrong circles.
But then, everyone seems to do it....... just not me. I thought I was a cool and liberal guy but apparently I'm not, because I'm not cool with doing drugs and never will be.

I just was out with some of my friends, and when the topic came up, they talked as if it was the most normal thing in the world, with a cheery face, talking about consuming cocaine. I was just shocked and tried to not let it be too obvious that I have serious issues with it.

Now my questions:
Do all the cool people really do drugs?
How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?
Am I taking this way more serious than it is?
Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?
And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?
Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?

I feel so angry, worried, odd and non-belonging at the same time.
But I won't ever try a drug, that's for sure.

[InbetweenDreams]

Now my questions:
Do all the cool people really do drugs?

No not all "cool" people do drugs.

How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?

You can't... I mean I'm assuming you're not just talking about people smoking a joint and ordering pizza... I know some might disgagree with me on here but hard shit, cocaine, meth, etc can really lead to a lot of problems...

Am I taking this way more serious than it is?

Hard to answer that question for sure, but if your friends are doing hard drugs, I would say no and you probably should move on.

Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?

If they're into hard stuff it is a matter of time before they might consider say stealing money or worse yet if you're out driving around with them could get caught up in a crime. Not trying to scare you or be irrational here, but I've seen plenty of this kind of crap where I live and hey I used to smoke pot and there were some sketch people and I'm glad I got away from that for many reasons.

And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?

Who knows. They might suspect you being a narc if they ever get busted.

Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?

No not so. However, get some new friends. Be careful. Not sure what kind of crap exactly your friends are into...you might elaborate on that. I mean if it is just weed, probably not nearly that big of a deal, but other stuff can be a real problem for your friend's and yourself.

I feel so angry, worried, odd and non-belonging at the same time.
But I won't ever try a drug, that's for sure.

Ok here's the thing. We all want to belong. I'm into so many different things and hobbies that I don't fit into one particular group. I have a friend with is in the same boat sort of speak. Stop worrying about fitting in and stay true to what you're passionate about, go after that.

[Pix]

People in general are untrustworthy and make poor judgment calls, not just those with drug habits, illegal and otherwise.

I don't look down on you for refusing to do drugs. You have solid reasons and I applaud you for sticking by your principles. But your seeming to dismiss others for their decisions puts me off a bit. Just because you're inclined to write them off doesn't mean that everyone who partakes in drugs is going to write you off in the same way for the same reason (for being different).

You're not the only gay person not doing drugs. And most everyone has at least experimented with drugs regardless of their sexual orientation. I can't help but think you just need to move in a different social circle rather than about everyone (at least everyone gay) is snorting their brains out.

And it's been a long time since I ever looked at any personals, but are they no longer several ads demanding that any who contact them be "drug free"? There always seemed to be plenty of those (and disease free, drama free, etc) back when I used to glance at them out of curiosity.

[kindy64]

heh, pix, that should just be called D3Free (Drugs, Disease, Drama free.)

My friends and I had a friend who was totally straight when it came to drugs, and drinking. He wouldn't partake, except for the occasional beer or glass of wine. We were all pot smokers, and everyone else but him and I would occasionally do coke. Nobody ever looked down on him for not joining in. And he never looked down on us for doing it.

There are many reasons never to do drugs, job requirement being a big one, but it's a personal choice. Can you trust your friends who do drugs? Using drugs should not be an automatic disqualifier. In general, if a person lies, cheats, steals, then I wouldn't trust them, whether they are a drug user or not. If they are an abuser, I would tend not to trust them, as their drug of choice is their master, and they tend to do anything to get it.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to explain why I have issues with "trust" here.
I don't think that people who do drugs are bad people. Quite the opposite is the case, I am worried because apparently a lot of good people are doing drugs.

From my ever-sober perspective, the difference between "never doing illicit drugs" and "trying an illicit drug once" is bigger than "trying it once" and "being addicted".

