Age difference

[kindy64]

I'm not sure but what advice are you looking for?

You are seeing him, though not involved sexually yet. Make sure you take things at his pace, and not your own. Make sure he is comfortable proceeding with whatever goes on. You will need to teach him how to be in a relationship, sex being but a part of it.

The age gap between my fiance and I is 31 years. He's now 21, and I am 52. He gets a lot of grief from his friends, family, and acquaintances on social media. We do get stared at a bit in public, although a lot of times it's directed at him (he glams it up with hair extensions, makeup, and fake nails.)

[Jess]

This entire situation scares me to be honest. I'm afraid. Afraid to get in a relationship that has no future according to most of my friends. Afraid that if I take the chance, he will regret his first relationship en possibly experiences being with 'an old guy'. Afraid that if I eventually initiate some sort of physical contact, he is too insecure to really let me know if he wants it.

To let you guys in in my background a little: My last relationship ended 3 years ago by the death of my partner (had been sick for the last 2 years of our relationship). Damian (the 17 year old) is the first guy that has me interested in 'love' again ever since. I had two dates during the time I had contact with Damian (before meeting him). Great dates, nice guys but the first thing I did when I got home again was check to see if I had any texts or give Damian a call. Those two guys did not get to me the way Dami does. And that is kind of a big deal I think.

Two days ago he kissed me. Outside, against a wall somewhere, after a restaurant dinner. And OMG... he had me shaking on my knees. If felt amazing. And weird/wrong at the same time, kissing a boy and not a man. Well... Tonight we meet again if I finish work on time. And I think I'm more nervous and insecure than he is...

[ursa445]

Since the relationship do not lead you into any legal trouble, why not. 11 year gap is not that big, although that would creat some challenge in your relarionship, but even close-age couples have their problem too.
Just try breaking the ice with him, then you make your decision

[drobs]

I'm going to clarify what I said earlier. While a greater than 10 year age span relationship is not a big deal when both are legal consenting adults. It is a big deal when 1 is not a full adult. In most of the world 18 is that number.

To further clarify I would recommend you stay friends but don't start any physical / sexual relationship till he is fully 18. You don't state what country you live in. And I find this whole thread extremely questionable.

There are 2 issues - Age of Consent + Position of Trust.

Regarding age of consent - understand that for the US, age of consent is 18, both in the US, and internationally (see below).

"Authorizes fines and/or imprisonment for up to 30 years for U.S. citizens or residents who engage in illicit sexual conduct abroad. For the purposes of this law, illicit sexual conduct is defined as commercial sex with or sexual abuse of anyone under 18, or any sex with anyone under 16.[2][5][6][7][8][9] Previous US law was less strict, only punishing those having sex either in contravention of local laws OR in commerce (prostitution); but did not prohibit non-commercial sex with, for example, a 14-year-old if such sex was legal in the foreign territory."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PROTECT_Act_of_2003

With your profession you should be concerned about the legal definition of having a "position of trust."

The "position of trust under 18" anti-exploitation rules were expanded in 2005 by Bill C-2 where a judge may choose to term a situation to be sexual exploitation based on the nature and circumstances of the relationship including the age of the younger party, age difference, evolution of the relationship (how it developed, e.g. quickly and secretly over the Internet), the control or influence over the young person (degree of control or influence the other person had over the young person). This passed before the 2008 amendments, and they were not repealed so they are still in effect and can apply towards adults in these situations with young persons over the age of consent and under 18 (16-17).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_co...th_America

In the area I live, 2 male teachers / coaches were successfully prosecuted based on when their relationship with a female student started. While the youth might be 18 now, both of these guys had their lives ruined based on the "position of trust" clause.

Being a Police Officer is a position of trust. Just like a HS coach, teacher, or Doctor.

[Jess]

I live in the Netherlands. Legally, the age of 17 is not going to be an issue. Age of consent is 16 over here.
But, even if I had decided to take a chance on him, sexual contact was out of the question for me. Not (just) because his is 17 and I'm 12 years older, but I think he is too young and insecure at the moment to make a decision about that right now. I'm afraid he would consent to things just to please me and would regret is afterwards. So no, sex wasn't going to happen any time soon anyway. I have to admit I kissed him. Well, he kissed me but I didn't do anything to stop him. Perhaps a wrong decision, but it happened.

About the trust issue, actually never thought about it that way. But I can see my job fitting in that category.

Anyway, during my shift yesterday I talked to my colleague, he is also one of my closest friends, about it. He told me his view on the contact with Damian which made me think about this entire shitty situation I'm in again.

I drove the two hours to Damian last night. Went against all my feelings and told him I was not the guy for him. Not right now, not in this stage in his life. I think I broke his heart (and mine) but it feels like te right decision at this time. But boy... do I like this guy!!!! Promised him we keep contact, which I will.

Already got 6 messages from him last night and this morning. Some on which I don't know how to respond. I feel crappy!

[drobs]

Sorry for throwing US law at you but it's not unheard of for US Media &/or Law Enforcement to set up entrapment type schemes on the web. Your story made me think about this guy:

[kindy64]

I drove the two hours to Damian last night. Went against all my feelings and told him I was not the guy for him. Not right now, not in this stage in his life. I think I broke his heart (and mine) but it feels like te right decision at this time. But boy... do I like this guy!!!! Promised him we keep contact, which I will.

Already got 6 messages from him last night and this morning. Some on which I don't know how to respond. I feel crappy!

You need to tell him, if it's meant to be, it will still be the case in 2 or 3 years when he's more mature, and has some experience with guys around his own age.

Good luck

[Darius]

Probably a wise decision. Keeping touch with him might lead to unwise decisions since you both have it bad. It's not so long since many of us were 17 and we remember how hormones have a way of leading to bad choices. This is not about what's legal/illegal but what is best from someone more vulnerable than yourself. I
It sounds to me like when he kissed you that he was giving you the go ahead. You were strong then.

[Jason]

Don't buy into them when they say "I'm more mature than other people my age." I have heard that a few times.

[ShiftyNJ]

(he glams it up with hair extensions, makeup, and fake nails.)

Wow that is brave living where you do. I give him credit.