Why did I get ghosted?

[kai35]

I'm a professional 20-something with plenty of experience with "first dates" -- successful ones as well as being on the giving and receiving end of rejection. Sometimes that rejection has came in the form of ghosting, where the person does not say anything and ignores attempts at communication. But last week was a different situation. We had been talking online for a couple weeks. We finally met for drinks and talked for about three hours. I felt like we were clicking really well and there seemed to be chemistry. He invited me to come over to his house (or asked if he could come to mine if I would be more comfortable, but that he would need to spend the night if we were to drink more). I went to his house and we talked for another few hours but I was dead-set on not hooking up. During the evening there were some red flags. He knows that I am Catholic and so I'm rather reluctant to get physical immediately (although I've been known to do it). He also took note of my education (I have two masters and a doctorate), and while he’s accomplished himself, he told me that my education level is “intimidating” and that I’m out of his league. I tried to downplay it as much as I could. We ended up sleeping together and got somewhat physical, but hands only and undergarments on. He certainly had the opportunity to go further and I wasn’t resisting anything. We spent the night cuddling, which was really nice. I left feeling pretty good and glad that I didn’t give in to sex so quickly. We didn’t set up a second date because we were both busy for the holiday weekend. I went to text him Monday to see how his weekend was, but never got a response. So basically I’ve been left baffled. I was really hopeful about this one, because he’s good looking and lives unusually close (I’m in kind of a remote area)…and he says he’s looking for someone educated, motivated and attractive and said that I am all of those things. I have no idea why he would stop talking. I do know that he just got out of a two-year relationship a few months ago and that he still finds his ex physically attractive (they own a house together, but no longer live together)… but he broke up with his ex because he didn’t see a future. Any insight? I want to know if there's anything I did wrong that I didn't see so I can avoid this happening in the future. I don't fall for people often, but when I do, it's fast -- but I am avoidant and reluctant to show it or be clingy (probably to a fault).

[InbetweenDreams]

Well him saying he seen you out of his league could be a reason, some people have crippling insecurities and feeling that you're way out of his league could have scared him off. That doesn't mean go chasing after him. Someone who is very insecure can be a problem, that's not to say that most people have some insecurities...

The other thing being that he was really looking for sex or was expecting sex, found another guy, never got your text (assuming you only texted him once).

People are funny. I have been on a lot of first dates, used to bother me more, now I care less and I try to get over all the physical stuff. Yeah sure, I'd love to date someone who's a 10, but that doesn't mean their personality is a 10 and seldom do you find someone who is good looking and isn't a complete ass or find out they're an ass 6 months...or 2 years later.

Speaking of the whole money thing. I once dated someone, briefly, that was destined to get into...let's just say, for privacy sake, the IT sector. I also work in IT but I don't make a lot of money... I guess he has it in head he's going to make sooo much more money than I that he thought I would begrudge him because he would likely make double what I make. Frankly, aside from the mere fact you need money and I wouldn't want someone being angry with me because I make less or more than they do...I get that, but I feel like if my sister and her husband can make it work then why can't two guys.

Either way, whether they have a high school diploma or a doctorate, you want someone who is emotionally mature.

[kindy64]

Let's see, Monday was still a holiday, so perhaps, he returned to his job yesterday, or maybe even just today to a buttload extra amount of work to do, leaving him drained and not wanting to communicate...

Another thought is that, perhaps, he's got the feels for you, and that scares him to death...

Another thought is that, perhaps, he had a mishap over the holiday, and ended up going to the hospital.

OR as happened to 2 people here at work, they had a death or illness in their family.

2 days is hardly enough time to say someone is blowing you off. All it says is that communicating with you, at this time, is not a priority.

Also, just a tip for posting, there's this thing on your keyboard called the "enter" key. Would do wonders for readability of your text.

In any case, I'd maybe text him tomorrow after work, ask him how he's doing, and see if he would like to meet over the weekend. Leave it at that, no follow up unless he communicates back.

[InbetweenDreams]

Also, just a tip for posting, there's this thing on your keyboard called the "enter" key. Would do wonders for readability of your text.

Do you have a small monitor or something or did someone piss in your Wheaties? Looks fine to me, although yeah I suppose breaking it up into a couple paragraphs might have been better, but... is it necessary?

