OxfordAC Wrote:I am a 37 year old guy who for many years denied who I was, finally coming out 3 years ago at the same time I moved to a new area. I thought life would be great - I'd meet the man of my dreams and we'd settle down etc. I dated a few times and had one guy who turned into a great friend. I'm a very shy guy and find it hard to make friends socially and really don't find the gay scene that great. I've now lost my friend, through a misunderstanding and realised that I have nothing and nobody in my life. I'm so desolate it's killing me. I've tried going on the apps but barely get past the first few bits of a convo before it ends. It seems no one is interested in me and I'm told by others that I'm great, good looking and funny. Can anybody please give me some advice as I'm beginning to crack up?
It's very difficult to know how to advise someone you've never met. You've told us that you are shy, an introvert I assume. This makes it all the more difficult.
I think I was a lot like you when I was near your age. Lots of differences (I knew I was gay and was out about it from a fairly early age) but I also felt lonely, shy, that I didn't feel comfortable in "the gay scene," etc. We didn't have 'apps' back in those days but going to bars or answering personals ads, felt awkward and worse. It seemed NO ONE I found attractive was the least bit interested in me.
WOW... so much has changed in the 32 years since. SO MUCH it is the story of my life. I've had two LTR relationships ... I was around age 39 when I met my first male lover... 49 when I met the second. (Both now deceased.) I went from being a 'wall flower' to 'grandpa in the candy store' (these days).
My point here is not really to talk about myself so much as to offer up an example that *the way things are* is not the way things have to remain. YOU *can* change yourself and your life.
BUT it takes effort, work, a willingness to take risks, quite a bit of self-observation and sensitivity to yourself. For example, noticing when you feel afraid to do something but then just *doing it anyway*. (I actually did this last night... something I'd been wanting to do but was afraid to do... last night I just said 'fuck it' and went ahead and did it. It really wasn't nearly as terrifying as I'd made it out to be in my own mind.) That said, you have to be sensitive to not beat yourself up for those times when your fear holds you back. Just accept it, you weren't yet ready.
There are SO many things here... change can happen but it often happens very slowly, gradually. I am NOT the person now that I was at your age. Well, yes, I am at base... still a very shy guy... but I'm FAR more willing to take risks, get what I want, accept what I want and not feel ashamed of it and so on than I ever did before.
This did NOT just "happen". It was/is an on-going effort on my part to NOT stay stuck in my own lonely little world. It is MY LIFE (as yours is yours) and *only I* can change it. No one else is going to 'change it' for me.
This is one of the problems with the fantasy you spell out: You imagined that once you came out, you'd meet the man of your dreams and it/he/that would change YOU... make you a happy man. Well, it doesn't really work that way. At a certain point, we have to accept responsibility for ourselves. If we are feeling lonely, it is *because we are keeping ourselves alone*. IOW, it isn't because other people aren't potential friends or more. It's because, on some deep level, we are CHOOSING to NOT be available for intimacy. (By intimacy I don't mean sex or just sex... I mean emotional openness, availability, and etc.)
Now, just how to go about this... It isn't like there is some road-map I or anyone else can give you. The best I can do is say that the way your life is right now is NOT the way it HAS to be in the future. You begin one small step at a time. You make some small change today and then another small change tomorrow and so on and so forth and little by little over time all these tiny steps add up to much bigger changes. You begin to feel more self-assured, more independent, less defined by what you fear other people will think of you, etc.
Others have also given you good advice here. Just don't "give up". It is YOUR life. Instead, begin to study what is really holding you back. If need be, go to a therapist and ask this question: "Why am I choosing to be lonely when I am a great, good looking and funny guy?" Of course, a good therapist isn't going to just give you an answer. He/She will lead you into a world of self-discovery so you can answer this question for yourself. WHY do you choose fear over self-assurance? Why do you choose to keep yourself 'hidden' and 'invisible' rather than 'visible' and 'available'? ...
We are all creatures of habit. That's both the good and bad news. It's bad because we tend to do the same things, think the same things, feel the same things, over and over and over again. But its good news because we *can* (with patience and persistance) *change* our habits. We have to be aware of them and consciouslly choose to do something 'different'. Again, small steps that add up.
Hope this helps.
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