How to come out?

[Zet]

Hello. I've had strong feelings about comming out, but I just don't know how to lay out my cards just right. I've been thinking / planing to do it for over a half year but the topic just feels so inapropriate. Sex has never been a comfortable topic in my family, although I know that some would accept my sexuality unconditionally; but saying "Mom. I'm gay" just seem so random and awkward to say out of the blue. How do one build up / plan a comming out? How did you? Was it all spontanious or did you plan it out when and how?

My first time coming out was a "success" to a friend, in that sence that he still liked me as a friend although that the encounter was awkward as hell; and I wouldn't want my comming out to be as uncomfortable as that :redface::redface:

[Camfer]

This was 30 years ago for me, but yes, I planned the day I told my parents. I went over to their house for dinner, vowing that I would tell them at the end of dinner. Dinner ended and I hadn't said anything. "Are we going to have dessert?" I asked. That bought me another few minutes. Then I finally mustered up the courage and said, "You know my friend Elaine, right? Well just to be clear, Elaine is a good friend of mine, but she's never going to be my girlfriend, because I'm gay."

So it wasn't just out of the blue, "I'm gay." It was more you need to know that I am gay so you don't get confused about my friend. Gave me a reason and context to say it. I was a slim reason, but like you I wanted some kind of introduction.

30 years later and I still have to come out to people. I'm even better at making it no big deal now. You will probably get better at telling people too. You don't have to be perfect at it, you just need to get the point across, in whatever way you clearly and unequivocally can say it.

Good luck. It's a relief to be rid of the burden of people not knowing this aspect of you.

[Confuzzled4]

There's really no set way to come out, but it's great to hear your family seems pretty accepting, that takes away a lot of the struggle. The route I would suggest: just say to your parents or whomever, I need to have a talk. I'm coming in to my own and I will need someone to love. I want to let you know that I'm gay and hope this doesn't change how you love me. May not be what your most comfortable with, but could give you a starting point. My mother was the most difficult person to come out to, at one point she basically outright asked me and that was how I came out.

[Scootaloo]

It's really different and unique to each person how and when you come out.

For me I never really did officially "come out" It was more just kind of understood that I was gay. My family never asked, but I made it kind of obvious. Then once I started dating boys, there wasn't even a need for questions.

I remember when I was 15 that my Mom went from wondering to absolutely certain. It was that age when my friends were no longer allowed to spend the night. I remember asking my my mom "Why can't Chris spend the night" she was like "You know why" and I did know why. But it was fun before she figured it out.

[deephiance]

First thing you need to do is change your way of thinking.

Being gay is not all about sex.

Being gay is about love a another man with all of his flaws, quirks and incompatibilities. LOVE.

That out of the way, there is no instruction manual on how to come out or when to come out because everyone being an individual means having different variables and dynamics with friends, family, relgion and social attitude amongst other things.

BUTT (yes, 2 ts is an intended pun) if there was an instruction manual, you would open the covers to reveal one solitary, lonely page with 3 simple words written on it

TRUST YOUR GUT

[MikeW]

Hello. I've had strong feelings about comming out, but I just don't know how to lay out my cards just right. I've been thinking / planing to do it for over a half year but the topic just feels so inapropriate. Sex has never been a comfortable topic in my family, although I know that some would accept my sexuality unconditionally; but saying "Mom. I'm gay" just seem so random and awkward to say out of the blue. How do one build up / plan a comming out? How did you? Was it all spontanious or did you plan it out when and how?

My first time coming out was a "success" to a friend, in that sence that he still liked me as a friend although that the encounter was awkward as hell; and I wouldn't want my comming out to be as uncomfortable as that :redface::redface:

Just last night I came across something I wrote and posted in a forum over three years ago... I'll quote it for you here:

As a general rule (not 100% true), people are most comfortable with people who are comfortable with themselves.

Being comfortable with yourself, with who you are, allows other people to feel more comfortable with you as well. It's when we give *too much* importance to what we imagine other people may think of us that things get all screwed up.

