Coming Out Has Been The Biggest Deception In My Life
04-06-2017, 12:29 AM
Coming out has been the biggest fucking lie I've ever experienced in my life.
Everyone says it gets better when you come out. Quite simply from my experience, I can plainly say it does not. It gets harder, a lot harder.
I live on the big Island of Hawaii. I'm 25 now, I only came out last September in 2016. I wasn't even able to tell myself that I was gay until I was 23.
Hawaii in of itself is a lie. Everyone looks at it as a paradise. It's not, it's a prison. Growing up I never had friends, only one or two of them, even then, they were friends chosen by my parents. Every person I was friends with, I was told to be friends with. Not to blame my parents or the parents of my perceived friends, but you can't force friendships. If I ever live to be a parent, I'll know that fact upfront.
Having people that were supposedly my friends, when in reality they were forced friendships in retrospect probably only set me up for failure. While I liked those people that seemingly my friends they apparently they were better liar than I was. In the end they definitely didn't like me. At the very least they tolerated me. But they all cut and ran from me in the end. From that moment on, I became the unwanted, unusable untouchable thing that just existed.
So grades K through 3rd were an illusion of normality. But by the 4th grade I was the colorful frog in the jungle everybody knew to avoid, as if breathing the air I breathed would poison them.
If I wasn't avoided, I was bullied, I was constantly put down. That trended to be popular until the last day I left school. I got my GED in the middle of my second year of high school and that was the quickest escape I could get. Getting my GED was my first chance to have life redefined or reinvented for myself. That certainly was a failed attempt, and not for lack of trying.
All my formative years, were one miserable hell. The one thing could make that hell even worse was serious loneliness.
This part might make me sound like an actual asshole but here it goes ..... asians date other Asians, local boys and girls date each other, and whatever the combination might be of your ethnic or cultural background white guys are always left out whether they're gay or straight. But a typical amount of White guys are able to find someone over here in Hawaii. Now imagine those social/racial/cultural dating parameters that everyone somehow magically glues themselves to and remember the fact that this is Hawaii. In fact this is the big Island of Hawaii, it's a small Island, let alone a small gay community, let alone a small portion of that gay community being people in my age range, you can swipe all the people out of Tinder inside of five minutes, if anyone knew pops up on Tinder there probably a tourist. And with in 20 minutes you'll remember every face that has shown themselves publicly on grinder. Social media and dating apps proved to be a true reflection of my actual reality, people ignored me there too. And I'm rather attractive, not usually, but definitely handsome..... but then again that's an opinion I only have myself, and others are certainly free to judge for themselves.
However once I knew my sexuality I began to tell a few people about my sexuality. But what few gay people who were in my age range were still individuals who would barely let themselves be seen with me. Thus began what I have looked upon as the inflated self importance era.
In my experience people make themselves look available to help you, and when you open up to them they only come to fulfill you with more disappointment. This happens even in the moments when you tell them something and then you suddenly feel elated like you got it all off of your chest.
The added hypocrisy of characters like this especially strike my heart when they tell you that you can always rely on them...... they say text or call them and they will be there...... well thats bullshit. For every dark and lonely moment when I needed help, I can remember someone claiming that they would be there for me. Those lonely moments where void of help to.
I've never fallen for a guy here in Hawaii. I cant tell you why I cant move because that requires the kind of detail that would out me and thus attach me publicly to this little article.... but is always made me crazy.
There are only two guys who have ever caught my eye. They weren't prince charming's, they were normal, not an unrealistic idea of someone I would like to have in my life, but just two regular charming guys.
The first guy lets call him Alex..... is a flight attendant who does come to the Big Island from time. I kinda fell for him over the course of a few weeks of phone calls and texts. When he got to fly out here we meet up and were intimate. But when he flew home after the first time we met up in person I would have to practically have to break his arm to get a single text back from him. After the second time we met up over 6 months later, I left his hotel room feeling so used. The three hour drive home was one where I was in tears the whole time, feeling lost and used.
The 2ed guy I will call Tyler was in the process of moving here to the Big Island from California. He worked for the Trevor Project and there was hope of consistency in this potential relationship. We went on a bunch of fantastic dates. Dates I actually told my parents about which was a first for me. Then the Christmas holidays came. He flew home two weeks before Christmas. But I woke on Christmas day to a break up text, Tyler then proceeded to block me on every social media platform he could. He said he met someone else. And that was that.
I now find myself in April 2017 helping my mother out at a school event she holds every year. I've been writing this in-between helping all of the small children and teachers at this event. I help people out a lot. I'm heavily involved in my community, I know people look up to me. My family is fairly well known publicly on the Big Island so I find myself trapped on an island in the middle of the Pacific while in the public eye with nobody to express myself to or lean on.
I eat out almost every day and nobody will sit down at a bar or table with me, nobody will have a meal or drink with me. Nobody throws me flirty eyes, or even a smile that could lighten my day. The only looks I get from people are looks of judgement or pitty.
