So lonely

[OxfordAC]

I am a 37 year old guy who for many years denied who I was, finally coming out 3 years ago at the same time I moved to a new area. I thought life would be great - I'd meet the man of my dreams and we'd settle down etc. I dated a few times and had one guy who turned into a great friend. I'm a very shy guy and find it hard to make friends socially and really don't find the gay scene that great. I've now lost my friend, through a misunderstanding and realised that I have nothing and nobody in my life. I'm so desolate it's killing me. I've tried going on the apps but barely get past the first few bits of a convo before it ends. It seems no one is interested in me and I'm told by others that I'm great, good looking and funny. Can anybody please give me some advice as I'm beginning to crack up?

[Alvin]

Hi, OxfordAC. Welcome to GS.

Kind reminder: Your post may get moderated if you have less than 50 posts. To avoid such, you may want to head to the "Word Game" to achieve your first 50-post benchmark.

What you said reminds me of a quote from "Desperate Housewives", saying

Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.

Have you ever thought about joining in a local LGBT community instead of dating online? You don't necessarily have to jump right into such community if you are very shy. Try to find some other local groups that may interest you (poetry/book/cooking/trekking/climbing/debating/board gaming etc.). Take the first step and see how it goes. I find it a bit awkward to have a conversation via dating apps as well. It has turned out to be much more relaxing for me to show up in an offline event. Once you get used to it, you can stretch out of your comfort zone and finally take part in an LGBT group.

If you are still too shy to socialize, how about reading or writing? Reading, to me, has always made my essential loneliness less keen. This might not work for everyone, but it certainly plays its magic on me. By reading, you get the chance to understand the characters and their loneliness that mirrors your situation. I can still recall Singer's desire for Antonapoulos while reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers,

Singer tried to think of the time before he had ever known his friend. He tried to recount to himself certain things that had happened when he was young. But none of these things he tried to remember seemed real.
...
Nothing seemed real except the ten years with Antonapoulos. In his half-dreams he saw his friend very vividly, and when he awakened a great aching loneliness would be in him. Occasionally he would pack up a box for Antonapoulos, but he never received any reply. And so the months passed in this empty, dreaming way.

I wonder if you had ever felt the same way since your had lost your friend. It is only with imagination and reality that you get to know the things a novel renders. Fictional representations echo the state of being disconnected with someone you have adored for years. It combines memory with insight that allows for deeper understanding of how loneliness has been with us all the time. Reading, therefore, serves as a place for self-remedy. If we take it from a poetic perspective, we might say that, at least, we had our loneliness. A statement of such leads me to think of another poem from Emily Dickinson,

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d banish us – you know!

I tend to think that we are all "nobody", especially in this postmodern ear where we suffer from dehumanization and failure of communication to a greater or lesser degree. Yet, it is this identity of "nobody" that surprisingly bridges the gap between us. If we were ever able to share one thing, despite our drastically different cultural/religious/educational background, it would be loneliness, which appeals to us to be in quest for companionship. That's why I read, and I wish it would work for you, too.

[Pyromancer]

[MENTION=24431]Alvin[/MENTION], that was one of the most thought provoking and meaningful responses that I've ever read...thank you.
[MENTION=24525]OxfordAC[/MENTION], I'm not sure what I can add to what Alvin has already said. The hardest thing is that you have to be the one to take that first step...no one is going to come looking for you...you have to put yourself out there. It's difficult and scary, but it has to be done.

People often make the mistake of thinking that only a certain type of person can be a friend...the person has to be gay, or close in age, or have the same interests...but one of my closest friends is an 83 year old man...another is a stay at home mom with 4 kids...the thing is, you meet people who know other people...and slowly, the circle widens. It may take a while to meet Prince Charming this way...but what else have you got to do.

Be open to the people who enter your life...you just never know.

