I just want to be a decent guy!!

[RomanticMan]

Haha! Thanks mate. Well mine are green! Not sure how you'd feel about that :-)

I would feel ok.

I would feel ok.

Hell no!

[kindy64]

coming out for me was like throwing a can of paint in the air, and I'm not sure where it's all gonna land. I did ask her if she would be cool if it landed very close to me being gay. She said that, of course she'd love me but the relationship would have to end. I'm just working up to chatting further with her.

Sorry to hear what you went through [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] that's my fear- transition.

You are already farther along than I was, you are being open and honest with your partner. Keep doing that and things will work out for all of you.

Funny what you said about throwing a can of paint in the air, I described the whole process as needing to throw my life in a wood chipper, and see what came out the other side.

Still putting the pieces together here.

[Darius]

Are you saying you won't break up your family just to have gay sex but you will if you find a guy you think is worth it? Is your wife your default relationship until something else comes along? A relationship won't just fall into your lap without you being out there looking for it, right?
If you want a relationship with a man, maybe you should be honest with your wife about that before it happens. Let her move on, too, and not be waiting for you to decide what you want. You owe her that. Most wives would be gone by now.
I know you are giving this serious thought and I know you love your wife and kids. This is no small thing.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I've been as honest as I felt able to be at this stage. Haven't gone into the depth of my feelings for men in contrast to women

This is about exactly the right place you need to be right now.

While I strongly commend your desire to be as open and honest as possible at this stage, you need to balance that honesty with how much should she know, versus how much she needs to know.

I dont know if she has started asking the deeper personal questions (the how do you know, when did you do it, and how long has it being going on for type questions) but when they come, be careful how you answer. She will be in a fragile state of mind, and you could easily say something that kicks of a torrent of abuse - I know, Ive been there.

I know you want to do the right thing, as all of us do when faced with such a complicated situation. But doing the right thing for your family mustn't exclude doing whats right for you also. I felt so guilty about everything when I went through this that I gave her everything. The house, the car, the bank account. All in the hope that it would ease the transition. It didn't, it almost bankrupted me and took me nearly 10 years to recover financially.

Trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids (I don't think you mention their ages?) may seem like a great thing to do for now, but just be aware that the pressure on both sides to maintain the outward sense of normality will be enormous, for both of you. That can leads to periods of long silences, and angry outbursts.

It took quite a few years after I was divorced before I could consider my ex as a friend again, where we share things about each others lives. My kids met my partner about 2 years after I divorced, and we've did the whole family holiday with them etc. If anything my kids are more protective of me, which can get a bit embarrassing at times...

What your going through now isn't the end of everything, its just the beginning of the next chapter.

[Zen]

Are you saying you won't break up your family just to have gay sex but you will if you find a guy you think is worth it? Is your wife your default relationship until something else comes along? A relationship won't just fall into your lap without you being out there looking for it, right?
If you want a relationship with a man, maybe you should be honest with your wife about that before it happens. Let her move on, too, and not be waiting for you to decide what you want. You owe her that. Most wives would be gone by now.
I know you are giving this serious thought and I know you love your wife and kids. This is no small thing.

You're absolutely 100% right [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION]. That's why I feel so bad, on the one hand I want to keep my family together, I realise that on the other, if I mix with more gay guys then the potential for a relationship to happen is more likely. I'd hate to just come home one day and say "guess what babe....". So absolutely, I am thinking more that I need to let her move on. I know how lucky I am, I can think of several ex girlfriends that would have slung me out on my ear. Thanks for posting mate, appreciated!

[Zen]

Are you saying you won't break up your family just to have gay sex but you will if you find a guy you think is worth it? Is your wife your default relationship until something else comes along? A relationship won't just fall into your lap without you being out there looking for it, right?
If you want a relationship with a man, maybe you should be honest with your wife about that before it happens. Let her move on, too, and not be waiting for you to decide what you want. You owe her that. Most wives would be gone by now.
I know you are giving this serious thought and I know you love your wife and kids. This is no small thing.

You're absolutely 100% right [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION]. That's why I feel so bad, on the one hand I want to keep my family together, I realise that on the other, if I mix with more gay guys then the potential for a relationship to happen is more likely. I'd hate to just come home one day and say "guess what babe....". So absolutely, I am thinking more that I need to let her move on. I know how lucky I am, I can think of several ex girlfriends that would have slung me out on my ear. Thanks for posting mate, appreciated!

