Why did I get ghosted?

[kindy64]

You can jump to wrong conclusions as easily as right conclusions.

It's all just conjecture with no real evidence other than a lack of communication.

[jimcrackcorn]

You might consider calling him and leave a voice mail message (if he doesn't pick-up the phone).

Sometimes a phone call works better than texting.

At any rate,,, don't give up on him just yet. If he isn't ready for a relationship at the moment, he may still want a friend.

Sincerely,
Jim

[kai35]

I feel like it is worth inviting him to get together again. You have nothing to lose, you still have some interest in him, and given the limited dating pool where you are, passively waiting for someone to respond to a banal text seems like a losing strategy. Rather than leap to conclusions now, pursue it further and see what happens.

He could well be thinking that your initial reluctance to sex indicates your lack of interest in him. Who knows, there's so much possibility for misunderstanding at this stage of getting to know someone.

You rarely get what you don't pursue in life.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks. I'm probably just going to lay low and see if he initiates conversation again. If he's interested, he will. At this point, I'm just chalking it up to confusion with regards to his ex as that's the only thing that makes sense in my head right now. That just has to work itself out with time.

[kai35]

You might consider calling him and leave a voice mail message (if he doesn't pick-up the phone).

Sometimes a phone call works better than texting.

At any rate,,, don't give up on him just yet. If he isn't ready for a relationship at the moment, he may still want a friend.

Sincerely,
Jim

Thanks. I'm definitely a phone person rather than text. But if he's too shy/reluctant to respond to my text, I feel like calling him will just reek of desperation. If he wants a friend, he has my number. Personally, I have more than enough friends. I'm closing in on 30 next year and my mom is getting on my case as to when I'm going to finally settle down. But I'm always happy to lend an ear to someone who is going through ex issues, because I have ample experience with that myself.

[Matt608]

Do you have a small monitor or something or did someone piss in your Wheaties? Looks fine to me, although yeah I suppose breaking it up into a couple paragraphs might have been better, but... is it necessary?

I suppose I should write everything in Times New Roman, 12 pt font and 0.5 inch indent.

Otheriwse, [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] won't be happy and I'll get a bad grade!


Also [MENTION=24494]kai35[/MENTION] first post here, so maybe a welcome to the forums would be nice...

That all being said. Yes, text messaging and the instant gratification of the communication medium often leads to more problems as we start jumping to conclusions why someone hasn't responding in x minutes, hours or days. All we're left with is speculation. Which is important [MENTION=24494]kai35[/MENTION] to note but also realizing that you shouldn't get tied up into knots over someone you only just met.

Yeah.

Paragraphs are nice.

Being sarcastic, "There's this thing called an enter key..." isn't nice.

If I was new and got a comment like that, it would discourage me from ever posting again.

[MikeW]

...Any insight? I want to know if there's anything I did wrong that I didn't see so I can avoid this happening in the future. I don't fall for people often, but when I do, it's fast -- but I am avoidant and reluctant to show it or be clingy (probably to a fault).

This has happened to me way too many times. It isn't so shocking if it was only a hookup... but when you felt some sort of "connection" ... it FEELS shocking. And I've asked myself and others much the same question you ask here.

First point: "Ghosting" someone says a lot about a person. Have I done it? No. I do block sometimes but I don't ghost. I just say, "not interested."

Dovetailing with the above, if someone ghosts me, I take it as having dodged a bullet. This tells me a LOT about this person. What it doesn't tell me is EXACTLY WHY (and it could be and probably is different in each individual case) he did it.

I believe that a LOT of young men who are using apps predominantly for hookups really are NOT interested in "getting to know you". They're looking for a 'real life' pornographic experience that may involve more fantasy than reality. Of course, there are exceptions and in part, it depends on which app you're using.

I also think many men have a problem with intimacy. The more they begin to have feelings for another man, the more vulnerable they feel... and sometimes what happens is "fear" and "avoidance" sets in. This may happen on a totally sub-conscious level. They don't know why, even if you asked, they just "are not into you".

But another lesson... and this is something it sounds like you and I share ... is we have to be VERY careful NOT to get overly invested in a 'relationship' too quickly. There has to be a more or less equal exchange of attraction, interest, openness, and so on. If the other guy isn't as "into me" as I am him, it's going nowhere. It is often difficult to find the balance point. Like you, I don't want to come off as "clingy" but, at the same time, I if I'm interested, I want that to be known. So, the way I handle it is, if they guy stops replying after I've made it clear I'm interested in seeing him (either for the first time or second), I just let it drop. The ball is in their court and if they're not into it, then that's that, regardless of their 'reason'. ... Again, dodging bullets. Imagine if they'd PRETENDED to be and then, later on, pulled back or away because they weren't being honest? For me, definitely more painful.

[Camfer]

I have a friend who will absolutely never contact me to do anything, ever, except if it's his birthday and he has no plans. If I want him in my life it's up to me to call him up and invite him out to do something. Only once has he ever declined. It's always great when we get together.

Rather than sit back and not call him even when I want to see him, because I'd be "desperate" or "the ball is in his court," I call him, we hang out, and it's all good.

Nothing wrong with your approach. There are people worth knowing who are not initiators. If you don't want to deal with them, fine. It largely sounds like his loss, as you totally appear to be worth knowing.

I'm still left wondering if we're looking at a situation where there are two guys here who are really into each other, one who will never initiate and needs more contact before he responds, and another who is stronger and more empowered, who contacted once and will never again. Stumbling into intimacy can be hard.

[Jae]

Sounds like your new friend has a major amount of self-doubt going on between his ears. You are educated, something he is looking for in a fwb sort of thing, but you are "too" educated. You have other qualities he is looking for, but he may think he doesn't deserve someone like you. He is as you mentioned, still stuck emotionally in his last relationship. So he has some hurdles to get over, the real question here is, are you willing to go through those hurdles with him or will keep him at arms length as he is keeping you?

[Radbot42]

Sometimes guys are just jerks. I made a similar topic a while ago.

[kai35]

So he has some hurdles to get over, the real question here is, are you willing to go through those hurdles with him or will keep him at arms length as he is keeping you?

I truly don't know the answer to that question, and that's what I find most disturbing about this situation. I've been on dozens if not hundreds of dates. And in all of them, as far as I remember, after the first date I was either (a) uninterested, (b) interested and it was abundantly clear the other person was signaling they were not interested during the date, or © mutually interested and there were subsequent interactions. I've never been so convinced during a date that there was mutual interest to have it turn out that there was apparently no interest. I've always been pretty good at reading people's feelings (I'm actually a psychiatrist, so it's something I do for a living).

If he had signaled a lack of interest during the date, I would have probably been disappointed but moved on rather quickly, and the answer to your question would be no. But this has just lead to ongoing confusion because all I remember is good conversation, laughing, and tangibly good chemistry. I've never felt that, much less shared a bed with someone and/or let them touch me, and subsequently been ignored. Being ignored is usually preceded by an awkward date. What's worst is that I feel like the good chemistry caused me to let my guard down and that there is some part about me that I exposed that is unappealing. I feel like that's going to screw me up in the future. I have enough difficulty getting anxious/unconfident on dates. This just adds fuel to that fire.