05-15-2017, 02:15 PM
Normally, I love puzzles but this one has me stumped. Forgive the length and complexity!
Last October, I met a great guy in NYC - handsome, intelligent, funny, successful with a good job, and 20 years my junior.
Being twice divorced (one straight, one gay), I was eager not to make the same mistakes a third time. Previous relationships took advantage of me a bit - I'm chronically nice and naive on some things. I should add that I'm a full time single dad of 3 great kids (19,14,12), and that I have two jobs.
So, I met "B" online and we really got along well. Living outside of NYC, it was difficult for me to get away from work and kids, so "B" came to visit in the first week and never left. I wondered about his job, but he said he was doing most of it via email. Occasionally, he'd leave for NYC - doing an all-nighter to catch up on work. At home, he stayed in the guest room because of the kids. I got a bit frustrated that there was no sex, but I respected his wishes not to rush things "for first month" especially with kids in the house.
Then, a month passed and I got excited, but now it's been 8 months and he still lives in the guest room. We've had sex 3 times and he was almost resentful of it.
Then he told me why. He'd just been diagnosed with HIV, lost his job and apartment, and both his parents had died during the summer.
I could relate. Since we met, I'd had to turn off my father's ventilator and dad's death then triggered my brother's suicide - it was a rough winter and I was glad, at least, for his companionship.
I got suspicious though and figured out (online) that his parents were very much alive - a dated newspaper photo of them running a marathon! He then fessed up that he'd lied - that it had to do with his HIV diagnosis and having no insurance or doctors.
Because the job turned out to be a lie (he was really drinking heavily in NYC and on Grindr). After borrowing my credit card 3 times and partying so hard on it that I had to cancel it 3 times as "stolen" (Who drinks $500 away in one night?). One of those events was when I was at my father's deathbed and "B" said he couldn't come because of "work" - in the hospital I was getting calls from the credit card company asking if I was spending $500 in NYC. I was naive enough to forgive him three times.
All this time, I should add, he was fabulous with my kids. They love him. He cooks, cleans, helps with homework, etc. Yet, all this time, he literally would not let me even touch him.
He eventually "confessed" that he had cheated on me (in MY car!) "just to see if he still had a sex drive" - if it was him or me - he did it for me??
I eventually figured out that he had a major alcohol problem. His whole life was hard drinking and partying in NYC and Fire Island. All his stories of sexual exploits were about having sex in exchange for a place to sleep, drugs, and drink. In other words, I had attracted the exact same "type" yet again. I was crushed thinking I had made sure I didn't repeat the mistakes of prior marriages, and yet under all the lies I had exactly the same as before.
We had a horrible fight in February when he got drunk, tried to steal money from me to go to NYC.
Suspicions by this point totally drove me to snoop on him - tons of Grindr sexting conversations, the lies, the cheating, the stealing. I snooped on his phone, Facebook, and I even recorded him once. Right after the fight, I was stupidly worried that he was homeless in NYC and might commit suicide (he threatened several times after his HIV diagnosis).
After 4 days of breakup, he got in touch and apologized.
We talked and I agreed to take him back on two conditions: No more alcohol & couples' therapy.
So, he came back in February and has not had a drink since. He just finished an online Real Estate course (I paid) and I got him a job with a local broker-friend. I met his parents for the first time a couple weeks ago, but I've still never met a single friend of his - I was starting to worry that he was an hallucination!
While things are much better with him now that he's off alcohol and has a job, he still lives in the guest room. He swears he loves me but he's just "asexual", having used sex to get what he wanted in the past.
Yet, 8 months is a long time to be celibate. I was formerly a celibate monk from the age of 18-28 (long story!)
He has real intimacy avoidance issues - he can touch, but I cannot. Even after 2 family deaths, there was very little affection or comfort. He is like an android - devoid of emotions or affection without alcohol.
Since he came back in February, there seems to be no more cheating or lying, but I pretty much gave up snooping on him as it was making me paranoid.
Either he is growing into this (slowly) or he is playing me. I cannot tell. I have invested a lot in this relationship - not just financial, but my public reputation, my children's affection, time, energy, etc. I was in love with him, but now I've suppressed those feelings until he makes up his mind.
He told me 2 weeks ago (as he was finishing his Real Estate course) that he knows it isn't fair to keep me hanging - that he needs to decide on a life of responsibility with me and kids, or his former life of Fire Island parties.
I'm so deeply into all this that I simply cannot tell which way is up - neither can our very good couples therapist.