I suppose I should write everything in Times New Roman, 12 pt font and 0.5 inch indent.

Otheriwse, [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] won't be happy and I'll get a bad grade!


Also [MENTION=24494]kai35[/MENTION] first post here, so maybe a welcome to the forums would be nice...

That all being said. Yes, text messaging and the instant gratification of the communication medium often leads to more problems as we start jumping to conclusions why someone hasn't responding in x minutes, hours or days. All we're left with is speculation. Which is important [MENTION=24494]kai35[/MENTION] to note but also realizing that you shouldn't get tied up into knots over someone you only just met.

[matty7]

its a sign of the times - sometimes if its not life changing withing the first 10 minutes they move along , no one has the attention span to even try anymore to make something work - nothing you have done has caused his lack of communication - sounds like he just cannot be bothered especially after a recent break up

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=18997]matty7[/MENTION] I think younger people just don't know how a relationship works. Seems everyone thinks the ball is only in their court and their the only ones who matter. Of course I don't think people see themselves like this, but they sure do act like it. Anyway, people are weird, it can be a lot of things, however I feel that these days you literally have to spell out everything, so god forbid if you're too shy to say something.

What I hate is being played, after expressing yourself and then being on a emotional roller coaster for an extended period of time while they can't make up their mind or whatever and get into the whole friend zone crap but whatever is convenient for them is all that matters.

[kai35]

Yeah insecurity is certainly a possibility. He made it clear on his (very short) Tinder profile that he's looking for "educated" guys. So the fact that he may be intimidated by my education is bewildering to me. Especially considering he's an engineer, so he's no intellectual lightweight. I do feel like there are residual ex issues that he's not completely over. I'm no stranger to that. It took me a whole 4 years to fully get over my ex, and while I "dated" during that time, deep down I knew I couldn't get too close to someone. Still, I never ghosted anyone in this manner. Especially not someone who I found interesting enough to invite to my home.

[kai35]

Let's see, Monday was still a holiday, so perhaps, he returned to his job yesterday, or maybe even just today to a buttload extra amount of work to do, leaving him drained and not wanting to communicate...

He runs his own company and sets his own hours, so I doubt he's drained or otherwise occupied. Besides, I've seen him "online" on a dating app that we both use. Not that I am stalking him. We just live in a rural area and he's one of the closest people in my geographic area, so you can't miss it. Barring him not receiving my text message, he's intentionally not communicating with me. It's fine if he doesn't want to hang out, but it's a dickish move to not say so IMHO...

And yeah.. I could've made better use of paragraphing my initial post. My internet has been down all day and I've been connecting via mobile.. so I haven't been meticulously editing my posts.

[kai35]

The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is an "ex" issue. He talked about his ex more than one would expect someone who is "over it" to do so. He was also seemingly reluctant to kiss me. He did, but he said it was because I was leaning in. I'm usually reserved/shy in that regard, but he told me he was trying to get me drunk. And even though I was trying to avoid any kind of physical contact (I've had bad experiences with doing that too early in a dating scenario).. get a few drinks in me and in a room with a guy who's shown some level of interest and I'm a lost cause. Between him saying he wanted to come with me on my trip to Europe this fall and his rather abbreviated demeanor in the morning (groping my ass in bed, but no kiss goodbye), I am left pretty confused. As I said, I've been ghosted before, but never after the other party has expressed physical interest so recently.

I know it's silly to get this worked up about a guy I've only met once. But living where I do, there are only a handful of guys within reasonable driving distance. Dates with attractive, intelligent guys around my age are literally annual events at most. So it is tremendously disappointing when they don't pan out. I feel played and emotionally whiplashed. :-\

[Camfer]

I feel like it is worth inviting him to get together again. You have nothing to lose, you still have some interest in him, and given the limited dating pool where you are, passively waiting for someone to respond to a banal text seems like a losing strategy. Rather than leap to conclusions now, pursue it further and see what happens.

He could well be thinking that your initial reluctance to sex indicates your lack of interest in him. Who knows, there's so much possibility for misunderstanding at this stage of getting to know someone.

You rarely get what you don't pursue in life.

Good luck and keep us posted.