[OxfordAC]

Thank you so much for your replies [MENTION=24431]Alvin[/MENTION] and [MENTION=24520]Pyromancer[/MENTION]. You are both so right in what you say. I'm not in a very good place right now and think I need to take some time out and then really look around and try to reconnect with things that I once enjoyed, such as reading. I will look around and see what local clubs I can join. Thanks again

[MikeW]

I am a 37 year old guy who for many years denied who I was, finally coming out 3 years ago at the same time I moved to a new area. I thought life would be great - I'd meet the man of my dreams and we'd settle down etc. I dated a few times and had one guy who turned into a great friend. I'm a very shy guy and find it hard to make friends socially and really don't find the gay scene that great. I've now lost my friend, through a misunderstanding and realised that I have nothing and nobody in my life. I'm so desolate it's killing me. I've tried going on the apps but barely get past the first few bits of a convo before it ends. It seems no one is interested in me and I'm told by others that I'm great, good looking and funny. Can anybody please give me some advice as I'm beginning to crack up?

It's very difficult to know how to advise someone you've never met. You've told us that you are shy, an introvert I assume. This makes it all the more difficult.

I think I was a lot like you when I was near your age. Lots of differences (I knew I was gay and was out about it from a fairly early age) but I also felt lonely, shy, that I didn't feel comfortable in "the gay scene," etc. We didn't have 'apps' back in those days but going to bars or answering personals ads, felt awkward and worse. It seemed NO ONE I found attractive was the least bit interested in me.

WOW... so much has changed in the 32 years since. SO MUCH it is the story of my life. I've had two LTR relationships ... I was around age 39 when I met my first male lover... 49 when I met the second. (Both now deceased.) I went from being a 'wall flower' to 'grandpa in the candy store' (these days).

My point here is not really to talk about myself so much as to offer up an example that *the way things are* is not the way things have to remain. YOU *can* change yourself and your life.

BUT it takes effort, work, a willingness to take risks, quite a bit of self-observation and sensitivity to yourself. For example, noticing when you feel afraid to do something but then just *doing it anyway*. (I actually did this last night... something I'd been wanting to do but was afraid to do... last night I just said 'fuck it' and went ahead and did it. It really wasn't nearly as terrifying as I'd made it out to be in my own mind.) That said, you have to be sensitive to not beat yourself up for those times when your fear holds you back. Just accept it, you weren't yet ready.

There are SO many things here... change can happen but it often happens very slowly, gradually. I am NOT the person now that I was at your age. Well, yes, I am at base... still a very shy guy... but I'm FAR more willing to take risks, get what I want, accept what I want and not feel ashamed of it and so on than I ever did before.

This did NOT just "happen". It was/is an on-going effort on my part to NOT stay stuck in my own lonely little world. It is MY LIFE (as yours is yours) and *only I* can change it. No one else is going to 'change it' for me.

This is one of the problems with the fantasy you spell out: You imagined that once you came out, you'd meet the man of your dreams and it/he/that would change YOU... make you a happy man. Well, it doesn't really work that way. At a certain point, we have to accept responsibility for ourselves. If we are feeling lonely, it is *because we are keeping ourselves alone*. IOW, it isn't because other people aren't potential friends or more. It's because, on some deep level, we are CHOOSING to NOT be available for intimacy. (By intimacy I don't mean sex or just sex... I mean emotional openness, availability, and etc.)

Now, just how to go about this... It isn't like there is some road-map I or anyone else can give you. The best I can do is say that the way your life is right now is NOT the way it HAS to be in the future. You begin one small step at a time. You make some small change today and then another small change tomorrow and so on and so forth and little by little over time all these tiny steps add up to much bigger changes. You begin to feel more self-assured, more independent, less defined by what you fear other people will think of you, etc.

Others have also given you good advice here. Just don't "give up". It is YOUR life. Instead, begin to study what is really holding you back. If need be, go to a therapist and ask this question: "Why am I choosing to be lonely when I am a great, good looking and funny guy?" Of course, a good therapist isn't going to just give you an answer. He/She will lead you into a world of self-discovery so you can answer this question for yourself. WHY do you choose fear over self-assurance? Why do you choose to keep yourself 'hidden' and 'invisible' rather than 'visible' and 'available'? ...

