Dad has stated dating a year after mums death

[Dan1980]

My dad has told me he's seeing someone and to be honest it felt like a kick in the stomach when he told me. I want him to be happy but it's knocked me a bit and I don't know how to feel or what to do?

[meridannight]

Why does it feel like a kick in the stomach? I don't really get it.

He needs someone in his life to be with and/or to love. It doesn't mean that he didn't love your mom. What is he supposed to do? Mourn forever and never be with anybody else ever again? That's unrealistic and you know it.

I understand you feel bad about it right now. But you have to get over it sooner or later. You have to be supportive of your dad. The last thing he needs from a son right now, is you balking at the idea of him being with another person.

[RomanticMan]

I think you should behave like nothing happened and try to get used to it. Maybe it's hard, but I think we shouldnt interfere with others' life much.

he also needs someone in his life. You should maybe give it a try. I think it feels tough for you, but when you look at a situation from outside, you maybe give some right to him.

[cormeum]

Why should you feel bad about it? Did you seriously think your dad will stay single forever? Do you think your mother would want it?

People come and go and die and life doesn't stop because of that. I'd understand you if your dad started to date someone the next day after your mother's death but a year is long enough time for mourning to stop and go on with life.

[Darius]

Does it feel like a betrayal of your mother or if he is trying to put her in the past?
Your father must be sixty-ish, right? Look at it as him making the most of his time he has in life.

[Camfer]

I think you feel what you feel, maybe talk to a friend about it. Your feelings are totally understandable. Maybe you can get used to the fact that your dad is starting to move on to some degree. You might even consider the possibility that your mum would approve, if that helps you accept it. If your dad knew your mum's life was going to be cut short due to an illness, then it's possible he was already coming to terms with her passing, long before it actually happened. There's no timetable for this.

Then, when you can, ask about this new person he is seeing. You might want to meet her someday. Just play it cool and excuse yourself if you get too freaked out by it. Change is strange at first, but you can get to the place where you wish them well.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It felt weird to me when my mother started dating a year or two after my dad died, but the thing is? She's lonely. She's alone all the fucking time, yeah? And that has to be really hard after living for decades with someone you've loved and come to depend on being there.

A year is more than an acceptable mourning period in most societies. Try to focus on your father's happiness, yeah? He can't be sad and lonely forever, it's not healthy.

[deephiance]

You both have grieved in a different way in a different time, and that is normal.

It is OK to still be grieving and there is nothing wrong with the way that you feel.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your Dad, but it may be worth letting him know how you feel without being critical of how he has grieved.

[princealbertofb]

My dad has told me he's seeing someone and to be honest it felt like a kick in the stomach when he told me. I want him to be happy but it's knocked me a bit and I don't know how to feel or what to do?

You know, Dan, sweetheart, everyone deals with death in a personal manner. You should maybe try seeing the good side that your dad is dating again, and is feeling able to date again and to move on from the mourning. It doesn't mean he misses his late wife any less, it just means that he's now feeling an urge to be with someone, which is a bit like the kiss of life. I understand that you think it's too soon, however it doesn't mean disrespect for your mum. Who knows if your mum isn't secretly telling him to move on, and to start dating? (a ghost from the past that some of us may feel hovering over us after they've gone). Maybe she would have wanted him to, maybe she would have encouraged him to?

Of course I don't know your personal situation and circumstances, but I feel it would be unfair to your dad to impose on him your personal standards for mourning. So it may be that you are not ready to move on, and indeed, things are a bit different for you, as you were her son, not her spouse. You will always miss her as a mother, someone irreplaceable, to be honest, as we only ever have one, really. A spouse is a bit different, since you could have had other romantic pursuits in your life before your marriage and after it, which would be part of normal life. Maybe we shouldn't idealise our parents to the extent that they would only be made for each other all their lives ?

I guess my perspective comes from the fact that my parents divorced when I was still quite young, and so I've seen my father move on several times in the course of his busy amorous life. My mother always stayed faithful to the one man she married (and divorced) and the father of her children. She felt she had the strength to do that, but both my dad and mum were very different people. Not surprisingly, they went their separate ways. My father nonetheless helped and still helps with everything to do with his ex wife's funeral and grave etc... not that he should feel beholden to it, but because, out of a sense of duty, I suppose, and respect for his children, he cares, despite not liking cemeteries, nor funerals etc.

I hope this helps you to cope with your loss, which is still too recent and raw for you, If this really bothers you, I think maybe you could have a chat with your dad just to find out his state of mind and enquire about his new life. It might throw a few things into perspective. It's best to ask him rather than speculate on his motivations and intentions, don't you agree, [MENTION=16113]Dan1980[/MENTION]?
Hugs and good wishes to you.

[Dan1980]

Does it feel like a betrayal of your mother or if he is trying to put her in the past?
Your father must be sixty-ish, right? Look at it as him making the most of his time he has in life.

It does feel like he's betraying mum, but I now he treasures his memories he has with mum.