Concern about relationship

[lonelylad]

Hi members,

I have an issue regarding relationships to discuss with you.

I feel that I'm incapable of finding a relationship. When I think about relationship, I feel very insecure about myself. I feel worried if other people would bother to go on a date with me or even accept me as a boyfriend.

I always feel that everyone loathes me and would rather not choose me as their life partner. I feel apprehensive to even approach a person for dating. I'm afraid the other person might say "How dare you ask me on a date! Have you taken a look at yourself in the mirror?" to my face and laugh at me.

I feel like I don't deserve to date or fall in love with anyone at all. I get the feeling like dating or falling in love is not meant for me. I also feel no-one is going to value me at all. However, I do have a deep yearning for a companion in life. And it makes me feel sad and want to cry.

I would like to seek advice on how to overcome these issues.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm. So are you really that ugly or is this your own self esteem viewing yourself as ugly?

I ask because my self esteem sees a hideous creature in the mirror, and lots of people tell me I'm hot, cute, very attractive. Even my caregiver says without my beard I look 20 years younger (putting me around 30).

I don't see it when I look in the mirror. The flaws are all I see, I can't see the beuaty.

And I have other "issues" which makes me think that no guy in his right mind would want me. WHich may explain why I fall in love with sociopaths and really sick men.

I found a picture of me from the 20's (my 20's) I didn't recognize who it was and I thought "Gee this guy is hot" then suddenly I saw that it was me. IT dawned on me that I really had the looks to abuse and misuse people all the time. I failed to because I didn't see my self as being hot, or attractive, so I played nice.

Does any of this ring true with you?

If so then I strongly urge you to seek counseling and get to the real root of your problem.



If on some random chance you have the face of a Beast.... then its best to sort out the rubbish, the flakes the shallow guys and find the guy who looks deeper to see the Beauty of the inner person that is really you. Beauty and the Beast is an interesting love story where a girl sees the real man inside the beast.

Yes its hard to take rejection, and no matter how often it happens it still hurts. But you don't need to let that hurt kill you, it can in fact make you stronger and make you a better person, thus upping your chances of finding your mate.

Relationships are not easy things. Falling in love is a matter of letting go and letting gravity. Relationships are a bit more work, finding compromises, working with the scheduled of your mate, learning to accept the flaws and foibles of your mate, making hard boundaries (no cheating is one, no abuse is another) and knowing when to walk away so it doesn't hurt you even more.

I doubt your as ugly as you think you are. We are all or worse critics, unless one is narcissistic then that is a whole kettle of other fish.

[MikeW]

....I would like to seek advice on how to overcome these issues.

[MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] has given you a wealth of good advice.

I spend a LOT of time counseling young (younger than me most always) gay men on issues such as this. It is actually quite common for young gay men to feel exactly as you do. Although I have been in three successful, long term relationships, I often feel the same way: So much so that at this particular time in my life, I don't view myself as "relationship material" at all.

Anything any of us say as "advice" is going to be "easier said than done." Rebuilding one's self-esteem and positive sense of self-worth requires an on-going conscious effort. It doesn't just "happen" and no one can do the work for you. You can seek help... both in real life and online. There is real help to be found. But the bottom line remains (for all of us): Only we can make the choice to actually change, rather than just complain about the sorry condition of our self-image and subsequent life.

At the moment you're preventing yourself from having the very things you want. No one else is doing so. You put it as if the "rejection" is going to come from someone else, someone outside yourself. But by thinking this way, you've already taken your chessmen off the board. You can't play the game, much less win, if you don't have those chessmen on the board.

What are they? They are YOUR qualities. Qualities that are unique to WHO YOU ARE as a human being (gay or otherwise).

Start paying MORE attention to these qualities in yourself, valuing them for what they are truly worth in a world full of hurting, wounded people.

Start paying LESS attention to these nagging self-doubts that you have nothing to offer either the world or a potential lover/partner.

Yes, many gay men are only interested in superficial qualities (looks, for example)... but not all. But in any case, opening oneself up to intimacy... and no love can exist without it... is often THE most terrifying thing a man can do. Be patient with yourself. Yes, you want something deeply. Ok, so, begin to let yourself have it. Begin to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to take risks. These are what the chess pieces are for. By "vulnerable," I do not mean "foolish". When you're ready, allow yourself to take some risks and discover by direct experience what the outcome is. I assure you, quite often, it will NOT be what you "want". Some of your pieces will be taken off the board in a given 'match'. But try to understand that's alright. That is how we 'refine our game'; how we come to understand ourselves and our real strengths and weaknesses from the inside out.

I'm one of the most difficult human beings you could ever hope to meet (in real life... less so online but even here on occasion I can be irritating as fuck). That said, I've had three successful long-term relationships. I know what it is like to HAVE the kind of companionship you desire. I also know, from having had it, that NO ONE ELSE can 'heal' what is wounded and broken within myself. Only I can do that, and only I can do that when the scales are peeled from my eyes and I see directly what those wounds are and where they came from.

