Need to vent

[Anonymous]

I feel like an absolute failure at the moment. Every day feels like a step backwards. Nothing is going my way.

My relationship with my fiance is rocky. Over the last few months he has been gone the majority of the time, and I just feel alone when he's not there. I have no friends, my family, who I don't talk to, are in another state, so I feel completely isolated. He is always complaining that I don't communicate, but when I do communicate it doesn't feel like my feelings or advice are taken into consideration.

My finances are shit. I haven't been able to make credit card payments in over 6 months. I am going to owe a significant amount of taxes because I thought the finance company was taking fee's and taxes out of cashing out of my IRA. So, I have a huge amount of debt, probably approaching 100K after I do my taxes. My car needs work, his car needs work, yet another expense I can't afford. I thought we were going to have a small break with our rent this month, but it turns out that the break came last February and I didn't notice it.

My career is stagnant. My skill set is not current, and I am older, so I feel stuck where I am. I don't have the money for retraining. I should be farther along, with a management position, and a better salary.

I am looking into bankruptcy today as there is no way I can catch up on my debts. If that is not an avenue, I have no idea what I will do.

[InbetweenDreams]

One of my co-workers said that bankruptcy was the best thing he ever did...not sure what exactly his situation was but they can't take your house, they can't take your car. Now time for me to take my own advice and not to let the debt drag you down...but I know that is really easy to say and I've been on here bellowing about my problems and yeah I'm definitely not in the same boat but even $100k can get paid off... I mean certainly would take some time.

As far as career advice, not sure what field or why exactly you think your skill set isn't current... I get the feeling the same way about myself . Like I used to do PC repair and hell I haven't had to deal with a virus or malware in probably 4-5 years and hell if I got tasked with that I'd be going off of what I knew back then, minus what I forgot. But don't think old dogs can't learn new tricks....we're humans not dogs. There are free options too, more than likely anyway. Can always see if your employer would help too, I mean I haven't been that lucky to have an employer pay for training or helping me get certifications in my field. A couple inexpensive options I think would be something like lynda.com but that depends on the field you're in.

As far as cars go, what kind of work are they needing? I mean oil changes are definitely managable, but if we're talking like timing belts, or something major a lot of that stuff can be done yourself, of course you have to have the time to do it yourself. Not sure if you're in a house or apartment, but trust me I have seen folks at their apartment in the parking lot with their car jacked up. If you're talking tires, can always get used tires or even cheap tires, just don't expect them to last and make sure you keep a spare. Have a look at YouTube Channels like Scotty Kilmer or Chris Fix they have a lot of information about how to do normal maintenance, chances are unless you have something exotic you can probably find good information.

I do relate to the feeling of being further along. I kind of missed the mark...by a long shot when I attempted going to a university back in 2005...spent a few years depressed, working fast food, not fun at all. In my experience employers rather have a go getter than someone with a bunch of letters to their name but I know that's not always the case. It certainly looks good to show you're willing to learn new skills.

The last little bit which is something I am told over and over is if you set out to succeed you probably will, but if you feel that you will fail you probably will. Of course we like to think we're rationalizing and being realistic when we think about our situations but I think we have the natural tendency to be much harder on ourselves, especially with bad news.

The only thing I can think of with the debt thing was Dave Ramsey, does have good advice as he says he's helped people out who were in tons of debt.

Hope something here helps some... I wish there were some kind of magic advice that makes problems disappear in an instant but I haven't figured that trick out either...

[Anonymous]

So, here's the conversation I just had over text:

me: I'm sorry I suck at communication. Those weeks you were working / staying in ____ really set me back. And the way things have been since hasn't helped.

him: They shouldn't have set you back? Miss me yes that's fine but shouldn't effect your mental. And things have been the way they have been because you haven't put in any effort. it wouldn't be as strained.

[matty7]

first thing is go speak to the professionals that deal with debt management buddy - I know from a friends experience in the UK that they have the power to freeze all interest payment on credit card and sort out payment to creditors while still allowing you a living amount of money - this alone was life saving for her and family , You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by finding a similar government funded help company - plus the longer you leave it the more interest is getting piled onto by any creditors you have........If you choose bankruptcy then remember Donald Trump has declared himself bankrupt many times and hes doing ok - Good luck

[InbetweenDreams]

Why do you suppose he feels that you aren't putting in any effort? Perhaps it isn't so much that as it probably is something else he is projecting? Hard to tell likewise it is hard to get into details as to not blow your cover on the thread too...

Of course when I think about things it is hard to imagine, me mainly because I've simply not made it to the point in my life where I would find myself in a relationship that has problems and whatnot. I do know that communication in general is a challenge and with the hustle and bustle, day in and day out I know I let things just slip right by me and not think a thing of it. Like I might forget to call someone, a friend or something. Lots of little things, maybe it is the little things, like saying good night for instance.... Not saying it is that specifically, but little things that I would just let slip right on by make a big impact. That has been something I have really began to realize because for many years for me no one told me good night or that I'm smart, or compliments at random. Not that they don;'t matter to me, they do, but because it wasn't something I experience I would often not think to say something like that to someone else that I admired. I try to pay attention to the small things because I do think they matter and I really like seeing them smile....maybe blush a wee bit too. It makes me happy to make someone happy and to be able to help them. I think that is the big thing to take away.

One thing i thought of, should I get into an LTR and things were going a little flat would be to start over. What did I do in the beginning that made them or I fall in love... Maybe start over with those things? Mind you this might be dumb advice and might be way off course on the subject but there's a way to make it all work out. I mean I take that you and your partner have been together for some time so imo there's a reason that still stands and no reason things can't be mended and move on.

[InbetweenDreams]

first thing is go speak to the professionals that deal with debt management buddy - I know from a friends experience in the UK that they have the power to freeze all interest payment on credit card and sort out payment to creditors while still allowing you a living amount of money - this alone was life saving for her and family , You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by finding a similar government funded help company - plus the longer you leave it the more interest is getting piled onto by any creditors you have........If you choose bankruptcy then remember Donald Trump has declared himself bankrupt many times and hes doing ok - Good luck

I'll 2nd that I will tell you I am the LAST person on Earth to take financial advice, I don't even know what options one has when dealing with that sort of stuff... I would think similar options would be possible I mean with credit cards and the interest rates I mean it's no wonder so many people in in debt, then you got knuckleheads like me playing into their game....

[Anonymous]

I shut down when he quit his job for being to stressful. He came home that night and had a drunken argument with me, in front of his best friend.

I basically shut down after that, partly from depression, and partly because he didn't really seem to be trying to spend any time with me.

He would tell me when he was working in this other city, that "it's a waste of gas to come home." But he hasn't had any problem making that trip to visit family, friends, or run "errands" ie buying pot, or giving random people rides.

[Anonymous]

After that argument, he's maybe spent half his time at home, the other in his home town.

[InbetweenDreams]

So.....how are you the one at fault on communicating? I do think need to know about what happened with this argument why it seems that has things on edge between you two... Have either of you tried to apologize or do anything sweet for each other since or has it been business only?

[Anonymous]

Oh, well, since I'm older, he thinks I should have everything figured out by now.

Night before last, I made sure dinner was ready after he picked our roommate up from work, had a nice fire going in the fireplace, dishes were all clean, laundry going. Then he came home and asked our roommate if he wanted a beer, and didn't ask me. So, I basically shut down after that. Did get a thank you for dinner.

We had another "discussion" last night about me communicating, which is basically him ranting about all our/my issues. He surprised me by making me breakfast this morning.