Even the LGBT community that boasts its self on propping up the members of its community has completely failed me. The only light support I seldom feel is not from the LGBT community, but from older members of my community that are 60 years plus in age and even then I can't truly open up to them, they don't really know me, they're not people that I can have a regular friendship with even, they are friends of my parents. I need people that are in my age range that I can lean on..... I need to be able to lean on my fellow millennials who have failed me at every step. As I write this out I know I'm saying to contradicting things. (what an idiot I am)
Coming out does not make things easier. I now view coming out as a cruel and impractical joke. People talk about it as if it makes life better, that makes life simpler, that it can define you for the betterment of your life. In reality the appeal or dream of coming out is an allusion, it in my opinion sets unrealistic standards, and people always throw around the cliché line, it gets better when people like me are faced with such difficulties. Personally I call bullshit on that entirely.
Not to say that coming out makes things better for some people, but for me it's been the most stressful infuriating and miserable part of my life that has me thinking about living in general. I've never going to the movies with somebody my own age, not since seeing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
People say you're responsible for making your own happiness.
And yet every time somebody's told me that, I wish I could tell them to look up their own social media feeds and tell me that other people weren't propping them up significantly.
Maybe they're lying on their social media feed, but at a bare minimum I see an observable reality where at least they have people in their lives, so when they tell me I'm responsible for my own happiness it only infuriates me and makes me feel like I'm too small to understand.
I've done everything imaginable to make new friends, forge new relationships of any kind, and to this day I don't have any friends my own age, the only friend I have here on the island is 39 years old, has two kids, and at one point two years ago was juggling eight women at the same time. Clearly he is an individual I can relate to (yeah right).
I woke up this morning with a new level of misery. I was wondering if I have really felt suicidal before. I had thought about it sure...... but had I really thought about it and have felt comfortable with those feelings before? This morning is been a new low for me, and nothing to emotionally trigger me into it.
I've always entertained those dark life ending thoughts and ideas, but this morning is the first morning where I thought it was a practical reality, and the more I thought about it the more it made sense. I don't want to scare anyone reading this any further but to be completely honest, maybe I'm still alive because I have an ego the size of Antarctica. But that ego has only been self fulfilling for only so long. I fear my ego is no longer a resource I can lean upon for my life.
My options are dry. I'm very smart, I grew up around adults for the most part, I analyze things, and over analyze things. I don't talk about things in public in anyway, this write up I'm doing is the first time for me being this open. But how is it every time I open up to someone one on one, they end up using me, is there no one around me in my own age range of seeing that I need help.
When you want to just end it all you only rely on yourself, and let me tell you.......just thinking about that is terrifying.
Everyone says it gets better when you come out. Quite simply from my experience, I can plainly say it does not. It gets harder, a lot harder.
I live on the big Island of Hawaii. I'm 25 now, I only came out last September in 2016. I wasn't even able to tell myself that I was gay until I was 23.
Hawaii in of itself is a lie. Everyone looks at it as a paradise. It's not, it's a prison. Growing up I never had friends, only one or two of them, even then, they were friends chosen by my parents. Every person I was friends with, I was told to be friends with. Not to blame my parents or the parents of my perceived friends, but you can't force friendships. If I ever live to be a parent, I'll know that fact upfront.
Having people that were supposedly my friends, when in reality they were forced friendships in retrospect probably only set me up for failure. While I liked those people that seemingly my friends they apparently they were better liar than I was. In the end they definitely didn't like me. At the very least they tolerated me. But they all cut and ran from me in the end. From that moment on, I became the unwanted, unusable untouchable thing that just existed.
So grades K through 3rd were an illusion of normality. But by the 4th grade I was the colorful frog in the jungle everybody knew to avoid, as if breathing the air I breathed would poison them.
If I wasn't avoided, I was bullied, I was constantly put down. That trended to be popular until the last day I left school. I got my GED in the middle of my second year of high school and that was the quickest escape I could get. Getting my GED was my first chance to have life redefined or reinvented for myself. That certainly was a failed attempt, and not for lack of trying.
All my formative years, were one miserable hell. The one thing could make that hell even worse was serious loneliness.
This part might make me sound like an actual asshole but here it goes ..... asians date other Asians, local boys and girls date each other, and whatever the combination might be of your ethnic or cultural background white guys are always left out whether they're gay or straight. But a typical amount of White guys are able to find someone over here in Hawaii. Now imagine those social/racial/cultural dating parameters that everyone somehow magically glues themselves to and remember the fact that this is Hawaii. In fact this is the big Island of Hawaii, it's a small Island, let alone a small gay community, let alone a small portion of that gay community being people in my age range, you can swipe all the people out of Tinder inside of five minutes, if anyone knew pops up on Tinder there probably a tourist. And with in 20 minutes you'll remember every face that has shown themselves publicly on grinder. Social media and dating apps proved to be a true reflection of my actual reality, people ignored me there too. And I'm rather attractive, not usually, but definitely handsome..... but then again that's an opinion I only have myself, and others are certainly free to judge for themselves.