Being 30... you won't believe me... but I'm going to tell you anyway: You're going to find what you wish for. You will find your companion and lover. THEN you will have to deal with THAT! The relationship. And that's where the REAL fun begins!

[lonelylad]

Hmm. So are you really that ugly or is this your own self esteem viewing yourself as ugly?

I ask because my self esteem sees a hideous creature in the mirror, and lots of people tell me I'm hot, cute, very attractive. Even my caregiver says without my beard I look 20 years younger (putting me around 30).

I don't see it when I look in the mirror. The flaws are all I see, I can't see the beuaty.

And I have other "issues" which makes me think that no guy in his right mind would want me. WHich may explain why I fall in love with sociopaths and really sick men.

I found a picture of me from the 20's (my 20's) I didn't recognize who it was and I thought "Gee this guy is hot" then suddenly I saw that it was me. IT dawned on me that I really had the looks to abuse and misuse people all the time. I failed to because I didn't see my self as being hot, or attractive, so I played nice.

Does any of this ring true with you?

If so then I strongly urge you to seek counseling and get to the real root of your problem.



If on some random chance you have the face of a Beast.... then its best to sort out the rubbish, the flakes the shallow guys and find the guy who looks deeper to see the Beauty of the inner person that is really you. Beauty and the Beast is an interesting love story where a girl sees the real man inside the beast.

Yes its hard to take rejection, and no matter how often it happens it still hurts. But you don't need to let that hurt kill you, it can in fact make you stronger and make you a better person, thus upping your chances of finding your mate.

Relationships are not easy things. Falling in love is a matter of letting go and letting gravity. Relationships are a bit more work, finding compromises, working with the scheduled of your mate, learning to accept the flaws and foibles of your mate, making hard boundaries (no cheating is one, no abuse is another) and knowing when to walk away so it doesn't hurt you even more.

I doubt your as ugly as you think you are. We are all or worse critics, unless one is narcissistic then that is a whole kettle of other fish.

Thanks for your reply Bowyn Aerrow.

I think you are right, it's got to do with my self-esteem. I'll try to seek treatment for my self-esteem issues.

[lonelylad]

[MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] has given you a wealth of good advice.

I spend a LOT of time counseling young (younger than me most always) gay men on issues such as this. It is actually quite common for young gay men to feel exactly as you do. Although I have been in three successful, long term relationships, I often feel the same way: So much so that at this particular time in my life, I don't view myself as "relationship material" at all.

Anything any of us say as "advice" is going to be "easier said than done." Rebuilding one's self-esteem and positive sense of self-worth requires an on-going conscious effort. It doesn't just "happen" and no one can do the work for you. You can seek help... both in real life and online. There is real help to be found. But the bottom line remains (for all of us): Only we can make the choice to actually change, rather than just complain about the sorry condition of our self-image and subsequent life.

At the moment you're preventing yourself from having the very things you want. No one else is doing so. You put it as if the "rejection" is going to come from someone else, someone outside yourself. But by thinking this way, you've already taken your chessmen off the board. You can't play the game, much less win, if you don't have those chessmen on the board.

What are they? They are YOUR qualities. Qualities that are unique to WHO YOU ARE as a human being (gay or otherwise).

Start paying MORE attention to these qualities in yourself, valuing them for what they are truly worth in a world full of hurting, wounded people.

Start paying LESS attention to these nagging self-doubts that you have nothing to offer either the world or a potential lover/partner.

Yes, many gay men are only interested in superficial qualities (looks, for example)... but not all. But in any case, opening oneself up to intimacy... and no love can exist without it... is often THE most terrifying thing a man can do. Be patient with yourself. Yes, you want something deeply. Ok, so, begin to let yourself have it. Begin to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to take risks. These are what the chess pieces are for. By "vulnerable," I do not mean "foolish". When you're ready, allow yourself to take some risks and discover by direct experience what the outcome is. I assure you, quite often, it will NOT be what you "want". Some of your pieces will be taken off the board in a given 'match'. But try to understand that's alright. That is how we 'refine our game'; how we come to understand ourselves and our real strengths and weaknesses from the inside out.

I'm one of the most difficult human beings you could ever hope to meet (in real life... less so online but even here on occasion I can be irritating as fuck). That said, I've had three successful long-term relationships. I know what it is like to HAVE the kind of companionship you desire. I also know, from having had it, that NO ONE ELSE can 'heal' what is wounded and broken within myself. Only I can do that, and only I can do that when the scales are peeled from my eyes and I see directly what those wounds are and where they came from.

Being 30... you won't believe me... but I'm going to tell you anyway: You're going to find what you wish for. You will find your companion and lover. THEN you will have to deal with THAT! The relationship. And that's where the REAL fun begins!

Thanks for your reply MikeW. I'll work on my qualities like you've mentioned.

You're going to find what you wish for. You will find your companion and lover. THEN you will have to deal with THAT! The relationship. And that's where the REAL fun begins!

Thank you very much. Reading this quote made me smile. Hope these words come true one day