Crushes SUCK!

[Sotkos]

Okay so I’ll kick this off by saying a few things regarding my sexual orientation. I’ve always known that something was quite different with me because, along with girls I’ve been in some cases attracted to boys as well. I live in a country that has made quite the progress regarding the matter of homosexuality but to this day it still remains a bit conservative, as in few communities (ex. The one I grew up in) homosexuals carry a certain kind of stigma. That was the only reason why I never acted on my attraction to the same sex.

Fast forwarding many years of repressed feelings I left my home town to attend University. A few months back I have met this guy. I went early for one of my classes and his was not yet over. From the first time I saw him I knew he it was different. All my inhibitions disappeared my emotional walls have been torn down. It felt like someone rewired my brain, turned something off and turned something else on. I found the courage to confess my attraction to a friend who was very supportive and helped me quite a lot. The guy in question was two years older and I couldn’t get the opportunity to approach him so I did something that I think is kinda trashy and messaged him on facebook. That took a LOT of courage. So he seemed kinda talkative but he was replying very slowly, like on a day. And then suddenly he never read or replied my last messaged to him. I never wanted to bug him out of fear he might become irritated so I left it.
As time past though my feelings grew stronger so two months after we last spoke I tried to get in touch again. This time things went a lot smoother. But it really remained along the lines of small talk about school and our everyday lives. It all got to a point where I was feeling so intensely that I would prefer to dig a hole in the ground and crawl in to die. I was choking up. So I decided to man up and talk to him about my feelings. We met at campus and I told him that I needed to have a word. I told him that I did not expect anything to happen after our discussion I just needed someone to talk to about my feelings and he was the best person to understand where I was coming from. I told him bluntly that I saw him a few months back and I immediately felt different. I something I haven’t felt before in my entire life. I added that I did not know his preferences (blatant lie I already knew he was gay) , if I had done something wrong or if he was someplace else (ex with someone else or wanting someone else). I saw he was reluctant throughout our talks but I wanted to try in case something happened. He then told me that he was reluctant because he was someplace else not clarifying, but he was happy I decided to speak up and if I wanted we could discuss again, but he clarified once more that he was someplace else. I agreed that I would want to speak with him again but when he told me because I did not want to bother him anymore. I personally think that he will never call me to speak. To be honest I don’t think he cares whether I live or die, and it hurts do fucking much to care so much for someone who is indifferent.

It generally hurts so much even after three weeks after I have done this. When we were so close together I could fly and his eyes were so beautiful when he was looking at me so sweetly but they were cutting my soul in two. Even now his voice makes me wanna curl up in a ball and die and his presence is enough to give me the shakes. Now I feel like im left alone to deal with all these awakened emotions that I just don’t know how to handle and all I want is to be with him, or hug him, or just talk to him. I just don’t know what to do with this situation.
Crushes. Fucking. Suck.

[IanSaysHi]

They do suck. Sorry you're going through this, it isn't nice. You literally have to force yourself to go out and live life regardless and try to distract yourself, keep busy and force yourself into social situations (that don't involve him). It's hard, but time and carrying on with your life are the only healers. It will get better.

[seeking]

As a person who actually goes through the same thing...I can relate. It sucks a lot.

I always feel like retarded when talking to this guy and hence I usually feel uneasy to talk to him.

Right now I think he perceives me as a rude kind of jerk because he might think I intentionally ignore / keep distant with him with reasons he doesn't understand.....while I am just actually too insecure. :/ If only he can understand.

I think you are really courageous to talk directly to him.....even if it doesn't turn out well, at least you tried. And if it's clear that he is not interested, just like what above has said, you can focus wholeheartly in something else to forget about it as time past. Better than lingering in ambiguity and suffer.

[Cridders88]

It doesn't seem like it now, but if you focus on other things and try talking to other people and distancing yourself from this guy, it will get easier. We have been there, and there really seems that you'll never get over your crush. But you do, in time. You just have to focus your energy elsewhere. Good luck . Welcome to the forum too

[Bookworm]

Crushes can be all-consuming and feel like they are completely taking over your life. They are intensely visceral but you can, and do get over them. Usually they fizzle out when you finally realise that the idyllic scenarios playing out in your mind are really not going to materialise, or you find out some hard truths about your crush that finally bursts your bubble.

It just takes time to get over. Try and focus your energies elsewhere and plough on with other interests and distractions. It will fade in time.