Dating A Guy Who's In The Closet

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I've been out since I first realized I was gay as a young teenager. I've never been in the closet, so I'm used to living my life openly.

I ran into this guy who is just a very casual acquaintance at a gay bar in a large city about half an hour from the small town where we both live. He seemed really nervous to see me and told me that he isn't out to anyone. I reassured him that I wasn't about to start spreading the word, we chatted for a while and that was that.

He called me about a week later and asked me out. I told him the truth, that I don't date guys who aren't out. I said that I wouldn't even get into an FWB thing with a guy who wasn't out because there's just too much potential for complications. I'm not used to even thinking about hiding my orientation, and I'd probably manage to screw up and embarrass him despite my best intentions. And, if I'm being honest, I think I would eventually get frustrated and maybe resentful about having to hide a relationship.

He got very defensive and said people have reasons why they can't come out and it's not fair to judge them. I told him I'm not judging anyone and it's fine for each of us to live the way we choose. But the 2 of us have made different choices and he wouldn't be anymore comfortable with my choice than I was with his. So we were best off not to get involved at all.

So I'm wondering what you guys think. Do you think a relationship between a guy who's out and a guy who's closeted could work? Essentially, wouldn't it mean the the out guy had to pretty much go into the closet to accommodate his partner? IDK, it's confusing to me, I know I couldn't do it.

Read what you wrote. Essentially you are already at paranoid level 1 and dating hasn't begun.

Yes, essentially for him to stay in the closet is for you to be in the closet or so straight acting that "being gay" ain't a thing. But eventually the desire to share the fact that you love him with like the whole world is going to be problematic because you out, him not so much.

To me "being out" isn't the big issue that most would find. I'm fairly straight acting and people are astonished to learn I are one of them ere homosexuals. What would piss me off is having to revert to the decades of using gender-neutral pronouns, or finding other ways to lie/not lie about my partner/mate. I did that, back in the bad old days where being out was a very bad thing, like in no job, potentially being beaten up with a baseball bat... You know, Islam State bad.

Sadly he is afraid of his gayness, afraid to the point where he leaps to this conclusion that is really negative and can't even entertain the idea that maybe your in the right here that going into the closet is a bad thing for you.

And it is this sort of fear that eats away at the relationship. How fearful will he be to be seen in public with you? What about every look, every innocent smile you share his way?

Unfortunately the biggest fears are the small ones that cannot be faced and will rip apart an open/closted relationship.

[baristajedi]

I have been thinking about this a bit. The girl I just started dating (who I’ve already messed up with and we’re probably not dating anymore, ugh), she is out to everyone, except her dad. Even that feels concerning to me. It’s not the worry of having to sneak around of course, but when she told me that, I immediately thought ahead to meeting him, getting married, how would that feel to not acknowledge the meaning of our relationship with someone so core in her life. I decided to go for it with her anyway and thought well we can talk about that down the line. But it makes me uncomfortable.

I personally took ages to come out, I only came out at 36, but I was deeply closeted, I didn’t even date women while I was closeted. When I did come out, it was personally very important to me that I am not hiding anything about myself, and I would not have been happy to date without sharing the happiness of being with that person. I have loads of empathy of course for anyone in the closet, I know how hard it is to come to terms with everything but in choosing a partner I couldn’t personally make the choice to hide any part of myself.