However once I knew my sexuality I began to tell a few people about my sexuality. But what few gay people who were in my age range were still individuals who would barely let themselves be seen with me. Thus began what I have looked upon as the inflated self importance era.
In my experience people make themselves look available to help you, and when you open up to them they only come to fulfill you with more disappointment. This happens even in the moments when you tell them something and then you suddenly feel elated like you got it all off of your chest.
The added hypocrisy of characters like this especially strike my heart when they tell you that you can always rely on them...... they say text or call them and they will be there...... well thats bullshit. For every dark and lonely moment when I needed help, I can remember someone claiming that they would be there for me. Those lonely moments where void of help to.
I've never fallen for a guy here in Hawaii. I cant tell you why I cant move because that requires the kind of detail that would out me and thus attach me publicly to this little article.... but is always made me crazy.
There are only two guys who have ever caught my eye. They weren't prince charming's, they were normal, not an unrealistic idea of someone I would like to have in my life, but just two regular charming guys.
The first guy lets call him Alex..... is a flight attendant who does come to the Big Island from time. I kinda fell for him over the course of a few weeks of phone calls and texts. When he got to fly out here we meet up and were intimate. But when he flew home after the first time we met up in person I would have to practically have to break his arm to get a single text back from him. After the second time we met up over 6 months later, I left his hotel room feeling so used. The three hour drive home was one where I was in tears the whole time, feeling lost and used.
The 2ed guy I will call Tyler was in the process of moving here to the Big Island from California. He worked for the Trevor Project and there was hope of consistency in this potential relationship. We went on a bunch of fantastic dates. Dates I actually told my parents about which was a first for me. Then the Christmas holidays came. He flew home two weeks before Christmas. But I woke on Christmas day to a break up text, Tyler then proceeded to block me on every social media platform he could. He said he met someone else. And that was that.
I now find myself in April 2017 helping my mother out at a school event she holds every year. I've been writing this in-between helping all of the small children and teachers at this event. I help people out a lot. I'm heavily involved in my community, I know people look up to me. My family is fairly well known publicly on the Big Island so I find myself trapped on an island in the middle of the Pacific while in the public eye with nobody to express myself to or lean on.
I eat out almost every day and nobody will sit down at a bar or table with me, nobody will have a meal or drink with me. Nobody throws me flirty eyes, or even a smile that could lighten my day. The only looks I get from people are looks of judgement or pitty.
Even the LGBT community that boasts its self on propping up the members of its community has completely failed me. The only light support I seldom feel is not from the LGBT community, but from older members of my community that are 60 years plus in age and even then I can't truly open up to them, they don't really know me, they're not people that I can have a regular friendship with even, they are friends of my parents. I need people that are in my age range that I can lean on..... I need to be able to lean on my fellow millennials who have failed me at every step. As I write this out I know I'm saying to contradicting things. (what an idiot I am)
Coming out does not make things easier. I now view coming out as a cruel and impractical joke. People talk about it as if it makes life better, that makes life simpler, that it can define you for the betterment of your life. In reality the appeal or dream of coming out is an allusion, it in my opinion sets unrealistic standards, and people always throw around the cliché line, it gets better when people like me are faced with such difficulties. Personally I call bullshit on that entirely.
Not to say that coming out makes things better for some people, but for me it's been the most stressful infuriating and miserable part of my life that has me thinking about living in general. I've never going to the movies with somebody my own age, not since seeing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
People say you're responsible for making your own happiness.
And yet every time somebody's told me that, I wish I could tell them to look up their own social media feeds and tell me that other people weren't propping them up significantly.
Maybe they're lying on their social media feed, but at a bare minimum I see an observable reality where at least they have people in their lives, so when they tell me I'm responsible for my own happiness it only infuriates me and makes me feel like I'm too small to understand.
I've done everything imaginable to make new friends, forge new relationships of any kind, and to this day I don't have any friends my own age, the only friend I have here on the island is 39 years old, has two kids, and at one point two years ago was juggling eight women at the same time. Clearly he is an individual I can relate to (yeah right).
I woke up this morning with a new level of misery. I was wondering if I have really felt suicidal before. I had thought about it sure...... but had I really thought about it and have felt comfortable with those feelings before? This morning is been a new low for me, and nothing to emotionally trigger me into it.
I've always entertained those dark life ending thoughts and ideas, but this morning is the first morning where I thought it was a practical reality, and the more I thought about it the more it made sense. I don't want to scare anyone reading this any further but to be completely honest, maybe I'm still alive because I have an ego the size of Antarctica. But that ego has only been self fulfilling for only so long. I fear my ego is no longer a resource I can lean upon for my life.
My options are dry. I'm very smart, I grew up around adults for the most part, I analyze things, and over analyze things. I don't talk about things in public in anyway, this write up I'm doing is the first time for me being this open. But how is it every time I open up to someone one on one, they end up using me, is there no one around me in my own age range of seeing that I need help.
When you want to just end it all you only rely on yourself, and let me tell you.......just thinking about that is terrifying.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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