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married and discovering
#21
heythere1188 Wrote:I never had noticed guys in any such way until a few months ago. I found myself checking one out and realized I was attracted to him...it has kind of steam rolled from that to now fighting urges to be with one.this is all feelings and thoughts I had never had before. I have watched porn when she's not around. it seems to be making it harder. Yes we have a sex life it's not an everyday thing but it's regularly done. She is no open to toys or open relationship I have brought toys up before a long with possible 3sums. This was all brought up before feelings thhappened
It's a bit unusual but not unheard of. I remember a guy telling me that he was college age, sitting in his car at a stop light and he noticed he was attracted to a guy in the crosswalk. That's the first time he was aware of having any such feelings.

As you see, we're advising you to take this slowly and be cautious. The reason here is that many of us have witnessed guys in your situation totally mess up their lives. It is NOT uncommon for men married to women to have sex with other men. If that's what you really want to do, you *can* do it Just install Grindr on your phone and be on the Down Low about it.

WE are advising against it for a variety of reasons. MY reason is two-fold: First and foremost, it is dishonest. You will be "cheating" in that sense of the word. You will be living a lie and this in itself causes unhealthy stress for most men. It varies of course. Some men are NOT very scrupulous. They lie and cheat in their lives about anything and everything so long as it gets them what they want.... so to do it with/on their spouse re sex (with a man or woman or whatever) is, to them, no big deal.

Second, pursuing this on the DL puts you at risk for high-stress drama. Imagine you hook-up with someone and then, somehow, your wife finds out. I'm from the mid-west, Indiana, and even before the age of social media, keeping ANYTHING a secret in a small community was almost impossible. Everyone knew everyone else's business. So... if she finds out, there's going to be emotional drama. You're going to have to deal with her feelings and your feelings. She may file for divorce, which could lead to financial ruin. This not to mention all the other 'fallout' from other people finding out.

You really need to think about all this.

Finding sex is VERY easy. Almost too easy. So that isn't the issue here. The issue is, how are you going to deal with this inside yourself, and within the context of the relationship you have. Do you love your wife? Would you ever, intentionally, do anything to hurt her?

If you do NOT love her, then that in itself (sexual tastes and preferences aside) should be sufficient reason to seek a divorce. If you're going to go down that path, very first thing you should do is speak with a divorce attorney about how to protect whatever assets you have.

In the meantime, if you want to continue jerking off to gay porn I don't really see much wrong with that. BUT... if it is making it more difficult for you to remain faithful to your wife, perhaps you should back-off from doing that.

Quite frankly, from what little you've said, I get the impression you're not very happy with your wife. If that's the case, why continue the relationship? At the very least, ask for a separation period.

If you DO love your wife and DO want to maintain the marriage, then you may want to seek personal counseling (not with a minister but a real counselor/therapist) and, perhaps, couples counseling that would give you a context within which you can be totally honest with her about your sexual feelings. If you value your wife, your relationship with her, you owe it to her and yourself to be honest about your feelings. No, she may not take it well. But whenever things like this come up, it takes TIME for the news to 'settle in' and everyone adjust to the new 'reality picture' that is presented. ... I can only assume you're struggling within yourself about what this newly discovered sexual interest means. ... If we can help with that, that's what we're here for.
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#22
We male humans are complicated creatures. Females have always felt free to express affection for each other and complimenting each others looks. They generally seem more secure in themselves about these things. For whatever reasons, guys are not allowed to notice each others attractiveness or hotness, at least they aren't supposed to comment on it. Being sexual beings and being easily visually stimulated, it's not difficult to imagine that noticing things about other guys could be translated into sexual feelings. It doesn't necessarily make the guy gay.
Also, porn is not a good scale for judging sexuality either. You watching two (or more) people being sexual with each other and supposedly enjoying it, your dick gets hard, your hand goes to your dick and voila, you're gay. Not necessarily. Lots of teen boys probably experiment with same sex activity and they grow up straight.
Sexuality is just not so simple, I think.
It's not unheard of that a gay guy can function sexually with a female. It doesn't make him straight or even bisexual, necessarily. It makes him a sexual being.
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#23
Darius Wrote:We male humans are complicated creatures. Females have always felt free to express affection for each other and complimenting each others looks. They generally seem more secure in themselves about these things. For whatever reasons, guys are not allowed to notice each others attractiveness or hotness, at least they aren't supposed to comment on it. Being sexual beings and being easily visually stimulated, it's not difficult to imagine that noticing things about other guys could be translated into sexual feelings. It doesn't necessarily make the guy gay.
Also, porn is not a good scale for judging sexuality either. You watching two (or more) people being sexual with each other and supposedly enjoying it, your dick gets hard, your hand goes to your dick and voila, you're gay. Not necessarily. Lots of teen boys probably experiment with same sex activity and they grow up straight.
Sexuality is just not so simple, I think.
It's not unheard of that a gay guy can function sexually with a female. It doesn't make him straight or even bisexual, necessarily. It makes him a sexual being.

I always like reading your messages on this topic area [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION]. You're very grounded and I feel you're really on the mark!
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#24
heythere1188 Wrote:Hello I am married to a woman for almost 2 years now and recently have realized I have attraction to men. My wife is very conservative and wouldn't support any of that. not sure what I should do? any help would be appreciated.


Lets spin this a little. Lets say you read one of us asking this question, what would you say?

Well that would be the answer to your problem too.,
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#25
Darius Wrote:For whatever reasons, guys are not allowed to

Oh God that topic alone makes for at least twenty good books, and a couple really, really naughty ones as well. :tongue:
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#26
Sounds to me you need to start planning for a Divorce.
Count yourself lucky (at least financially) you don't have kids.

I'd recommend you start talking to a lawyer and figure out how to do a divorce in way that no-one gets financially screwed. You don't want to end up paying alimony for the next 30 years. I didn't believe it but Alimony still happens today.

2 years is a short amount of time. I'd get this over while you are still young. It's going to be painful for your wife, family, no matter what.
Use a condom.
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