I just want to be a decent guy!!

[RomanticMan]

Hey [MENTION=24253]Zen[/MENTION]

I must say that I totally agree with [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION]. I believe he has the best advice.

When it comes to being decent. I dont know you in person but I sense you're decent person. and admittedly, I was in the same idea with them haha. I thought you could be gay but married to a woman. I met many people in that situation in some chatting site. they do this to cover themselves. I even met a married guy who raises a homophopic child!

let's see ''starting over'' part. I believe it's totally a decision between you and your wife. You can go see a consultant as [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] said. And no one thinks you're not decent because you married to a woman. that's a cultural pressure and it's what we called what goes around comes around thing. Because culture pressed us, and gays married to staights. people should be ashamed of putting you in such a position.

and I believe we live once and we have to make our choices VERY CAREFULLY. So consultant is a must I believe.

[Zen]

Thanks again guys, really appreciate you all taking the time out to reply. I was thinking about the counselling route. Although I stepped back and asked what I could achieve, as I do now accept myself- but I guess there is a whole load of stuff to deal with and being in the closet so long, it's like the flood gates have opened, so that may be a good idea, there is a local LGBTQ org, think I will link in with them- thanks again guys! :-)

[LJay]

[MENTION=24253]Zen[/MENTION], you are not the only one who is glad you found this forum. I am sure that there are others who feel the same way. I am just one of them, but I'm sure that there are other guys here that are glad of your presence.

You are indeed a decent guy, one of a lot of fellows here that can feel proud of who he is and is glad to help others when he can. Bring whatcha got, man. This is the place for it.

[RomanticMan]

Thanks again guys, really appreciate you all taking the time out to reply. I was thinking about the counselling route. Although I stepped back and asked what I could achieve, as I do now accept myself- but I guess there is a whole load of stuff to deal with and being in the closet so long, it's like the flood gates have opened, so that may be a good idea, there is a local LGBTQ org, think I will link in with them- thanks again guys! :-)

I have a long answer to write I hope you dont get bored and read it all.
I escaped from realities for a long time. That's not only for homosexuality, I escaped from many things as well. Then I realised that it actually hurts me more. Because if i'm honest to myself, I at least detect the lie I tell to myself and others. I read this in a book and that book taught me a lot. Always be HONEST to yourself. You dont have to be honest to others, but be honest to yourself.

And I've become honest to myself in a long time. Yes, realities hurt me, but not as much as lies. Now that I'm honest to myself, I started looking for solutions to my problems. And I think of asylum procedure (I'm quite serious about that). If i hadnt admited that I couldnt live in that country with my lover, I wouldnt be looking for ways out of the country. So, honesty wins

And I learned to express my feelings honestly. If i like a guy's body, I say I like his body . Not in real life, because it jeopardize my life. If i like a t-shirt someone wears, I tell how nicely they dress. Or if i hate someone, I just keep them away from me. after being honest, I realized that happiness comes with my wishes. If i dont want a person in my life, I get rid of them. And what added me is that I behave well only the ones I care FOR REAL. Rather than pretending I like all people too much.

I tried to hard to be happy. Now I study the field I want to work in and I got some of the things I want in life.

To sum up, try not to hurt someone but be honest to yourself and express your feelings nicely. and I'm not an expert but dont get fooled about consultant issue. Find a real one specialized in that field. In Turkey, we do not have marriage consulting department, but there are many marriage consultants I dont even know how they still exist. Also, one of my psychology professor told us in the class that if a psychologist talks more than you do, that's a fake one or dont know how to do their jobs. Because psychologist gets some clues in your speech, so you should be the one who talks and express yourself.

And last but not the least, just as you're honest to yourself, be honest to the consultant. Because they should detect the problem and learn your REAL feelings to take some steps.

Finally Cheers

[deephiance]

I feel too old for starting again

GET FUCKED

I've been with my wife ten years, we have two kids, and she didn't sign up for this.

How deeply have you discussed your sexuality with your wife?

I've always gone out with women, and turned down the advances of guys when I was younger, thinking that I could get by as straight. I don't know if it's coming after the settling period but I feel that I'm way more attracted to men, always have been, and that I've done a great con trick on myself being with women. I'm finding it hard to be more intimate with her, I've been having pelvic pain lately (I wonder if it's stress related) and I find that keeps intimacy down, I feel like I'm becoming her friend. We've talked about me being maybe more gay than straight on Bi spectrum and she is being very cool and supportive.

Have you had that discussion and gone in to a bit more depth than you have here?

and she didn't sign up for this

Ignore that thought you dumb cunt.

Just wondering, do you know of any guys that have come out and maintained a straight marriage?

I don't think that would be possible to be honest, you would only end up straying and what sort of example would you be setting for your children, it's ok to bullshit yourself and everyone around you?

Seriously mate, you need to have a deeper chat with your wife because that IS what she deserves. Just because you are a faggot doesn't stop you from being the father of your children, it also doesn't make you a bad father for being a faggot. A bad father would reject their children, walk away and constantly be curing syphillus.

Be honest, be the best father you can...be the best person that you can and everything will fall in to place...I honestly don't think you are going to shock your wife and I reckon she may be waiting for you to be a bit more honest and give her permission to move on as well but maintain the strong bond as you share 2 lives together.

Suck it up princess and have that chat with your wife, she sounds lovely....and I'm fucking hot for you

[kindy64]

Well, fear was one thing that kept me in my marriage for far too long. Fear of starting over, fear of being alone, fear of disappointing my ex-wife, and son.

At 50, I finally had enough, was depressed enough to end it all. Decided that moving on from where I was, was a better option. Closed that chapter in my life and started a new one. I could have handled the transition much better, and should have done more therapy to figure things out.

[Darius]

Whatever you do, this is not a decision you can make unilaterally for your wife and children. You love them and are committed to them, so they have to play a part in everything. Remember, the grass may not be greener on the other side. You might find great sex as a gay man, but there is no guarantee you will even know the love you have in your family now.

[Zen]

Thanks again guys!

You're really giving me a lot to think about!

I've been as honest as I felt able to be at this stage. Haven't gone into the depth of my feelings for men in contrast to women- I did tell her that coming out for me was like throwing a can of paint in the air, and I'm not sure where it's all gonna land. I did ask her if she would be cool if it landed very close to me being gay. She said that, of course she'd love me but the relationship would have to end. I'm just working up to chatting further with her.

Sorry to hear what you went through [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] that's my fear- transition.


the thing that I've learnt over the last few months, it's not just about sex but emotional connection, I would never split my family up just to get laid, that would be awful.

My wife is really cool, she said honestly, she'd always love me, but that she would naturally be upset and angry if we split but would need to get over it. She's more pissed off with my family as she knows what they are like, less pissed off with me but feels I should have did what I had to do when I was young then if we somehow got together, then it might be different. But neither of us would change of our lives enough that we would never have known each other, or had our lovely, amazing kids. She's trying to help me as best as she can and told me I've only got one life, and live it as true to myself as possible. She's amazing!! I just need to move beyond her thinking I'm Bi. It's a mess alright!

Thanks again guys! :-)

[RomanticMan]

Thanks again guys!

the thing that I've learnt over the last few months, it's not just about sex but emotional connection, I would never split my family up just to get laid, that would be awful.
Thanks again guys! :-)

If you have two big blue eyes, which many Irish people have, take me for granted honey, so you wont be alone LOL. Just kidding

[Zen]

If you have two big blue eyes, which many Irish people have, take me for granted honey, so you wont be alone LOL. Just kidding

Haha! Thanks mate. Well mine are green! Not sure how you'd feel about that :-)