What gives me trust issues are these points:

1. If you ever decided to try a drug, that means that you are generally willing to put yourself into a highly risky situation, because of the direct effect on your mind and body, the indirect effect on your body where you put yourself into dangerous situations under the influence of the drug, and then because of the effect on your environment, because of what it might make you do to the people around you.
Of course I have less trust for people who are willing to take risks "for fun". Especially when I care for them, it makes me feel my care is wasted. I explicitly have issues with illegal drugs, because you can't absolutely be sure what's in, as you can be sure with a bottle of beer or with a pack of cigarettes.

2. If you do drugs, so I read and heard on many places, you do things that you normally wouldn't do. This includes horrible stories such as cutting off body parts, killing people, being unaware of a life threatening danger, etc. I don't think I've ever been around someone who was high at that moment (apart of cannabis), so I wouldn't know what to expect. I know what it feels like to be drunk, so I can relate when someone is drunk. I know what it feels like to be high on caffeine, so I can relate to that. But I am very afraid of what a beloved person would do under illegal and mind altering drugs, that I otherwise trust and care for.

Under the line, what gives me the biggest trust issues is A) the drugs and their effects on them and their environment, not their sober selves. However, B), the fact that their sober selves are willing to give up control and do A) in first place, is already enough to feel insecure about them.

Again, I have no issues with bad people doing drugs, I have issues with good people doing drugs, because I care for them. Sure, it's their body, it's their brain, it's their consequences if something goes bad, but it can also be me who they want to injure because they think I'm a monster or whatever.

And in the end, doing illegal drugs also means purchasing them, and thus they are dealing with criminals, and laying their lives in the hands of criminals.

How the fuck can I trust regarding all of the above.

[kindy64]

Do you (or would you) feel the same about someone who took part in other, legal, but very risky recreational activities? Bungee Jumping, Scuba/Deep Sea Diving, Skydiving, Ski Jumping, Heli-Skiing, Cliff Diving/Base Jumping, Boxing, Summit/Rock Climbing, Motorcycle Riding.

[Anonymous]

[MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION]

YES, absolutely YES.
Even more so, I have extremely big issues with people who do anything height-related to the point that I can't see a further basis for friendship.

On gay pride I've once seen a bungee jumping and only from watching it my body was shaking even half an hour later and I had to take a pill to calm down.

It would be a dealbreaker for a relationship if my loved one would do that. I am very very sensitive about it and I usually can't sleep all night after I see a photo on the internet where stranger is exposed to height in one or the other way. I couldn't cope with a loved one doing bungee jumping, sky-diving etc.

I have huge huge issues with this.

When I love someone, I want to be there for him when he feels bad. When he is sick. But not when it's his own fault. That's abuse of care.

[Anonymous]

edit to the 2nd last sentence:

"not when he's exposing himself to risks on purpose".

[kindy64]

So the issue really isn't trusting "friends on drugs" it's "friends who risk their lives." Just clarifying the issue a bit from your comments.

All of life is a calculated risk. Getting out of bed, getting into a bathtub (do you know how many people die from falls in the tub,) driving to work, eating at a restaurant (never know who hasn't washed their hands.) We do these things because we've calculated the risk, and accept the chance of injury, sickness, and death.

People do the same for high risk hobbies, and recreational drug use (including alcohol.) The pleasure is worth it. The pleasure I derived from riding my motorcycle was worth the inherent risks of injury or death. The thrill of being on a roller coaster is worth the chance I'll get sick, or something bad happens during the ride. My fiance wants to bungee jump, I have a fear of heights. I doubt I'd join him, but I'd still support him, even though there's a chance he could die, or be paralyzed.

[Anonymous]

[MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION]

I doubt I'd join him, but I'd still support him, even though there's a chance he could die, or be paralyzed.

This is what I don't get at all.
I'm not saying that you are wrong, but I wonder if anything or what's wrong with me.
Don't you want to protect your loved one from dangers?
Don't you care about him?
Or what is wrong with me?

I really suffer from these thoughts and would like to be able to work on it without going to a therapy, cos clearly it isn't a reason enough for me to go to therapy for that, because it's me thinking that the others are wrong. But maybe something is wrong with me instead.

Where do I get it all wrong really? I really need to work on this because I have sleepless nights about it so so often.