Today Told it All

[abcd1234]

I just wanted to give an update. If you remember back in February I told you about my friend of almost 40 years whose mother died. I didn't go to the wake and she sent me a venomous email. Well it's 3 months now so today like I do every mother's day for the past 3 years I posted a facebook message wishing my mom a happy Mother's day in heaven. Well every year she usually either hits the like button or makes a comment. This is the first time she didn't. I guess after 3 months she hasn't cooled down and doesn't want to associate with me in any way,shape or form. Kind of a long grudge just because I didn't go to her mom's wake. Well seeing that other friends and family posted nice comments to me made me realize I do have very nice people in my life and I shouldn't obsess with this one hardhearted bitch. In a way this gives me closure because this tells me that her decision and opinion of me is dead set and she's not yielding for shit. If she's gonna hold a lifelong grudge over this she couldn't have been much of a friend to begin with. She still didn't unfriend me on facebook so I know she sees all of my posts. One friend of mine commented that I'm a great guy and said my mom did a good job raising me. I'm sure she read that and that was probably like a needle in her fat ass. I'm sorry I sound bitter but I just don't get people who hold constant grudges.Life is too short and it's no good for them as they carry around that negativity for the rest of their life. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

[Darius]

You could be at risk of becoming one of those people who holds constant grudges, if you are not careful.

[MHJG]

To me, three month time is short. She may already get over it and ignore your post happily or not.
If your life is okay without her, never care about her 'like'.

[MikeW]

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Be careful what you ask for!

I agree with you about people who hold grudges. Life is too short. I also think obsessing about someone else's unfavorable behavior toward or opinion of us is just as bad. Don't get me wrong, I do it too... I imagine many if not all of us do to some extent.

The guiding principle of my life is I can't change anyone but myself... and even that isn't easy. I try to understand why some things 'get' to me. Why do I feel "hurt" when someone "rejects" me, for example. Rejection can show up in many ways but my *reaction* to it is often the same: I feel "butthurt." Ok, why?

For me this "butthurt" is like an energy, a tension, I can palpably feel inside my body. There's a bit of adrenaline rush associated with it. There seems to be some shame and guilt mixed in there along with fear of some sort. (I'm talking about me, I have no idea how you experience it.)

In *some* cases what I feel along with the "butthurt" is a repressed anger. This happened with me and a total stranger that, unfortunately, due to our schedules, I crossed paths with almost every day. This wasn't something that could be 'resolved' with some exchange of words. There was open hostility directed toward me and a very clear message to stay the fuck away. I knew *I* hadn't done anything to deserve this attitude. Nothing to apologize for whatever. Its not like I obsessed about this all the time but *because* I was reminded of it directly almost every day, each time it happened I had to 'work on myself' about it. Work at letting it go. Work at not letting myself get caught in the obsessive thinking. Not letting my anger generate negativity that influenced me and how I lived my day. (BTW, I don't know but I feel fairly certain that the hostility that I'd gotten directed at me came from a man who was experiencing a lot of stress. I wasn't the REAL target, just the lightning rod. If I'm not careful I can sometimes do the same thing: Go off on people who don't deserve it.)

It's interesting. For the most part, I live a "drama free" life. That's not to say there's no drama. It's just that when it shows up, I try to look at it as something to learn from. What can I learn about myself (and perhaps other people) by understanding the emotional energy dynamics that go on in and around me?

[Genersis]

If you haven't been in contact since the email, then neither of you have had a chance to move beyond it. With that in mind, it wouldn't surprise me if she still is not fond of you. Likewise, it seems you haven't moved passed what happened, nor seem particularly fond of her either.

Seems you can either decide to try and stop caring about whether she's okay with you or not, or try and make amends.
No point getting upset at small indicators that she might still be upset too. Especially if there's no intent to actually improve things.

[abcd1234]

Thanks guys, I think it's just that I'm resentful of that overkill email she sent me.I'm sorry I didn't come back with a retort but people tell me that silence is the best thing. 2 wrongs don't make a right. The good thing is that I feel much less guilty then I did 3 months ago. Instead of feeling that I was the most horrible person I now feel like a person who just made a mistake because he's only human and not a villain. Where at first I felt shame and guilt I now feel that anger and the fact that she really didn't have to be that mean for the sake of being mean. Instead of hating myself I realize she's just a very abrasive person to put it mildly. I admit at times when I thought about it I wanted to strangle her,but now I'm looking at all the other good people I have in my life and how they respect me. They always say to look at what you have,not at what you don't have.

[matty7]

my take without reading other responses is you still miss your friend or you wouldn't even post about it , also she has dug herself in a hole and maybe she doesn't know how to get out of it after sending you a hurtful email - one of you has to bite the bullet and make contact ... she didn't delete you on Facebook and that for me says she still cares - just reach out .....you hate each other right now and if if it goes wrong then you can carry on hating each other - but if it works out then you can rebuild your relationship = life is too damn short

[Camfer]

I think you are reading a lot into the fact that someone didn't "like" or comment on a facebook post you made. If you want to know what's really going on with your friend, you have to contact her directly and talk to her. If you don't want to contact her, then no need to make up reasons behind her actions or inactions.

[IndividuellaUni]

Yeah, definite bitterness on the OP here.

I, for one, don't really hold grudges - unless you anger me in such a way that I am most vile... Which has not happened in many years here.

I've had people just stop talking to me out of the blue, and for no reason. I just let things go, and go on my merry way. I'd rather pave my own path than worry about what others think about me. If those want to actively be my friend or whatever, then so be it. Just don't cross my path.

[CellarDweller]

Does she have a reason to hold a grudge?

Were you sick during her mother's wake, or did you just not want to go? If that's the case, then I understand her anger. No one 'wants' to go to a wake, but you go to support your friends.