I just want to be a decent guy!!

[Zen]

Hmmm, wasn't sure what else to call this thread/post.

I know that there are tonnes of advice seeking threads at the moment and I hate to add to that! I've had some great advice and chat here already but just wanted to gain some more perspective.

I was chatting to my mate today, he could tell I sounded weighed down. I came out to him and his girlfriend as a few of the people that I came out to last Autumn. He could sense over the phone my sounding weighted was linked to that. He asked if the problem is that I think that I'm more likely gay than Bi since coming out. I said yes. He said his girlfriend kind of suspected as much and that coming out as Bi is probably a water tester that I wouldn't have come out, potentially, if I didn't see it changing my life somehow (a gay friend said a similar thing to me a while back).

My problem is that I am wracked with guilt at the moment. I've been with my wife ten years, we have two kids, and she didn't sign up for this. I've always gone out with women, and turned down the advances of guys when I was younger, thinking that I could get by as straight. I don't know if it's coming after the settling period but I feel that I'm way more attracted to men, always have been, and that I've done a great con trick on myself being with women. I'm finding it hard to be more intimate with her, I've been having pelvic pain lately (I wonder if it's stress related) and I find that keeps intimacy down, I feel like I'm becoming her friend. We've talked about me being maybe more gay than straight on Bi spectrum and she is being very cool and supportive.

Just wondering, do you know of any guys that have come out and maintained a straight marriage? I feel too old for starting again, my wife deserves more, and I love my kids. I feel like the world's biggest xxxx at the moment. Sorry if I sound like a complete xxxx

[IanSaysHi]

Buddy, I can only imagine how you feel. What you're going through is a big thing and the last thing you need to be doing is beating yourself up about this, so please stop that for starters.

Next thing: with this whole situation, begin by focusing on the positives. It's a testament to the relationship you have with your wife how she's reacting to this. Keep communicating with her because a wife IS a best friend and you can help each other through this.

I know of a couple of instances of guys who married, had kids but realised they had different feelings and are now in gay relationships. I don't know of any examples unfortunately where they maintained straight ones; but then I'm more likely to hear about the former outcome I guess. One thing I must stress is that in both instances, the kids still love their Dads, whatever you're going through doesn't affect your love for them and they will know this so don't worry about this.

I don't really know what else to say other than reiterating the fact that you need to keep talking to your wife and see how this plays out. And I know you feel she deserves more, but you just taking her feelings into account is worth a LOT. I've seen plenty of relationships, gay or straight where one partner has completely dismissed the other's feelings, and the relationship could have been three months old to thirty years old. There is no 'good time' for things to happen, difficult times will always be difficult.

So in summary, keep talking to her, and you always have us to talk to. But please don't put yourself down. I think in the relatively short time you've been here, anyone can tell you're a decent guy.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Been through exactly what your going through right now, although in my case I jumped in (or is that out) with both feet and came out as gay.

Was married 14 years, have two children, and was in the military for almost 20 years. Talk about complicated.

Was it life changing? Absolutely, and for everyone involved.

Did I feel guilty, yes I did, and still do sometimes.

I came out when I was 39 (Im 53 now)

Everyone is different in how an existing relationship is impacted when one partner comes out as gay. In my case it was initially supportive, and we continued to cohabit, but then became quite toxic and in the end I moved out.

There is no easy way to deal with what your going through, and every couple will experience things differently.

Im not on the forum a lot these days, but if you want to message me or talk, Im happy to give you my feedback.

Good Luck!

[matty7]

you sound like a brilliant guy with the weight of the world on your shoulders - sounds like your making everyone happy except yourself - there have been lots of gay married guys posting on here with exactly the same situation as yours since ive been a member - and i can say yes you can still be a loving dad and come out as gay - dont doubt it gonna be hard though but your spouse im guessing is more ahead of you then you realize - her been onboard for the kids sake is the big one for sure ... there's no magic wand for this one - just lots of talking and been very truthful to your partner = this is just my take on things though - wait for the wise men to arrive buddy

[TwisttheLeaf]

Just wondering, do you know of any guys that have come out and maintained a straight marriage?

I do, actually. Two different couples that both went the same route. They had kids and a marriage. One, it was the wife that finally accepted she was gay. They stayed together for the kids, not wanting to deprive them of a father or the father of being 100% present in their lives, and her girlfriend moved in with them.

The other couple was in a situation similar to yours. Their relationship eventually (after much conversation) into a friendship. They stayed married for the children and continued to live together, but the father dated others outside the home. He eventually met someone, and they introduced the boyfriend as "daddy's friend" who, as the children grew up, came to understand their father was in a relationship with the man. It was presented as "normal" from the start. Mom and dad still lived in the home with the children and "daddy's friend" and he went out, away on trips together, etc. I don't believe "daddy's friend" ever stayed the night. If so, I'd bet it was on the couch.

[Zen]

Thanks so much guys, it was a long post, thanks for reading it and making heartfelt replies, I really appreciate it! So glad I found this forum X

[matty7]

i struggle reading long post but yours was different - i hope it a; works out but its gomnna take time and i bet a few tears too - but needed

[Confuzzled4]

Generally the only stories you hear are the ones where the parents divorce such as Jim McGreevy here in the states. It happens, and I would hope with time you'll realize there's no shame or guilt to bear for feeling the way you do. It's not something you can control. The best thing is to have a sit down with your wife and really get to the heart of the issue.

[meridannight]

My take on this -- you're only 38. That's not old, and there's plenty of time for you to find a man.

If you feel like you did a number on yourself conning yourself into thinking you could just ignore your attractions to men -- how do you think you will feel 10 years from now if you continue like this? This isn't just gonna go away. And the more you try to ignore it, and not act on it, the worse it'll feel as time passes.

The only way to live is to be true to yourself, no matter what it is, and no matter what others think.

If you stay in your marriage/with your wife, just because you want to please other people (wife, kids) then that is a wrong reason to stay and it's not fair to anybody.

I'm sure there are gay men who have stayed in a straight marriage after coming out to themselves and/or others. Are they happy though? Or a better way to put it -- would they not be happier if they lived the way they truly wanted, being with a man?

Life has all kinds of difficulties. Doesn't mean you go the easy way. Doesn't mean those difficulties make for a harder/lower-quality life. You will betray yourself if you don't follow what is in your heart. And that is by far the worst kind of thing to live with in life.

[Camfer]

Actually you do sound like a decent guy. I don't think it's starting over. You might find a counselor and/or a couples counselor to help you navigate the situation.