Lies , More Lies , &. Damned Lies . .

[Beaux]

When I logged on to post this, it was a Rant ('cause I was Pissed), but the analytical voice chimed in and now I am hoping for feedback.
So, here is my question:
"Why do liars lie?"

TL/DR
I was pissed because of an incident that occurred btw my husband and my self on Monday.
The whole, drawn-out exchange is too much for me to ask you, as a reader, to bear. So, I won't even go there.
It is sufficient to say: I caught my husband in a lie (again). It wasn't a "life-altering" lie, however, it was significant enough that I had to drop everything I was doing, drive for over 2 hours, and confront someone for not doing their job in hopes of not losing a significant chunk of ca$h.
The thing is, my husband lies. A Lot. Not about anything it would make sense to lie about. He lies about things that he KNOWS I will find out about.
Two Examples:
1) When we went on vacation, I asked as we were leaving, "Did you pay the electric? I would hate to get home and have it turned off." He said, "Yep! Payed it yesterday!"
We got home to 2 refrigerators and 2 deep freezes full of maggots. AND a dead pet lizard that had frozen to death from the cold.
I was in tears. He said (no shit), "It's your fault! You know I lie and you didn't call the electric company to see wether or not I paid!"
2) I kept getting late notices from our HOA demanding payment, so I showed him the letters and asked if he had paid it yet. He became very irate, and told me, "If you weren't so fucking stupid and listened instead of running your mouth, you would remember that you asked me this last month and I just paid them! You don't understand billing cycles!"
That is when the doorbell rang. It was a Process Server, there to serve us with papers because the HOA had put a lean on our house for $936 (with late fees) for not paying our HOA Fees for over 9 months.
When I asked why he lied about paying the bill (we have PLEANTY of money), he screamed, "Because you don't give me the respect I deserve!"

I am at my wit's end. So, I am asking for opinions. Why do people (or at least ~some~ people) Lie?

~Beaux

[Cobalt]

Serious question: Why are you still with him? Not even trying to be an ass/start some shit. I'm just genuinely curious here. With those two examples alone he seems really childish/inconsiderate/rude. You don't seem to be...any of those things so I'm just wondering do the positives outweigh the negatives here?

To answer your question though: people lie for all sorts of reasons. One of them can be out of habit. They got so ingrained and used to telling lies, it's all they know to do. Lying becomes easier than telling the truth, even if a lie is more complicated. Other reasons can be psychological/personality disorders as well.

[LJay]

[MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION], my immediate reaction is to see it as an oddly two-sided behavior. Helies because he wants to avoid taking action paying the bills and he lies beause he knows he will get caught and thus get attention from you. Call your counsellor and talk this one out from your side only. Ask how to counter such behavior.

I would also take over all of the management of the bills. Personally, I do this with an online banking account which gives me plenty of documentation and reminders so that the bills get paid and I have a record of it all. If husband is not responsible then don't let him be.

You have the dedication of a saint to this man. Ever wonder why?

[TigerLover]

He's clearly a deranged ego-maniacal bastard.
Maybe he's a pathological liar, I dunno. You'd need a PHD to work out what's actually wrong with him.

If i might be so bold, is it guilt keeping you with him?
After all it sounds like he's dependent on you?

[Beaux]

Serious question: Why are you still with him? Not even trying to be an ass/start some shit. I'm just genuinely curious here. With those two examples alone he seems really childish/inconsiderate/rude. You don't seem to be...any of those things so I'm just wondering do the positives outweigh the negatives here?

To answer your question though: people lie for all sorts of reasons. One of them can be out of habit. They got so ingrained and used to telling lies, it's all they know to do. Lying becomes easier than telling the truth, even if a lie is more complicated. Other reasons can be psychological/personality disorders as well.

I am still with him for several reasons. In no apparent order:
1) He wasn't always like this, or at least not to this degree. The temper tantrums and bizarre lies all started with 2-3 months of his diagnosis of thyroid cancer, and all the doctors assured me that personality changes were not only common occur antes with that cancer, but that wi treatment he would slowly recover,
2) We are so deeply financially intertwined, that I cannot tell you where I fiscally begin and he ends. It is easy to say, "Leave" but to we are YEARS away from not having to deal with each other on a daily basis wether we stay married or not.
3) More importantly, due to the financial juggling act I find myself in trying to pay all the bills while I am simultaneously paying $1400/ month for his hotel in Atlanta (where his new job that he took without consulting me is located), even if I DID want to leave him I don't have enough money to actually get anywhere... (Not to mention, that I am disabled and unable to stand on my own, much less pack up and haul myself and all our animals somewhere else).
4) Finally, I don't believe in divorce. My parents have been married for 48 years. My grandparents married at 14 years old and stayed that way until they died. I would feel like a failure if I just "gave up". I might feel differently if he were physically abusive, as I have counseled many a person to leave an abusive spouse, but (at least for the moment) I still feel that I haven't given it my all to try and make it work.
~Beaux
P.S. Oh, and (incredibly) I still love the man I used to know. Some part of me wants to believe he is still in there...

