Lies , More Lies , &. Damned Lies . .

[TwisttheLeaf]

Ok, well you already know my opinion on your husband. I've mentioned it before and you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. That said, if you can't get out now for financial reasons, I get that on some level, but I think you need to start working -towards- getting there early so you're 100% ready to get out as soon as the opportunity is available to you.

I also would not be depending on that man to take care of anything important. That includes the bills. I know you are probably busy, but start dealing with them yourself instead of having him do it. Or, have him do it when you are there as witness to make sure they're done.

Now, as to why liars lie....

In your husband's case, I don't think it's glorification or laziness. @Campher has an excellent explanation (and resolution to your bills) in his response, but honestly? From some of the posts you've posted describing your husband's lies, I don't think he -has- a reason at all for -most- of the lying he does. I think it's a compulsion. And compulsions often don't have logical reasons behind them but are a split second reaction made without thought.

[Cobalt]

I am still with him for several reasons. In no apparent order:
1) He wasn't always like this, or at least not to this degree. The temper tantrums and bizarre lies all started with 2-3 months of his diagnosis of thyroid cancer, and all the doctors assured me that personality changes were not only common occur antes with that cancer, but that wi treatment he would slowly recover,
2) We are so deeply financially intertwined, that I cannot tell you where I fiscally begin and he ends. It is easy to say, "Leave" but to we are YEARS away from not having to deal with each other on a daily basis wether we stay married or not.
3) More importantly, due to the financial juggling act I find myself in trying to pay all the bills while I am simultaneously paying $1400/ month for his hotel in Atlanta (where his new job that he took without consulting me is located), even if I DID want to leave him I don't have enough money to actually get anywhere... (Not to mention, that I am disabled and unable to stand on my own, much less pack up and haul myself and all our animals somewhere else).
4) Finally, I don't believe in divorce. My parents have been married for 48 years. My grandparents married at 14 years old and stayed that way until they died. I would feel like a failure if I just "gave up". I might feel differently if he were physically abusive, as I have counseled many a person to leave an abusive spouse, but (at least for the moment) I still feel that I haven't given it my all to try and make it work.
~Beaux
P.S. Oh, and (incredibly) I still love the man I used to know. Some part of me wants to believe he is still in there...

Thanks for explaining. I figured there had to be some reasoning there, I wasn't aware of your exact situation so I wanted to know what kept you two together. I can respect your decision to stay in the relationship, as long as you're getting emotional support from somewhere even if it's not from him. Being in a relationship like this has to be emotionally draining.

From what you told me, perhaps he is lying to make things look like he has them under control, more control than what he really does. Cancer can make people feel powerless, making it seem like he has been more responsible than he really has may give him a sense of "having it together". When you realize he's failed to do something and call him out on it, perhaps this goes deeper for him than being caught in a lie. It might threaten how he feels about himself and his fate, being reminded he has failed to do something may make him face his mortality and life (or end of it) in his irrational mind. In no way am I making excuses for the behavior though. I stand by what I said earlier, that it is childish, rude, and inconsiderate. But perhaps there is more underneath the surface of his lies than just simply lies. While some people lie for the simple pleasure of doing it, most lie for a reason. It'd be interesting to see what his is.

[meridannight]

[MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION], you need a hug.

I do understand why you're with him, even as he is what he is right now. I think your strength, dedication and loyalty to him are admirable. I hope things get better somewhere.

So sorry about the lizard. Poor thing.

[deephiance]

this story rings a bell...it feels like this story has happened before in the past, 4-5 years ago.

It is definitely not your fault no matter what he says....BUT it is time to change the way you do things which unfortunately means you shouldering more of the burdens and not relying on him to do the right thing.

I admire you for sticking around, but for my cut and dry mind it would be a deal breaker.

[cormeum]

If he lies that much, why don't you pay the bills yourself? At least then you'll be sure they are really paid and won't find yourself in front of nasty surprises. If you don't have enough money for that, offer him that he gives the money meant for bills to you and you'll pay them. Or try to find some source of income, another job or something.

[Bookworm]

When I logged on to post this, it was a Rant ('cause I was Pissed), but the analytical voice chimed in and now I am hoping for feedback.
So, here is my question:
"Why do liars lie?"