So, I'm polling the audience for wisdom. Advice?
Many thanks
Last October, I met a great guy in NYC - handsome, intelligent, funny, successful with a good job, and 20 years my junior.
Being twice divorced (one straight, one gay), I was eager not to make the same mistakes a third time. Previous relationships took advantage of me a bit - I'm chronically nice and naive on some things. I should add that I'm a full time single dad of 3 great kids (19,14,12), and that I have two jobs.
So, I met "B" online and we really got along well. Living outside of NYC, it was difficult for me to get away from work and kids, so "B" came to visit in the first week and never left. I wondered about his job, but he said he was doing most of it via email. Occasionally, he'd leave for NYC - doing an all-nighter to catch up on work. At home, he stayed in the guest room because of the kids. I got a bit frustrated that there was no sex, but I respected his wishes not to rush things "for first month" especially with kids in the house.
Then, a month passed and I got excited, but now it's been 8 months and he still lives in the guest room. We've had sex 3 times and he was almost resentful of it.
Then he told me why. He'd just been diagnosed with HIV, lost his job and apartment, and both his parents had died during the summer.
I could relate. Since we met, I'd had to turn off my father's ventilator and dad's death then triggered my brother's suicide - it was a rough winter and I was glad, at least, for his companionship.
I got suspicious though and figured out (online) that his parents were very much alive - a dated newspaper photo of them running a marathon! He then fessed up that he'd lied - that it had to do with his HIV diagnosis and having no insurance or doctors.
Because the job turned out to be a lie (he was really drinking heavily in NYC and on Grindr). After borrowing my credit card 3 times and partying so hard on it that I had to cancel it 3 times as "stolen" (Who drinks $500 away in one night?). One of those events was when I was at my father's deathbed and "B" said he couldn't come because of "work" - in the hospital I was getting calls from the credit card company asking if I was spending $500 in NYC. I was naive enough to forgive him three times.
All this time, I should add, he was fabulous with my kids. They love him. He cooks, cleans, helps with homework, etc. Yet, all this time, he literally would not let me even touch him.
He eventually "confessed" that he had cheated on me (in MY car!) "just to see if he still had a sex drive" - if it was him or me - he did it for me??
I eventually figured out that he had a major alcohol problem. His whole life was hard drinking and partying in NYC and Fire Island. All his stories of sexual exploits were about having sex in exchange for a place to sleep, drugs, and drink. In other words, I had attracted the exact same "type" yet again. I was crushed thinking I had made sure I didn't repeat the mistakes of prior marriages, and yet under all the lies I had exactly the same as before.
We had a horrible fight in February when he got drunk, tried to steal money from me to go to NYC.
Suspicions by this point totally drove me to snoop on him - tons of Grindr sexting conversations, the lies, the cheating, the stealing. I snooped on his phone, Facebook, and I even recorded him once. Right after the fight, I was stupidly worried that he was homeless in NYC and might commit suicide (he threatened several times after his HIV diagnosis).
After 4 days of breakup, he got in touch and apologized.
We talked and I agreed to take him back on two conditions: No more alcohol & couples' therapy.
So, he came back in February and has not had a drink since. He just finished an online Real Estate course (I paid) and I got him a job with a local broker-friend. I met his parents for the first time a couple weeks ago, but I've still never met a single friend of his - I was starting to worry that he was an hallucination!
While things are much better with him now that he's off alcohol and has a job, he still lives in the guest room. He swears he loves me but he's just "asexual", having used sex to get what he wanted in the past.
Yet, 8 months is a long time to be celibate. I was formerly a celibate monk from the age of 18-28 (long story!)
He has real intimacy avoidance issues - he can touch, but I cannot. Even after 2 family deaths, there was very little affection or comfort. He is like an android - devoid of emotions or affection without alcohol.
Since he came back in February, there seems to be no more cheating or lying, but I pretty much gave up snooping on him as it was making me paranoid.
Either he is growing into this (slowly) or he is playing me. I cannot tell. I have invested a lot in this relationship - not just financial, but my public reputation, my children's affection, time, energy, etc. I was in love with him, but now I've suppressed those feelings until he makes up his mind.
He told me 2 weeks ago (as he was finishing his Real Estate course) that he knows it isn't fair to keep me hanging - that he needs to decide on a life of responsibility with me and kids, or his former life of Fire Island parties.
I'm so deeply into all this that I simply cannot tell which way is up - neither can our very good couples therapist.
So, I'm polling the audience for wisdom. Advice?
Many thanks
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