We are all creatures of habit. That's both the good and bad news. It's bad because we tend to do the same things, think the same things, feel the same things, over and over and over again. But its good news because we *can* (with patience and persistance) *change* our habits. We have to be aware of them and consciouslly choose to do something 'different'. Again, small steps that add up.

Hope this helps.

[matty7]

your quote " I'm told by others that I'm great, good looking and funny " if other people see those qualities in yourself and you dont then you have self steam issues im guessing , i dont mean that you have to be super positive like a boxing champion but just accept that you are liked by others - as hard as it may be i would suggest a chat with your doctor about any anxieties before you spiral into any depression mate - maybe you had all your eggs in one basket with this mate who you have now lost and its hit you hard - you reached out here so you know you have a problem , your GP has all the links you need to get back on track

[artyboy]

Hey, I know the feeling mate. Ah I wonder if its to do with attitude. Maybe look at things to do like join club etc. With me Im a huge car guy though the groups I've joined hasn't turned out great as they are a bit quiet, so I'm joining a new one when my new car turns up in August. Ahh I'm going off topic sorry lol!

I feel Ive got a barrier between me and making long term friendships, I have the added problem as I'm disabled and a few almost all think Im just looking for carers. hmmm I'm trying to over come this by proving to people that I'm independent, job, good car etc even down to paying for a carer to come in and do stuff for me.

ahh for the gay scene its not for me, I find it a dieing breed these days anyway. I've been to a few gay bars and pub just seems that everyone in those places thinks you are looking for a quick shag.

I live just down the road from you I might be able to advice you of somethings do around this way.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am a 37 year old guy who for many years denied who I was, finally coming out 3 years ago at the same time I moved to a new area. I thought life would be great - I'd meet the man of my dreams and we'd settle down etc. I dated a few times and had one guy who turned into a great friend. I'm a very shy guy and find it hard to make friends socially and really don't find the gay scene that great. I've now lost my friend, through a misunderstanding and realised that I have nothing and nobody in my life. I'm so desolate it's killing me. I've tried going on the apps but barely get past the first few bits of a convo before it ends. It seems no one is interested in me and I'm told by others that I'm great, good looking and funny. Can anybody please give me some advice as I'm beginning to crack up?

This Internet age is the Age of Loneliness. Sorry, there are a lot of factual research that points this way.

There is this saying, wherever you go, there you be. In this case the situation you are trying to change is the one outside of yourself. You're still there, you are still being the same you, just a different location.

I would suggest getting therapy to work on "you". Meaning address the things that had you stuck before. And also work on your expectations and most importantly, work on being able to do aloneness without being loneliness.

Apps are great, this isn't one of those situations.

[drobs]

I agree with MikeW.
I started out as the shy lonely type then forced myself be the outgoing / friendly conversation starter type. My change happened between High School and College and continues on throughout life.

You have to force yourself to change. You have to force yourself to start up conversations with people you don't know - put yourself out there.

You might look into groups in your area. There are LGBT groups in most major towns that have get togethers. You might look to start a hobby that has get togethers. Join a club. See what's out there. You have to participate in life.


Here's an example from my life. I used to commute to a Job near Chicago every day. There was a railroad crossing that I'd frequently get stuck at on my drive to and home from work. Right before the crossing was this scary looking Dive Bar with a bunch of Harley Davidson Motorcycles parked outside. Looked like the sort of joint that it would be easy to find a bar fight at.

After getting stuck by that freight train so many stinking times, I said fuck it, and pulled my car into the bar's parking lot. Went in and had a Drink.

Turns out this bar was like CHURCH. Ever go to a church where they make you stand up and introduce yourself to the whole congregation? That's the way this bar was. I walked in sat down and ordered a Beer. The bartender asked my name and then proceeded to introduce me to everyone in the bar. Sometimes you just look around the bar, count heads, and yell out - give me a round for the bar.

Turns out this bar was a big pool shooting bar. I love shooting pool and am/was pretty good at it. Made a shit ton of straight friends at that bar. I eventually came out to all of them and had no issues at all.

That A-hole - Mayor Richard J Daley shut my bar down. Used Eminent Domain to take over all the houses and businesses on that side the tracks to expand O'hare International Airport.