TL/DR
I was pissed because of an incident that occurred btw my husband and my self on Monday.
The whole, drawn-out exchange is too much for me to ask you, as a reader, to bear. So, I won't even go there.
It is sufficient to say: I caught my husband in a lie (again). It wasn't a "life-altering" lie, however, it was significant enough that I had to drop everything I was doing, drive for over 2 hours, and confront someone for not doing their job in hopes of not losing a significant chunk of ca$h.
The thing is, my husband lies. A Lot. Not about anything it would make sense to lie about. He lies about things that he KNOWS I will find out about.
Two Examples:
1) When we went on vacation, I asked as we were leaving, "Did you pay the electric? I would hate to get home and have it turned off." He said, "Yep! Payed it yesterday!"
We got home to 2 refrigerators and 2 deep freezes full of maggots. AND a dead pet lizard that had frozen to death from the cold.
I was in tears. He said (no shit), "It's your fault! You know I lie and you didn't call the electric company to see wether or not I paid!"
2) I kept getting late notices from our HOA demanding payment, so I showed him the letters and asked if he had paid it yet. He became very irate, and told me, "If you weren't so fucking stupid and listened instead of running your mouth, you would remember that you asked me this last month and I just paid them! You don't understand billing cycles!"
That is when the doorbell rang. It was a Process Server, there to serve us with papers because the HOA had put a lean on our house for $936 (with late fees) for not paying our HOA Fees for over 9 months.
When I asked why he lied about paying the bill (we have PLEANTY of money), he screamed, "Because you don't give me the respect I deserve!"

I am at my wit's end. So, I am asking for opinions. Why do people (or at least ~some~ people) Lie?

~Beaux

Hey Beaux,

I remember you posting, way back, when your now husband came back into your life unexpectedly. I think he'd always been the love of your life if memory serves me right?

With regards to his lies and accusations, the cumulative drain his health issues have had may have taken a toll on his mental energy, and is probably responsible for the unpredictable mood swings. I seem to remember he is extremely dedicated to his job and that seems to take up much of his focus, so much so that he may not have the capacity to take on much else, including intimacy with you. However, he needs to be reminded somehow that the world doesn't revolve around him, which is what I'm seeing here, and his disrespectful attitude towards you can't and shouldn't go on. It's definitely time you sat him down and had this out with him.

The man you used to know and love may still be in there somewhere, buried under an accumulation of stress and worry, but people do change inevitably, and not always for the better. Only you can discern whether you can find the guy you fell for again, or whether you are flogging a dead horse.

Hope things work out for you Beaux

[LJay]

Sorry to admit, [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION], that I have forgotten to mention one very important thing.

You have friends here that love you and I hope that counts for something good.

[Ammon]

Wow, I thought my ex was a terrible liar!

When it comes to payments, you best make sure you do the administrations. It seems as though he needs psychological help... Atleast in the way you described him. Wish you all the luck!

[TigerLover]

I am still with him for several reasons. In no apparent order:
1) He wasn't always like this, or at least not to this degree. The temper tantrums and bizarre lies all started with 2-3 months of his diagnosis of thyroid cancer, and all the doctors assured me that personality changes were not only common occur antes with that cancer, but that wi treatment he would slowly recover,

This is an awful thing to accuse someone of but I remind you that I don't know the man.

Are you sure he's not just leveraging his cancer to get away with bullying you?
You did give him alot of power over you when you wrote off his bad behaviour as a symptom of his thyroid cancer. As the old saying goes power corrupts.

Either way your relationship is severely unbalanced and I don't think you can rely on him to re-balance it for you. Even if he does get better he's got alot of bad habits to break and he's not going to volunteer to break them.

4) Finally, I don't believe in divorce. My parents have been married for 48 years. My grandparents married at 14 years old and stayed that way until they died. I would feel like a failure if I just "gave up". I might feel differently if he were physically abusive, as I have counseled many a person to leave an abusive spouse, but (at least for the moment) I still feel that I haven't given it my all to try and make it work.

Yeah I couldn't disagree with this reason more. The average person lives 27,375 days you've got about 10,950 left. How many more are you going to spend just enduring your life. When you're dead, you're dead, the grim reaper doesn't hand out prizes for staying in a marriage.
Either repair your marriage or leave it but for the love of god don't just tolerate it. You are far too kind a man to deserve that fate.