[Zen]

You are already farther along than I was, you are being open and honest with your partner. Keep doing that and things will work out for all of you.

Funny what you said about throwing a can of paint in the air, I described the whole process as needing to throw my life in a wood chipper, and see what came out the other side.

Still putting the pieces together here.

Thanks mate, I think I kind of know where is landing, honestly, that's scary in a way, a big way!

Yeah I like the wood chipped metaphor- let's see what comes out on the other side.

[Zen]

This is about exactly the right place you need to be right now.

While I strongly commend your desire to be as open and honest as possible at this stage, you need to balance that honesty with how much should she know, versus how much she needs to know.

I dont know if she has started asking the deeper personal questions (the how do you know, when did you do it, and how long has it being going on for type questions) but when they come, be careful how you answer. She will be in a fragile state of mind, and you could easily say something that kicks of a torrent of abuse - I know, Ive been there.

I know you want to do the right thing, as all of us do when faced with such a complicated situation. But doing the right thing for your family mustn't exclude doing whats right for you also. I felt so guilty about everything when I went through this that I gave her everything. The house, the car, the bank account. All in the hope that it would ease the transition. It didn't, it almost bankrupted me and took me nearly 10 years to recover financially.

Trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids (I don't think you mention their ages?) may seem like a great thing to do for now, but just be aware that the pressure on both sides to maintain the outward sense of normality will be enormous, for both of you. That can leads to periods of long silences, and angry outbursts.

It took quite a few years after I was divorced before I could consider my ex as a friend again, where we share things about each others lives. My kids met my partner about 2 years after I divorced, and we've did the whole family holiday with them etc. If anything my kids are more protective of me, which can get a bit embarrassing at times...

What your going through now isn't the end of everything, its just the beginning of the next chapter.

Thanks for sharing your experience mate. She has asked me a lot of questions, I have been honest (that I've had these feelings since about 13). She's smart, I think she is noticing more and more how this is impacting us, but she's still being very loving and understanding. Hopefully it will stay that way between us.

[Zen]

Well following my post on the what's on your mind thread. I had that conversation with my wife.

Was very emotional, I feel drained and a bit lost now, as she does. I think that she was holding onto the Bi thing more than I realised and is gutted.

At one point she touched a photo of us from 10 years ago and cried. I told her that it looks like the future is going to change but the past hasn't, and that I still love her. I explained that I had lied to myself rather than her, and that I was sorry for that.

Emotions are raw, but we are thinking practically, I can stay in the home with my family, but I will most likely be in the box room going forward. Wow! How your life can change very quickly.

I've told her that I'm not interested in dating anyone at the moment and I'm not a grindr kinda guy, I just want to focus on my physical and mental health at the moment (by way of a what I'm doing for myself type thing) and making sure she and the boys will be ok.

I know anger will possibly follow at some point but as the Zen master would say "this moment, this breath"

Thanks to everyone for their support and well wishes recently! :-)

[IanSaysHi]

Well following my post on the what's on your mind thread. I had that conversation with my wife.

Was very emotional, I feel drained and a bit lost now, as she does. I think that she was holding onto the Bi thing more than I realised and is gutted.

At one point she touched a photo of us from 10 years ago and cried. I told her that it looks like the future is going to change but the past hasn't, and that I still love her. I explained that I had lied to myself rather than her, and that I was sorry for that.

Emotions are raw, but we are thinking practically, I can stay in the home with my family, but I will most likely be in the box room going forward. Wow! How your life can change very quickly.

I've told her that I'm not interested in dating anyone at the moment and I'm not a grindr kinda guy, I just want to focus on my physical and mental health at the moment (by way of a what I'm doing for myself type thing) and making sure she and the boys will be ok.

I know anger will possibly follow at some point but as the Zen master would say "this moment, this breath"

Thanks to everyone for their support and well wishes recently! :-)

Just taking this HUGE step was very brave and will give you more strength going forward. You're right - expect the unexpected as both of you deal with this. Just be patient, and however negative her reaction may get, just remember she'll be more upset with the situation than with you. However hard it gets just stay strong, be the good guy (but as someone said here I think, don't allow yourself to be punished or give up everything) and take each day as it comes.

Just remember in the long-term this is the best decision for all of you. Wishing you all the best and thanks for keeping us updated.