As a general rule, most people don't think about us at all -- beyond, perhaps, a moment's awareness of us. Beyond that, we're as "nothing" to them as they are to us. We don't know them, they don't know us. We "exist" for each other in a passing moment and then are gone. So... why care about what they "think"? They don't "think" about us at all. Not really.

Exceptions are people we care about and who care about us: Our "families" whether blood-related or not. If they truly do *care* about us, then being 'who we are' should be relatively easy, comfortable, and comforting. You're just being yourself with them, as they are being themselves with you. There can't be much of a real relationship when people are hiding themselves behind masks, appearances.

The point is, BEING who you are as opposed to "coming out" about who or what you are is all that's necessary. Just BE it. Be yourself. Be who you are. They, the people who matter, will figure it out.

[princealbertofb]

Hello. I've had strong feelings about comming out, but I just don't know how to lay out my cards just right. I've been thinking / planing to do it for over a half year but the topic just feels so inapropriate. Sex has never been a comfortable topic in my family, although I know that some would accept my sexuality unconditionally; but saying "Mom. I'm gay" just seem so random and awkward to say out of the blue. How do one build up / plan a comming out? How did you? Was it all spontanious or did you plan it out when and how?

My first time coming out was a "success" to a friend, in that sence that he still liked me as a friend although that the encounter was awkward as hell; and I wouldn't want my comming out to be as uncomfortable as that :redface::redface:

Zet, you probably remember how I came out to my mother. I wrote her an e-mail. You can e-mail someone or write them a letter if you feel that saying the words will be awkward. Finding a reason to include it in a context can also be a good idea as suggested by [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION]. [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] is right, it's best to be comfortable with oneself, but sometimes that just puts things back until ... until ... until never, so it really is a question of letting your parents know how you feel and how you perceive that they will accept the news.

I realised, writing to my mother, and although it caused a lot of tears in the making, that she loved me, come what may, and that it was only my idea of deceiving and disappointing her that was the scariest part of it all. But ultimately it's your life and your happiness that count in their eyes. In the end, she told me she wasn't born with the last rain, so maybe your parents will have a notion, or maybe not.

I hope you find the right words to come out to them whether in writing or in conversation. Good luck.
Take care, hon.

[Cuddly]

My mum was driving me home from a gymnastics show when I told her I had a couple of things to tell her. First I told her that I loved her, which was not something we said in our family, still isn't. Then I told Her that I was gay.

She took the news well. She was a little shocked, but mostly asked concerned questions. Like how long have you known, etc.
Days later I found her crying. Her sister was dating a (as it turned out) gay guy in the 80's, who died of AIDS.
My mum, being a chronic worrier, was terrified. She was convinced I'd get sick.

One very very important conclusion I've made since I came out, is that it takes years for us to come to terms with it, so it's only fair that we accept that it can take others some time to accept it too.

[RomanticMan]

I'm not saying you should do like mine but just to give an idea .

we were online and i told her ''gotta talk to you'', she said ''dont have time right now''
and I said ''ok, let's not talk then'', then she said ''spit it out''
and I said ''I'm gay'' and she said ''that's okay, I gotta work for now, let's talk in a few hours''
I thought she would be surprised or something though.

[Marcus]

You don't need to build up or plan ahead. Just say it when you feel like it.

This is how it went for me: I was so happy about finally accepting that I could love someone after 18 years, I was tired of keeping it to myself. I loved my mother and I thought she deserved to know. One morning, while she was reading the bible, I just went to the table and sat down. I gathered my strenght and started talking, but all I could say was "Uhm...". Seeing my worried face, she immediately asked "What's the matter?"; "nothing...", I replied. She started guessing what it was and, after a few tries, she asked: "did you fall in love with a boy?". Nervous, I couldn't reply, but my face was a clear answer.
She didn't quite take it well, she was confused because she knew nothing on the subject, but a couple of years was enough to make her fully supportive. There were times when I regretted coming out to her, but it's all in the past.