My Introductory Rant

[WaterOfLife]

Hello,
Well about 9 months ago I left a very Catholic institution. With the intent of finally "being gay", and that is being actively gay. I came out to more than a dozen friends in college as "gay, but following the Church's teaching". I was recently told by a lesbian that "no, that's not gay".
I can't even further comment on that it makes me so mad. I hope y'all can see how ridiculous that is.

I'm in a very bad place in my life. Although I guess that's nothing new. I'm less depressed now than I was for about... 5 years on and off in college (2011-2016). But, I'm still in a bad place. I guess I have a complex life story that I'll probably talk to y'all more about. (I do enjoy answering questions actually). I'm someone who hates small talk. And currently I have about 4 people that I talk about my actual life about in any capacity. My brother, my boss, and 2 friends. One of those friends doesn't approve of my new gay lifestyle. Oh, I guess he's not a true friend you say.
Well, he used to talk to me every single day when I was very depressed. Sometimes many times a day. He's my best friend, I recently went to his wedding.

Its things like that (saying I should get rid of any friend who disagrees with the homosexual lifestyle) that has kept me from coming here. Or to my local LGBT center. Even though I'm quite depressed. I'm quite alone. AND quite unable of making new friends.
Just about every friend I've ever made has been conservative or Catholic or both.
And by Catholic I mean Catholic. Never missing a Sunday, going to Daily Mass 4 or 5 days a week. I loved talking religion and politics with my friends. I studied politics and history, so I still love those things. If I ever came out on Facebook (like tomorrow, or on Pride Day just recently), I know for sure not only would I get probably dozens of negative responses. But probably more than a dozen people would private message me and want to talk about it. I would hope that's just a worse-case scenario in my head, but I think its probable. I'm just trying to convey that I hail from a part of the country and a group of people that is the least accepting of homosexuality. Not ignorant Southern Baptists who eventually come round to loving their relatives or w/e. But theological, highly educated Catholics.

Anyways, I've been trying to live as a gay man on my own in a new city for the past 8 months or so. It has not been working out well. I've done a few things via Grindr. That includes losing my virginity at 24. I'll just say again, I've mainly only made friends at Church. I left the Church bc of my sexuality. But, even if it were over something else, I would have a hard time merely connecting with "secular" people. Let alone gay people, who are largely secular.
I have social anxiety. And I don't even really get out of my apartment much. Except for work and groceries.

So, I'm pretty desperate. I really need help. My fear is that I'll run away to a monastery or a Catholic farming hell hole in the middle of nowhere. Though I was beyond miserable in the Church, with no hope for my future. Now that that future IS in my hands, I find myself totally unable to achieve it. I guess I'm hoping for love. I'm hoping I can live somehow where I'm not completely miserable.

Sorry if that's so dark. I have no support system now. And depression has kind of snuck back up on me in the past 3 months or so. I am going to counselling. Medication hasn't been advised...