Having sex with my husband's brother

[Anonymous]

My husband is 24 and I’m 26. We’ve been married for two years but I haven’t been interested in sex with him for a while.

My husband’s brother, who is 28, made it clear he liked me.

I’m a gym fanatic and so is he, so  we work out together. He was often looking at me in the changing room. He would look away but one time I joked: “I saw you peeping!”

Afterwards, he sent me a text saying he’d always fancied me. We ended up having sex back at his house the following night and we both enjoyed it.

I want to leave my husband but how do I tell him the reason is because I love his brother?

It would devastate him and the fallout for his family would be catastrophic.

[Pyromancer]

You need to step back and take a good look at this situation.  You’ve flirted with your brother-in-law and had sex with him once.  You’re obviously infatuated with each other, but that’s not the same as being in love.
 
You’re right that this could be a catastrophic situation for the whole family.  Even a very close and committed couple (which you and your BIL are not at this point) would have major stress with something like this.
 
If you want sex outside your marriage, why not talk to your husband about opening up your relationship?  You said he doesn’t want sex with you.  Maybe he, too, wants sex with someone else?  It might be wise to initiate a discussion, leaving his brother out of it for the moment.  If he doesn’t want an open marriage, at least you’ll have indicated that you need more sex.  Hopefully, the discussion can go on from there.
 
A very wise man who used to be on this forum told me once that at least 85% of the problems that couples encounter could be eliminated if they just talked to each other, openly and honestly.

[Chase]

You must accept that what you did was wrong. As someone who is monogamous and has brothers, I can't even comprehend having a partner cheat on me with one of my brothers. Thankfully, my brothers are straight so it'll probably never happen, but even if a partner cheated on me with one of my cousins, I don't think I could ever truly process it.

You need to free your husband from you. I wish I could tell you to just leave you cheating on him with his brother a secret, just so he isn't more devastated, but he needs to know he can't trust his brother.

Free your husband from you. Give him a divorce with no demands, and plenty of room to process what has happened to him. I know it is hard to admit you did wrong, and hard to hurt others with bad news, but this is why you should avoid cheating in the first place.

I agree with @"Pyromancer" in that you should maybe give polygamy and open relationships a try, but it sounds like your husband is monogamous, and you should have discussed it with him first. You say you love your brother-in-law, but chances are, he's not going to give you a monogamous relationship. If you think someone who sleeps with his little brother's husband behind his back is a trustworthy partner, go ahead, but the bottom line is you need to free your husband.

[seeking]

Besides what's been said, I think you might have left out quite a lot of background. Like why you haven't been interested in sex with your husband for a while ?

In this case I think there could be more problems between you two that need to sort out.

If you can't sort out things with your husband, and don't know how to do so, even if you have changed several husbands or partners, the result might be the same. There will always be problems in relationships and you really need to work it out consciously.

[deltalover4]

I agree that there isn't enough information in your post. Why did you find it morally acceptable to have an affair, even though you haven't had sexual desires for your husband? Don't you love your husband enough to leave him before having sex with someone else, let alone his brother?

I personally could never do what you have decided to do. If I am fortunate to get married, I would never betray that trust. Plus, if I was having trouble with my marriage, I would work to communicate with him.

[LJay]

You are married, right? What did your vows say? Do you and your husband have arrangements that are not mentioned here? You say that you haven't been interested in sex with him for a while. Has he been interested in sex with you? Sounds to me as though you need to think about where you are coming from before you start heading off somewhere new.

[CellarDweller]

You say that you haven't been interested in having sex with your husband, why?  Is the feeling mutual from his point of view?

Do you both still love each other?

Either way, you've crossed a HUGE line with what you've done.  Even if you were to break up with your husband, you're still in the family by being involved with his brother.

You need to figure out what it is that you want, exactly.  If it means leaving your husband, be aware that just because you do that, it may not mean getting into a relationship with his brother.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't end up with him anyway, and I'd advise against it.

If he's willing to do his brother dirty that way, what makes you think it won't happen to you in the future?

[Bhp91126]

Ok, you are moving way to fast. Why do you want to leave your husband? Why do you think your brother in law is interested in a relationship with you? Is stepping out on your husband enough for a divorce? Talk to husband and brother in law (separately) about what they want. Maybe then you can make a decision how to proceed.

If you are feeling bad about cheating on your husband, suffer bitch! Don’t get him involved into your mess by ‘confessing’

[Pyromancer]

I just want to add one thing.  I've been on the other side of the equation...being cheated on by my husband.  I can't even begin to describe the pain, anger, frustration, emotional turmoil, depression...and the blow to my self-esteem.  We're older and had been together longer, though I don't know if that makes a difference.  Do you even care about what your husband is going to go through?

The fallout was horrific and affected both of our families and many of our friends.  We've been separated 3 years and now he says he regrets the things he did (it wasn't just one guy, I think he screwed every gay guy in Boston at least once).  But I won't ever trust him again.

If he had just come to me, talked to me, told me that he wanted sex with a lot of people we could have talked about it and avoided all of the drama and misery.  I might not have agreed, but at least I'd have had a choice.  The lying and the deception hurt me more than the fact he had sex with others.  TALK to your husband.

[InbetweenDreams]

A very wise man who used to be on this forum told me once that at least 85% of the problems that couples encounter could be eliminated if they just talked to each other, openly and honestly.

^^ This here.

I don't think much hasn't already been said, especially how cheating is pretty underhanded. Lack of communication is definitely something that will cause more problems than needed. My ex didn't communicate with me. His tactic was to stop having sex and I'm not one to be too demanding in that department so that went on for two years. Sex being one of those things that seems to be hard for couples to talk about (at least for us it was) that went on for over two years. First he lied about why then he supposedly told me why but thought it was a bullshit reason. He didn't cheat on me or anything like that as far as I know but with the way things were going I decided that we as a couple weren't going to work out. We still talk, we're still friends. When you start sleeping around on your partner, married or not, you're just inviting trouble. When you say nothing about something that is really bothering you, you're just inviting trouble.