[seeking]

Wow sorry to say but he has problems.

As Cobalt said there are lots of reason for people to lie.

From the examples you given, they are all about dodging accusation and blame as he knows he didn't fulfill those he needs to do. And also as Cobalt mentioned, judging from what you've said, it seems like he already has a habit of lying that he lies so naturally, which is really bad.

It shows that he doesn't take any responsibilities and doesn't even feel guilty at all. I think besides the lies, this is the more serious trait that you might want to consider about him. Does he ever accomplish anythings that you ask him to do at all?

no matter what, hope the best for you, Beaux!

Edited: Saw the updated reply, it's much clearer now.

[Camfer]

In this instance I think he lies because he is embarrassed that he failed to do something he should have done. It buys him some time to get it done later (he's a procrastinator) and then eventually he gets caught because he's still procrastinating. His ego needs him to be good at everything, so he lies to maintain his ego's image of himself. He sounds incapable of acknowledging his shortcomings.

As for what to do here, even though you didn't ask, arguing about recurring bills can be solved by setting up automatic payment for all these bills. Then the only responsibility becomes having sufficient funds in the account.

If cash flow is an issue, set up all bills to be auto-paid on a credit card and set up the credit card to auto-pay the minimum each month. Then you send a second payment on the credit card each month to pay as much as possible or better yet the entire balance.

[Beaux]

[MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION], my immediate reaction is to see it as an oddly two-sided behavior. Helies because he wants to avoid taking action paying the bills and he lies beause he knows he will get caught and thus get attention from you. Call your counsellor and talk this one out from your side only. Ask how to counter such behavior.

I would also take over all of the management of the bills. Personally, I do this with an online banking account which gives me plenty of documentation and reminders so that the bills get paid and I have a record of it all. If husband is not responsible then don't let him be.

You have the dedication of a saint to this man. Ever wonder why?

I am probably delusional, but on some level I have to admit that I am a MUCH stronger person now that I was before I went through all of this with my husband. It isn't an enviable strength, mind you, as I would much rather be a little weaker and have less grey hair...

I have slowly taken over paying the bills. When we first married and I offered to keep the budget, he acted as though even suggesting it was an offense to him, but as bill after Bill didn't get paid I eventually wrested control away from him. We are at a point now, where I pay over %90 of the bills, unfortunately, this most recent episode relates to moving his Federal Retirement Benefits to a public IRA and he is the only one that can do it.

The most infuriating aspect, isn't the hassle as much as it is the insanity of it all! This last misstep will end up costing us ~$1000, but he isn't bothered by it AT ALL. Worse, since I am now paying virtually all the bills, I have to figure out how to juggle everything to try and keep from having utilities turned off... Meanwhile, he simply isn't concerned! Don't have the money to pay the bills? Oh, well!That isn't going to stop him from going a shopping spree! Not his problems! They are my problems because I'm paying the bills! <driven to repetitively slam head into wall>
~Beaux

[Beaux]

In this instance I think he lies because he is embarrassed that he failed to do something he should have done. It buys him some time to get it done later (he's a procrastinator) and then eventually he gets caught because he's still procrastinating. His ego needs him to be good at everything, so he lies to maintain his ego's image of himself. He sounds incapable of acknowledging his shortcomings.

As for what to do here, even though you didn't ask, arguing about recurring bills can be solved by setting up automatic payment for all these bills. Then the only responsibility becomes having sufficient funds in the account.

If cash flow is an issue, set up all bills to be auto-paid on a credit card and set up the credit card to auto-pay the minimum each month. Then you send a second payment on the credit card each month to pay as much as possible or better yet the entire balance.

The credit card to auto-pay is a good idea. Thanks!
I tend to agree with you regarding the ego aspect, but I would have thought that EVENTUALLY he would have to admit some responsibility... I just can't fathom this complete lack of concern (it drives me mad!).
I have been working REALLY hard in changing how I react to these situations (with varying degrees of success...). Again, I may be way off base here, but I keep telling myself that my inability to get through to him is a weakness on my part and that I can do better...
~Beaux

[Beaux]

He's clearly a deranged ego-maniacal bastard.
Maybe he's a pathological liar, I dunno. You'd need a PHD to work out what's actually wrong with him.

If i might be so bold, is it guilt keeping you with him?
After all it sounds like he's dependent on you?

That is a really good question, but it isn't an easy answer. I would have to say, yes, there is definitely a layer of guilt down there (mixed in with a LOT of other emotions). I was actually preparing to file for divorce right before he was diagnosed with cancer. Then, after over 2 years of surgeries and chemo, I felt like there was a whole reverse-guilt thing going on where I felt like he was trying to placate me because I had stuck with him through the cancer. Now I just feel angry. I honestly believe that he (on some level) uses the money problems to keep me "off balance"; I don't know if I am coming or going most of the time, and I somehow feel as though he is doing it on purpose...
~Beaux